Open Adoption Support » son

How do I start a search for a lost grandchild?

Anonymous — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 13:04:05 +0000

My son had a child that was given up for adoption. This would have been between 1985 and 1989. All I know is the mother’s name and it was in Arlington, Texas. Can anyone help me?

Our child’s bio sibling had a baby. How do we figure this out?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:08:54 +0000

We just learned that an older bio-brother (T) of our two adopted boys had a baby. T was adopted by a different family, and we all lost touch with him for a few years but just regained contact. The relationship with him “feels” like a nephew to us parents but of course they are brothers and call themselves that. So now our sons figure they are suddenly uncles at ages 15 and 14. Us parents can’t quite figure out whether to call ourselves grandparents or step-grandparents or great-uncle/aunt. Any advice from others in a similar situation appreciated. And in the meantime we’ll try actually asking T himself, we’re going to meet him and his new proto-family tomorrow!

My son’s birth mom doesn’t always keep promises. How do I help him cope?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:28:18 +0000

I am an adoptive mom, in an open adoption, with an 11 year old boy. His birth mom is a wonderful person- but I sometimes feel like the only reason she maintains contact is for HER mother (who is a huge part of all our lives). My son’s birth mother constantly makes him promises- and then doesn’t follow through. But I think many of the promises are made under duress by her own mother. I would like some input from other mothers, who might help me understand why she keeps breaking his heart. He loves her, and I want him to- but he already tells me he can’t trust her. How do I help him cope?

How do we explain our family configuration?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:44:46 +0000

We finalized the adoption of our daughter in September after 2 years of fostering her. We also have a foster son that has been with us for a little over a year. The children are 3 months apart in age and look nothing a like so we get a lot of questions. We’ve always answered them honestly, but as the children get older (they’re 2 1/2 now) I worry about how to phrase it so that they both know they are loved and part of our family. Any suggestions?

Is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without my birthson in it?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:19:49 +0000

I am the birthmom to a 13 month old little boy who’s family lives out of state. I am wondering how to distance myself without creating problems? In the first few months and even up to the first year I think it was really important for me to receive photos and updates and be as involved as possible with his family. However, I am beginning to feel like I need to distance myself. I feel like I need to find my identity apart from the title “birthmom”. I want to be a part of his life but I feel like he shouldn’t be such an integral part of mine.

It is too hard when I meet new people and have to explain to them who this mystery child is in all my photos, and having this desire to talk about things that he is doing but having to tell the stories from a third person viewpoint, etc.

These feelings have been pushing their way out for awhile now and a perfect example is my emotional response to the last post about photo
updates. The comments about the girls who did not want their photos shared with their first family really shook me up. The thought that my son could grow up without the connection to me that I feel I have to him. It is a very real possibility that he could grow up and feel like I am a stranger (especially living out of state where we’ve only been able to have one visit). I feel like I need to protect my own heart now by lessening my attachment to him. I don’t know if that is even possible but I feel like if something were to happen right now (or ever) to where contact was cut off with him (without me having a decision in it) it would absolutely break me. And that scares me. The threat of potential rejection all over again makes me want to withdraw.

Would it be best to stick it out and let things unfold as they may, or is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without him in it? Is it even possible to make that separation mentally as a birthmom? Would it hurt him to know that I had to go for a time without contact with his family? Will his parents welcome openness when I decide I’m ready again? How long is too long, how much is too much? Ah, so many questions! Any advice? Sorry this is so jumbled. SO much to think about and consider.

How do I make our visits work in Foster to Adopt?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 12:05:12 +0000

