Open Adoption Support » truth

Is it appropriate to try to get more info from our daughter’s birthmom about birthdad?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 17:17:52 +0000

My daughter was relinquished by her birthmother at eight-weeks and adopted by us at 12-weeks. We are in a fairly open relationship with her birthmother. She lives in another state, but we talk on the phone and exchange photos. We will travel there for visits in the coming months. (My daughter is now two. On an earlier attempt to visit, her birthmother decided she was not ready and canceled. We understood.)

In one of our earliest conversations, “Marie” asked that we never tell our daughter anything about her birthfather. This is not an issue as things now stand, since we know almost nothing about him. From what we do know, he is, there’s no better way to say it, a bad dude. However, the more I think about it, the more I would at least like to have the man’s name so that I could tell our daughter when she is an adult. I want to respect Marie’s request — she is only trying to protect our daughter and I think that is noble. But I also want to honor the whole point of open adoption, which for me is providing my child with the truth of her origins.

This leads me to two questions:

1. Is it appropriate for me to ask Marie for a copy of our daughter’s original birth certificate? I have never asked, but I think she has one.

2. Is it appropriate to talk a little further with her about the birthfather? I believe he did some seriously bad stuff and have the impression he is/was a serious drug addict. It may very well be that he is dead or in jail. This will all be painful for my daughter to learn as she gets older, but would it not be more damaging to never know? One option would be to leave it up to my daughter to ask her birthmother when she gets older, but… for a variety of reasons — one being that I do not know what the future holds for her bmom, health-wise — I’d rather not do that.

My husband was adopted and doesn’t worry about these things, by the way. He knows nothing of his geneology and claims he doesn’t care.

Explaining differences in openness to my daughters?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:18:27 +0000

We are the proud adoptive parents of 2 wonderful little girls. Kendra is 3 & Christa is 18 months. They have different birth/ first moms. Kendra’s mom had a difficult childhood & said it was always confusing & difficult to have a lot of different adults coming & going in her life. Mom said that she would love letters & pictures, but felt like visits weren’t in Kendra’s best interest. Mom also said she wanted to make sure that Kendra knew that we were her parents, the people she had to answer to & deal with. Mom said if Kendra wanted to meet as an adult, she would be happy to meet, but not before. We assurred mom that if done right, visit could work & be an asset. Mom declined & we haven’t heard from her, although we do send pictures & letters regularly.

Christa’s mom initially had much the same idea. The plan started changing almost the second Christa was born & has evolved into an open adoption with periodic visits. The problem is that initially we didn’t include Kendra in these family visits, but since there is a half-sibling that Kendra’s age, and making other arrangements for Kendra was another level of complexity, it has become a whole family affair. It seems to be working.

The catch is that Kendra, a bright 3 year old, has started asking questions. Specifically “I’ve met Christa’s birthmom, why haven’t I met mine?” Luckily, she didn’t seem upset when she asked, but it did catch us of guard. It wasn’t even around a visit & seemed to come out of the blue. We told her maybe someday we can see her. While it is true, we extend invites to her her & they may meet when Kendra is an adult, it seems unlikely that she will meet her in the near future. We don’t want to stretch the truth and just want to do what is best for Kendra. How would others approach this?

I lied about the birth father. How do I tell the truth now?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:08:18 +0000

When placing my daughter for adoption I lied and stated the birth father was a one night stand and I didn’t know him. Truthfully he’s a drug dealer and had made threats against both me and the baby while I was pregnant. Involving him terrifies me. I know he has rights but I truly did what I felt was best for our daughter. I feel horrible lying to the adoptive family and would really like to tell them the truth one day, but I’m not sure how. I’m scared that they will hate me and close the adoption. Any advice?