Open Adoption Support » relationships

How do I make a decision about sharing our profile with a different agency?

Anonymous — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 02:19:57 +0000

We have been asked by our small local agency (the one that did our home study) whether we would be interested in putting our name and information to a local expectant mother who is considering placing her child.

Where we live we have very limited options (read no options) about local ‘full service’ adoption agencies that reflect what we believe are best practices in adoption (practices that reflect ongoing support for expectant and first parents, adoptees and adoptive parents including navigation of open adoption). Further there are basically no big local agencies that stress and educate about open adoption and many of them will only work with christian heterosexual married couples and while we are a heterosexual married couple we don’t want to work with an agency that doesn’t work with families of all kinds. We are planning on signing up with an agency in a nearby state that is focused on open adoption and supports all members of the triad, before and after placement. However, that support is provided by the big agency if the expectant and first parent is in that agency state, otherwise the counseling would be contracted out to a small local agency that provides counseling, in our case our local home study agency would probably provide that counseling. Our local home study agency is a small operation that primarily handles home studies for adoptions and fostering situations and counseling in the situations described above. So far we have been impressed with how they talk about all members of the triad and their approach to adoption. However, the local agency does not have an established large scale structured program for expectant and first parents or adoptees. They do not go out and seek expectant parents or market themselves as an agency that matches. Actually, they don’t market themselves at all. They are sometimes approached by expectant parents.

The situation that we’ve been told about is in some ways perfect. The expectant mother is super local which we think would be important in our idea of open adoption relationships and she is really interested in having an ongoing relationship. If she chooses to place her child she has expressed an interest in the family not being religious, but the local ‘full service’ (someone please provide another word – I hate that this sounds like a gas station) are primarily religious organizations and so matches appear to not be what she is looking for. She has described some specific world views that align closely with ours.

We have agreed to the local agency sharing our profile (I worked into the night on it), but we want to make sure that if she is interested in talking with us that all of us are given the education, counseling and support that is needed. We’re trying to identify possible problems with not using the big agency and identify resources we can use to address those issues. We would appreciate any input. This may go absolutely nowhere, but if it does we wanted to have thought this out properly. Thanks.

How do I handle disrespect from my son’s birth mom’s mom?

Anonymous — Fri, 06 May 2011 10:55:39 +0000

I’m stressed to the max… Tomorrow is our first meeting in person with my son’s Bmom and I’m scared and kinda freaking out…

I mean No disrespect but My son’s Bmom and her Family are all messed up big time… I wish she was like other Bmom’s on here today she called me and Ask us if her mom could come with her to see my son…she has never been respectful to us always bad mouthing us for taking her Grandson… My son is almost 2yrs old and I know he is to little to understand what she says but it hurts us…. I have till in the morning to tell her if her mom can come and I don’t know what to say….

We feel if we say NO things with her will get worst(she Lives in the town over) and if we say Yes…. she will be mean and disrepectful…..

Not sure what to do….. pls help

They closed the adoption but I’m reaching out. What do I say? How do I cope?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 10:57:17 +0000

When I was 16, I got pregnant.

I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

Can somebody tell me where I can find the studies that say open adoption is best for the child?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 03:06:53 +0000

Can somebody tell me where I can find the studies that say open adoption is best for the child? My husband & I are adoptive parents who recently sought professional counsel as we were struggling with our birthfamily relationships. The counsellor cited the ‘confusion theory’ and said we should close contact. I would like to present the other side of the story but whenever I look for these studies about open adoption, all I find is one study done in the 90′s with 20 families. Certainly there are more than that!

Just found out my son’s first mom is pregnant. Should I let her know I know?

Anonymous — Fri, 04 Feb 2011 15:32:11 +0000

We recently found out from another first family member that our son’s first mom is pregnant again by the same man who is the father of our son. First mom has not told us anything about this (most of our contact is one way – us writing and sending photos to her.) We can’t decide if we should bring it up with her or if we should act like we don’t know and wait for her to tell us, if she ever does. Our main concerns are for first mom – to offer her what support we can – and for our son (who is 20 mo old) – to be able to know his sibling eventually – but we don’t want to intrude on first mom’s privacy.

We would appreciate hearing the thoughts of others in open adoption relationships.

Should I arrange visits behind my husband’s back?

