I got word last night that Mace's first father is coming to town this weekend for Mace's 6th birthday. This will be the first time we've seen him in three years.

I actually think I somehow cosmically conjured this visit. Mace stayed with his grandmother last week. After he came home, he was quietly playing with cars while I washed dishes. He sang little songs, made comments to himself. I wondered if he had done this at his grandmother's. Did he remind her of his first father? Was this something R had done? Were they similar little boys ? I made a conscious note to mention to her that I thought it would be natural for her to talk about stuff like this with him.

I know his grandparents error on the side of being too cautious when mentioning adoption. They don't want to confuse him. They don't want to offend us. They truly don't get how comfortable we are with his first parents. They are older, adoption was different. Our issues are more complicated because of mistakes his first parents made. Some of those mistakes had the potential to cause harm to Mace both physically and emotionally. In part, that's why we are now his parents.

Mace understands he has a first father, but it's really basic. He doesn't see him. I don't know if he will remember him. I have honestly wished recently that R were around once in awhile so Mace could get to know him and better understand his relationship to him.

See? I conjured him.

When R agreed to let us raise Mace, part of that agreement was that he got to see Mace without our supervision.  Then we found out on a visit he had made some poor decisions that affected Mace's safety.  He had two more visits after that, but was with either Mace's first mother or his own parents. We never had to confront him about that poor choice, because Mace was with people we trusted. Then he quit visiting.

I have to say, I'm excited, but apprehensive about this visit. More excited really. But I haven't thought through how we are going to handle it if R asks to take Mace alone. I think Mace would likely be safe. But I wonder if he would be scared or uncomfortable. I sincerely don't know that he remembers him. Plus, it's his birthday, I would like to spend some of his birthday with him.

I think we are just going to have set eyes on R and figure out the situation. I think it will likely be a seat of our pants, gut decision. I'm trying to work out all the contingencies in my head.

The other complication? I haven't told Mace. I'm scared R won't show and I don't want to get him excited and have him disappointed on his birthday.

Like I said, excited, but apprehensive.

Also posted at my personal blog, http://vindauga.typepad.com

If you are a birth parent (mother or father) in an open or closed adoption who relinquished voluntarily or had your rights terminated, PLEASE TAKE THIS SURVEY. They are looking for 600 participants by December 1, 2008. Let's blow that number out of the water.

Here's some info:

The Surrender Survey Project is for parents (mother and fathers) who have voluntarily relinquished and/or had their rights (involuntarily) terminated. And so, in that way, it is all inclusive. More over, the questions pertain to both parents in closed and open adoption, not just one or the other. I know that there are some things that try to exclude one group or the other but this survey acknowledges both. In fact, this survey's success depends on answers from both closed and open adoption birth parents.

Of special note: for parents that have relinquished more than one child, you are asked to take it once for each child relinquished. (Meaning, if you have placed two children, please take the survey twice, answering specifics for each individual child on each individual survey attempt.)

(If you need a bit more info, read the birth/first parent blog. Or just take the survey!)

For the first time in a very long time, just the other day, School Girl asked about her birthfather.

"Pugnose Has Two Special Families" isn't the slickest children's book about adoption you'll ever see. It's bound with staples, needs a bit of editing, and sometimes tells when it could show. But it is a nice resource for open adoption families for several reasons.

Author:

Karis Kruzel

Publisher:

R-Squared Press

Copyright:

1996

ISBN:

0964103559

Pages:

16

Price:

$7.95

Rating:

8

Review:

"Pugnose Has Two Special Families" isn't the slickest children's book about adoption you'll ever see. It's bound with staples, needs a bit of editing, and sometimes tells when it could show. But it is a nice resource for open adoption families for several reasons.

First, the main character is an adopted mouse who has ongoing contact with his first parents. "I have two families--my birthfamily and my adoptive family," he says. "When we are all together, it seems like one big family." Children's books that mirror the ongoing openness of many domestic adoptions are not easy to find. It is nice to see it reflected here.

Second, the first parents are actual characters in the story. Pugnose's first parents are shown several times, both before and after his birth. We see them with interacting with Pugnose as he grows and he talks about traits he shares with them. Even more unusually, the first father is included.

Third, it acknowledges that Pugnose had a history prior to his adoption. So many adoption books for kids begin at the point of placement and make it seem as if their adoption was a forgone conclusion from the moment of their conception. Pugnose's birthmom tells him stories about when he was growing inside her and how much she loved him. He tells us, "She thought about trying to be my mama herself, and she thought about adoption, too. She finally chose open adoption so she could see me as I was growing up."

Finally, it touches on the sorrow that accompanies adoption. Everyone is happy Pugnose has been born, but also sad. His first parents are sad they are not ready to parent him and because they will miss him. His adoptive family is sad because they know his first family is hurting. It's a good example of how sadness can be acknowledged even in what is overall a positive presentation of adoption.

Listed for ages ranging from 4-10, but probably more suitable for kids 2-8. As with every adoption book, not all the details will apply to every family's situation, but the general outline of the story will likely fit most domestic open adoptions.

Related links:

Available at OpenAdoptionInsight.org