Open Adoption Support » relationship

I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact with our son’s addicted birth parents.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:44:38 +0000

We have a 20 month old son, which also means we have a 20 month old open adoption relationship with his birth parents. That means we are still learning and figuring out how to work in this relationship (and probably will for the foreseeable future). My question is this…how do we maintain a relationship, if it is even possible, with someone dealing with addiction? Also, living several states away (which wasn’t true at the time of placement)?

First off I have only a small idea of what addition is like; over eating, playing too many video games, etc, etc, but none of that has been enough to change the course of my life. So while I can emphasize with her addictions, I know I will never completely understand what she is going through. Quite honestly, I hope I never have to completely understand. However, I would like to keep a door open to her in regards to a possible relationship with our son. I want to be able to do that without being taken advantage of and I know that is a fine, fine line.

So I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact. I am afraid, if the past is any indication, this relationship will be largely one sided.

How do I respectfully open a discussion about handling posting of pictures?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:42:16 +0000

We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.

My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.

Is it appropriate if my daughter’s first mother refers to her as HER daughter?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:04:32 +0000

Our daughter is 3 years old and we are involved in an open adoption with both birthparents (birthparents are not together). Birthmom has predominantly visited us with her family (parents/2 sibllings). Historically, I have alwasys felt that she has been very respectful of my position as “Mom”-when talking to our daughter, making effort to refer to me as “Mommy”. Birthmom has always been referred to by her first name.

Birthmom’s mom has a rather strong, vibrant personality and within first year of our daughter’s birth stated at an early visit “so is there a “Nana” in the picture??”. We were taken aback and just responded “no” (which is true- our Moms go by other “Grandma-like” names). Since then, she has always referred to herself as “Nana” (addresses books and signs cards this way). In retrospect, perhaps we should have handled this diffferently. I share this part to give context to me inquiry.

For the very first time ever, birthmom bought a “Love You Daughter” birthday card for our daughter. I was surprised by it and admittedly, I cannot deny that I have been struggling with
this issue ever since. It is ouchy to the heart. I always thought that there would only be 2 people to give her that kind of card-myself and my husband. Though I do honour that this young woman carried our daughter for 9 months and chose us to parent her. I am debating if a “boundary” should be set in this regard. Ultimately, I know it is great for our daughter to feel loved “best interests of the child” approach). I am just wondering if this is the presidence that should be set or want to be set (not really according to my heart)?

Is it potentially confusing for my daughter- whether now or later (should more “daughter” references persist)? I feel badly about mystruggles with this situation and would not want to cause hurt in theopen adoption relationship. Yet sometimes I wonder if my husband andI need to consider setting more boundaries- we have conductedourselves with a lot of flexibility and openess. Lately, I havestarted to feel like it is as if our daughter is “on lease” to us. Iknow that is not true and not what is intended by the birthfamily, butthis latest deal with the card is challenging my confidence andsecurity. Do I need to be the “bigger person” and move on, forgiveher for the insensitivity? OR is this when I need to identify anissue? If the latter- where do I begin? The other complication isthat most communication tends to be faciliated through birthmom’s mom.

Thanks for feedback- I am anxiously awaiting!

Would it be fair for me to ask for our child’s birthmother to work on her relationship with the birthfather?

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:33:31 +0000

My daughters birthparents don’t speak. She lied to him about the pregnancy and so he didn’t find out about my daughter until shortly before she was born. Since then, our birthfather has tried to be in touch with our birthmother, but she refuses to speak with him. We had to have separate meetings during the adoption process because she refused to be in a room with him. And since then, he has texted & emailed & called her and she refuses any contact. I don’t believe he has any poor intention at all .. he seems to lover and miss her and seems to want to mourn the loss of parenting their daughter together.

Would it be fair for me to ask for her to work on her relationship with him? My husband & I very much believe that they should be friends (they created our daugther together afterall) and that it would be great for our daughter to be able to have visits with them both at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. Do I have the rite to ask that?

Our child’s bio sibling had a baby. How do we figure this out?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:08:54 +0000

We just learned that an older bio-brother (T) of our two adopted boys had a baby. T was adopted by a different family, and we all lost touch with him for a few years but just regained contact. The relationship with him “feels” like a nephew to us parents but of course they are brothers and call themselves that. So now our sons figure they are suddenly uncles at ages 15 and 14. Us parents can’t quite figure out whether to call ourselves grandparents or step-grandparents or great-uncle/aunt. Any advice from others in a similar situation appreciated. And in the meantime we’ll try actually asking T himself, we’re going to meet him and his new proto-family tomorrow!