We are in the final stages of a Foster to Adopt placement adoption of our 6.5 year old son. It has been a long and drawn out court process for this little guy and he has had multiple moves. His first mother, unfortunately for her, was born affected with FAS. This has been the cause of her losing her two children and being unable to accept and understand both the process and the end result. During our last court proceeding regarding access for the Birth mother, M, the judge has decided that 2 yearly visits are adequate for her to have access to our boy. I wish that it hadn’t been court ordered, not because we wouldn’t have tried for an open relationship with her anyways, but because the dates are pretty well set in stone so that we cannot be flexible in accommodating the visits. Anyways, I digress… In all honestly, I am very aprehensive and fearful for this first visit. I don’t want to mess it up, I don’t want it to become confrontational and I surly don’t want it to be at all negative for our son. How do we set boundaries for M when I am not sure she understands what that means? Our son has transistioned on his own over the last year from calling her Mommy M to just calling her M and I don’t know how that will confuse him if she continues to just carry on and call herself his mom. I don’t know how to deal with what will I imagine to be a huge barrage of gift giving on this visit as well. During all of her last visits with him he would come home with a trunk load of presents. Should I be getting our social worker to request no gifts, limited gifts? I don’t know. I guess what I am mostly asking is anecdotes or ideas on how to make this first visit go smoothly and as painlessly as possible when she thinks that we ‘stole’ him. Which of course is not the case, we were just the last family placed with him before he was finally released from foster care placement to an adoptive placement opportunity. Is there anything I should be doing or giving her that might help? I thought maybe making her a photo album of the last 6 months (that’s how long its been since she has seen him). Sorry that this is such a long post. Maybe I am really just over thinking things….

I am worried my sons aparents are not honoring our openness contract — what do I do?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:43:30 +0000

There was some struggle when we wrote it as to how often they should send updates and photos(I wanted them more often, they wanted to send them less often) and I haven’t yet recieved the update for last month. I realize that they are busy and there could be a thousand reasons for them not sending it yet (it usually comes around the 25th of the month) but my concern is that they are just going to do it the way they wanted to rather than what we agreed on. Am I being paranoid and ridiculous? Is it possible there was a breakdown in communication and they are under the impression the agreement was what they wanted it to be? If so how do I approach the situation – do I ask for more frequent updates or do I just accept it as is?

Should we push our son’s bmom to visit?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:06:07 +0000

Visits: We have an open adoption but have never had a visit. I think it took a while for DS’s bmom to know that we weren’t going to take him and run, plus getting over PND, grief etc. She has mentioned maybe having a visit when he’s at school age. It sounds like she’s afraid that she’ll upset him with her strong emotions (we’ll deal with it) and maybe just that it’ll make things hard for her again (can’t help with that). I feel sad that she’s completely missing out on seeing him all that time. I’m kind of torn on how much to remind her about it and how much to back off and wait. Any advice or suggestions?

How do I stay positive when my son’s parents are shutting down contact?

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 13:04:09 +0000

How do I stay positive when it seems that my sons adoptive parents are trying to shut me out of there lives?

I’ve tried to just accept that pictures might not be coming anymore, but it’s very scary for me to think that.

It’s been nearly three months since I last saw some Face book pictures, and I know there have to have been some taken during the holiday season especially.
My sons adoptive mom has stated that there have been technical difficulties, but then she changed her profile picture to one of her daughter(born to her).
No picture/s of our son at all.
It was starting to get to me, so I asked as nicely as possible and got an angry response.
I think this might be the end, next my son adoptive mom might take me off her Face book. It makes me feel like my insides are dieing.
How do I still find hope?

Qualms with different types of openness?

Anonymous — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 19:46:56 +0000

This is just a general query about why some things are shared in open adoption and not others.

I mean, personally I am fortunate to know all indenifing info about the adoptive parents I picked for my son.

I know their full names(even maiden and generational) and exactly where they live, where they work, etc..

It often alarms me when I learn about and ‘open’ adoption where this kind of information(that I take forgranted) is denied to first parents.
Even when it is obvious that the first parents are completely normal, sane people.
I mean, I was never *asked* if I wanted to know all this information, it was just given to me part and parcel with the homestudy!!
I have now learned that many first moms are not given the kind of full disclosed info that I was.
What bugs me is that the stories of these first parents who do not know their childs full name(last name) many times have more pictures, more visits, more communication, then *I* do!!
Does it make an adoptive parent more comfortable to share personal stories if indentifying info kepted back from first parents?
What is the big deal about sharing something like a last name that so many of the stories I have read have this in common?
I mean, for me, knowing my son adoptive parents last name was part of what made me choose them, family names of a certain ethnic background are important to me and part of why I have confidence in my sons family even today.
I can’t imagiine not knowing all the idenitfying info that I do, but I can’t figure out why some adoptive parents would share intimate family situations(like babys poo-poo and pee-pee) with first parents, but not their actual name??