Anonymous — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 16:44:48 +0000

My husband and I don’t agree on openness. We agreed on many things prior to our adopting our 2 kids, but now that our kids are home, my husband has admitted that he doesn’t believe in openness. We have one semi-open agreement with no visitation, and one open adoption with visitation for two years. And as time goes on, my heart becomes more and more open and I see no reason why we shouldn’t have closer relationships with our birthfamilies. I was thinking about talking to our birthparents about that and having a visit without telling my husband. How would birthparents feel about that?

How do I handle Facebook relationships with her birth family for our 14-year old daughter?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 19:56:40 +0000

We promised our 14 year old daughter she could get on facebook when she made honor roll. We expect her fall semester report card to be honor roll.

We have an open adoption and many of her first family members are great. However some members of her first family can be inappropriate. We still are in contact with them, we just manage those relationships differently.

Several of her first family members are on facebook and post very inappropriate things for a 14 year old to read. Her birth father recently posted about wanting to beat someone over being sending the police to search his house. He’s mentioned drugs, discussed excessive drinking, hits on women constantly and uses ‘n’ word. Her first mother has posted about being abused by her husband (not the birthdad), police involvement and is still with the guy – the ever changing status of married/single/etc. She speaks poorly about people and family who then see it and call her out, it’s very dramatic and messy.

I really don’t think she should be friends with them on facebook at this point. She has an aunt and grandmother on different sides of her first family that I would have no problem with her being friends with on facebook. But both of them are friends with the first parents.

How do I handle this? Do I block them pre-emptively? Do I wait until they try to friend her and have her decline it? Do I tell them not to friend her at this point? How much do I discuss with her? I don’t want this to be dishonest in anyway but I also don’t want to denigrate them. They are simply too adult for her.

This isn’t just about adoption. I’m not going to let her be friends with one of my cousins whose facebook is full of drug and party references. I don’t mean the normal college student stuff but DUI, rehab, overdose and still doing more drugs while facing possible jail time.

Both parents have her listed by full name and birthdate as their kid on facebook, which doesn’t bug me, and have said they can’t wait to friend her, which is why I went to check their pages.

What do I do? I’m leaning towards honestly talking to them which will be so hard. But I admit, blocking them would be much easier.

How do you handle relationships with bio siblings?

Anonymous — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 13:08:41 +0000

Wondering how other adoptive parents have handled relationships between thier child through adoption and other children BP have. Our family is a make up of 4 bio boys and a daughter through adoption. We have an ongoing relationship with BP and maternal GPs. When we adopted 8 years ago BPs were very young & still in school. Recently they had another child together. When birth mother and I talked before the birth we had come to the conclusion together that the relationship would look more like a distant cousin. Now birth mother wants more. We have been very honest with our daughter from day one. But we have not told her about the new baby. A big reason is the idea of how will she feel. We have always told her that her BPs love her, that they were not ready to be parents to any child. From the outside the circumstances of BPs have not changed much. Still living at home with parents & still young. Does anyone have any thoughts or experience that may help us establish healthy boundaries?

My son says, "I don't like her"

Anonymous — Mon, 10 May 2010 11:26:19 +0000

I recently posted here about the possibility of meeting my son’s first mom for the first time at a public event. I appreciated all the encouragement I received and we did meet her. It was wonderful to see her in her element and felt very comfortable to me.

After the performance, she greeted us warmly. We spoke very briefly, took a photo of her with our son and then she said goodbye. Her interaction with our son was very brief — she said hello to him and stood next to him for a photo.

Since then, my son has not wanted to talk about her and if I mention her he says, “I don’t like her” or “She’s mean.” We have the photo we took framed in his room and he points at it and says “I don’t like her.” I am thinking that he is just overwhelmed, perhaps beginning to understand that this person we have always talked about is actually REAL. I don’t have any concern that he truly doesn’t like her, but I’m not sure of the best way to respond to him. I’ve been saying, “That’s okay if you don’t like her. But I like her a lot and she loves you very much.” Any input?

"Thank you for raising my son"?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 14:43:53 +0000

My son’s birth mother wrote us a wonderful letter recently describing how well she is doing and how happy she is. Towards the end of the letter, she stated “Thank you for raising my son.” This phrase threw me off. It made me feel like we were simply doing her a favor by raising her child, just until she could do it herself. As an adoptive mother, I sort of felt demeaned, like I was simply a “stand in” for her. My question is: do I address this in our next letter to her? Or do I let it go b/c it’s my own issue that I need to deal with on my own?