Open Adoption Support » searching

A difficult childhood, do I tell my birth mom now that we’re in reunion?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:59:19 +0000

I have recently reunited with my birthmother after 42 years. The adoption was closed, but she had been searching for me for practically the whole time. We are getting along great, really connecting, and starting to fill in the gaps in each others past. I’m still learning the details of my adoption, so I don’t know if it was something she was railroaded into or if it was done voluntarily. I know she would have wanted the best for me regardless.

My question is what to tell her about my childhood. My first 17 years before college were not happy ones, and I never really got along with my adoptive patents, we just weren’t a good fit. I don’t want to be misleading about what my life was like, but at the same time the last thing I want to do is hurt my birthmom or make her fell guilty. If any birthmoms out there could give me advice on this I would be more than grateful. Thank you in advance.

My sister is searching for her birth parents — will I lose her?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 00:36:24 +0000

My sister was adopted before I was born – so I have always known her as my sister. My parents were always honest about the fact she was adopted. We grew up happy together and have a lot of wonderful memories. When I was 33 I moved countries and she never forgave me for leaving. We still talk occasionally – but she never contacts me. She is now 38 and our mom told me she is searching for her birth mom. I didn’t think I would feel upset as I have always wanted to support her if she did that. She hasn’t told me about the fact she is looking. I am so scared that when she finds her birth mom she won’t want me as a sister anymore. I don’t want to say anything to her as I don’t want to hurt her and I just want to support her because I love her so much. I just feel upset and I didn’t think I would. Has anyone else felt like this?

Should I search for my son's first mother?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 03:07:39 +0000

My son is six, and was placed with us as an infant in an adoption closed at his first family’s request. His mother was given the option of various levels of contact, and declined all contact. Because the adoption agency and the hospital both messed up, we have a lot of identifying information about our son’s first family: both his parents’ names, dates of birth, their address at the time of placement, where they graduated from high school, their other two children’s names and dates of birth. Our son is now starting to ask a lot of questions about them, and would like to meet them. I’ve done a little preliminary searching on the internet, but have not yet found them.

I have two questions. First, how much should I respect their insistence on no contact? They know that they can contact us if they want through the agency, and they never have. I have no interest in barging into their lives if they still don’t want contact, but I am haunted by the possibility that they have changed their minds but are afraid to barge into our lives. How disrespectful and intrusive would it be to send a note simply saying we’re interested in exploring openness if they ever change their minds, and that their son is thriving, but he misses them and would like to meet them?

Second question: assuming we decide to contact them, what’s the best way to start our search? I know it shouldn’t be hard, given all the information we have, but so far I have not found on-line records that are definitely them. If I should keep trying myself on-line, I would appreciate any recommendations of what is the best “people finder” site before I start paying for reports. If I should hire someone to help, I would appreciate any advice on how to evaluate whether someone is reputable, and what’s a reasonable fee.