My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road.  I’d love some feedback.

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Where we live we have very limited options (read no options) about local ‘full service’ adoption agencies that reflect what we believe are best practices in adoption (practices that reflect ongoing support for expectant and first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents including navigation of open adoption). Further there are basically no big local agencies that stress and educate about open adoption and many of them will only work with christian heterosexual married couples and while we are a heterosexual married couple we don’t want to work with an agency that doesn’t work with families of all kinds. We are planning on signing up with an agency in a nearby state that is focused on open adoption and supports all members of the triad, before and after placement. However, that support is provided by the big agency if the expectant and first parent is in that agency state, otherwise the counseling would be contracted out to a small local agency that provides counseling, in our case our local home study agency would probably provide that counseling. Our local home study agency is a small operation that primarily handles home studies for adoptions and fostering situations and counseling in the situations described above. So far we have been impressed with how they talk about all members of the triad and their approach to adoption. However, the local agency does not have an established large scale structured program for expectant and first parents or adoptees. They do not go out and seek expectant parents or market themselves as an agency that matches. Actually, they don’t market themselves at all. They are sometimes approached by expectant parents.

The situation that we’ve been told about is in some ways perfect. The expectant mother is super local which we think would be important in our idea of open adoption relationships and she is really interested in having an ongoing relationship. If she chooses to place her child she has expressed an interest in the family not being religious, but the local ‘full service’ (someone please provide another word – I hate that this sounds like a gas station) are primarily religious organizations and so matches appear to not be what she is looking for. She has described some specific world views that align closely with ours.

We have agreed to the local agency sharing our profile (I worked into the night on it), but we want to make sure that if she is interested in talking with us that all of us are given the education, counseling and support that is needed. We’re trying to identify possible problems with not using the big agency and identify resources we can use to address those issues. We would appreciate any input. This may go absolutely nowhere, but if it does we wanted to have thought this out properly. Thanks.

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We know firstmom has a lot of turmoil in her life and since our daughter’s 1st bday she has been contacting us less and less (we all agreed she would be the one to make contact about visits because she has a tough time afterwards, but we always send our biannual or more updates and let her know we look forward to her contacting us). When fm does make contact she does not ask one single question about  our daughter, not how is she, is she walking/talking/ NOTHING. Her  name isn’t even mentioned in the emails (yeah, I admit that really bugs me-but I guess she isn’t the chatty kind) She never contacted us for the 2nd bday (no card even for our daughter), she blew us off with no thought for the visit she scheduled a few months later (I say blew us off because she wrote all over facebook (on her wide open to the world page) about going to a friend’s to party all night and having a hangover the day after she never showed). That ticked us off but we let it go because we figured she wasn’t ready to visit. Then she contacted us 2 days before she was moving out of state for college about visiting, but I had the flu and didn’t check email til it was too late. To be honest that contact felt like an afterthought especially since she had a count down til moving day on fb for 2 months. We also heard nothing from her at Christmas even after we sent our updates.
I guess what I am asking is does it sound like a 20+ page photobook with 100+ pics would be too overwhelming for someone who seems like they are trying to distance themselves from us? I know people are going to say we need to talk with her, but when I do send emails with questions I get really short responses that don’t answer anything and as much as we are sure she is interested she doesn’t act like it (hence never asking a single question, I swear, not one). Also would it be overwhelming for a fdad we have never heard from other than telling the agency our letters are near and dear to him?
I know there is not a defining line about sharing too much, but we don’t really have all that much contact as it is. Thoughts???

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I mean, personally I am fortunate to know all indenifing info about the adoptive parents I picked for my son.

I know their full names(even maiden and generational) and exactly where they live, where they work, etc..

It often alarms me when I learn about and ‘open’ adoption where this kind of information(that I take forgranted) is denied to first parents.
Even when it is obvious that the first parents are completely normal, sane people.
I mean, I was never *asked* if I wanted to know all this information, it was just given to me part and parcel with the homestudy!!
I have now learned that many first moms are not given the kind of full disclosed info that I was.
What bugs me is that the stories of these first parents who do not know their childs full name(last name) many times have more pictures, more visits, more communication, then *I* do!!
Does it make an adoptive parent more comfortable to share personal stories if indentifying info kepted back from first parents?
What is the big deal about sharing something like a last name that so many of the stories I have read have this in common?
I mean, for me, knowing my son adoptive parents last name was part of what made me choose them, family names of a certain ethnic background are important to me and part of why I have confidence in my sons family even today.
I can’t imagiine not knowing all the idenitfying info that I do, but I can’t figure out why some adoptive parents would share intimate family situations(like babys poo-poo and pee-pee) with first parents, but not their actual name??

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My adopted girls are teenagers now and have come to know that their birthfamilies have scrapbooks of their lives and photos of them posted on facebook.  Both girls (and their adopted friends) feel that this has been an invasion of their privacy.  Has anybody else experienced this?

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That said, there are two issues I’m having. One is the adoptive parent’s address. We are supposed to have an open adoption. I have given then my address but they have not given me theirs. I don’t ask for it, I simply hint and hope that they will give it to me. I don’t ask because 1) I want it to be because they want to not because I asked and 2) I’m not sure how I’d handle it if they said no. I’m supposed to get yearly visits so eventually I’ll have it, but I just hate sending stuff through the agency. I wonder if they open it and read my letters. I also hate how slow it is, I want to send presents and letters TO HER. NOW. Oh and know she got them (tracking number or something). I feel like they don’t trust me with their address. I trusted them with my baby and I’m not good enough for their address?

The 2nd issue is pictures. I asked if they would mind if I posted a couple pictures they sent of our daughter on my private facebook page. I promised I would not use any photos that had anyone else in them. I was told no I could not post her pictures. I asked permission because I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone placing pictures of my other daughter on the internet without permission. I never imagined they would say no, after all she’s my daughter too! I may not be her mother but I am still her birth mother and I love her. I have pictures of her up already, the ones I took from the hospital (and I feel those are my property they were taken while she was mine before I signed and I will not take those down). They did say they asked all their family members and friends not to post her pictures on the internet so they are not just singling me out. I am very hurt and saddened, this isn’t turning out the way I thought it would. I don’t know if I should say anything or just let it go and pretend it doesn’t bother me, risking the chance that I blow up later. What do you think about it?

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If I haven’t gotten pictures, it reminds me that I haven’t gotten pictures and I don’t know if or when more will be coming.  And I wonder and worry if there will be more and it doesn’t help me at all to be consumed by those worries.  I have to believe they’ll come eventually and that’s it.  It’s out of my control.

If I have received new pictures, I might not be ready to share.  I hoard them for the first week or two.  They’re all I have and I just want to keep them just mine for a little while.  I do share eventually but I hate when people pressure me to share before I’m ready.  I need to see them a few times when I’m alone, desensitize myself to them until they no longer have the power to bring me to tears.  I need to go over the visit and let it settle in my head before I tell people about it so I can be calm about it instead of crying.

I’m grateful for the support people have given me.  I’m not sure I could have gone through with the pregnancy without their support.  But sometimes I just wish I had kept the whole thing a secret because then, no one would ask if I’ve gotten pictures or had a visit.

Has anyone else been through this?
How do I gently ask people to not bring up the topic?

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