What kind of gift would be best to give my son’s A-mom for Christmas?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 17:31:31 +0000

My son is 7 months old, this will be our first Christmas, and I want to give her something meaningful that she will cherish. So far, we have a wonderful relationship….tons of pictures on a weekly basis, visits every 6-8 weeks, and emails whenever the mood strikes either of us. I truly feel we will be very close friends (family) for years to come. I want to get the “perfect” gift for her that expresses how thankful I am to have found her and her husband and their other 2 sons. I was thinking maybe a symbolic necklace/pendant that I would purchase for myself as well, so we would each have one to show our connection to each other and to “our” little one. I would really appreciate any ideas from anyone who has received or given a special gift like this.

How do you explain to your child that extended members of their bio family don’t want to know about them?

Anonymous — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 14:01:12 +0000

How do you explain to your child that extended members of their biological family (not the birth parents) didn’t support their adoption and don’t want to know about them? We have a great relationship with the birth parents and both of their families know about the adoption but did not support it, never showed up at the hospital, didn’t ask for photos, etc. Once the birth mom decided to place, her parents basically decided our child was dead to them. I can appreciate their own grief and b/c I don’t know them, I’m not sure we are missing much by not having a relationship with them. At the same time, I am sad for my child that he will one day learn of this and feel rejection. Have any of you had the same experience (birth parents or adoptive) and how have you explained this to your child?

How on earth do I ever become his Mom when I cannot get space away from his angry birth family?

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:33:11 +0000

A little over a year ago my husband and I received a phone call from an acquaintance asking us if we knew anyone who would adopt her sisters baby. We said we would. We knew the family a little, members of our family knew their family much better. We had been married for 17 years and never had children and were at peace with our lives. This child needed a home so we said yes.

We met with an agency that promoted open adoption and we all talked. the birthmom was going to be living abroad with missionary work and asked for pictures and updates 4 times a year and would like to visit once or twice. We were completely mislead about the BF but that comes later. She gave birth 7 days after we met and we had the baby 3 days after that. We thought we had this whole thing figured out. We knew what we would be willing to do and what we would not be willing to do. We had the baby before the parents gave consent. And when it was time for the consent every one vanished – We couldn’t find anyone for two months. The birthmom called and that was a horrible conversation – then the consent came. No one called us to tell us this happened – we found out from the agency when they got the paper work from the courts. Then the angry letters, phone calls, and emails start – and they come in from all directions – the BF parents, grand parents, the birthmom, her parents, the sister calls. We are not holding up our end of the deal. We are now supposed to be sending 4 pictures every other week, the birthmom should be able to come whenever she wants, and she wants the relationship that was coined as “the fridge privilege type”, when she shows up for visits, she is late and even if you ask her who is coming with you, she will say just her, and then show up with up to 5 people. We agreed to celebrate special days around the actual day – that has turned into us being horrible people, as she should be here every birthday for his entire life.

I have over 128 emails some up to 5 sets of correspondence on them in this first year. When she was getting married we were shameful that we didn’t drive 20 hours with a 8month old baby. We can do absolutely nothing right – that last email we got after her parents firing off emails, and her sister calling, was our birthmom talking about her son and her sacrifice – How on earth do I ever become his Mom when I cannot go for two weeks without having to respond to all of these people with why we have made a decision? This is open adoption? This is not even close to what we were told.

How do I have an honest conversation with my son’s adoptive mom and explain to her that she hurt me?

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 22:24:36 +0000

My son is 13 months old and I recently sent his adoptive mom an e-mail and in the course of the conversation asked her how close he was to walking. She responded with a video that showed he has obviously been walking for awhile now. I am always so thankful for the videos and really anything that she sends me but I was incredibly hurt that she didn’t think to tell me earlier that he was walking. I guess in my mind I always imagined getting a video titled “___ taking his first steps!” I have been feeling for awhile like she has been distancing herself/him from me but this just solidified all of my doubts. I don’t feel like I am unjustified to have expected her to share such a milestone with me considering we do have an open adoption and I receive regular updates and photos and we have scheduled visits. Our OA relationship has never been one with a lot of limits but I feel like more and more they are expecting me to just disappear into the woodwork and “move on”. How do I have an honest conversation with my sons adoptive mom and explain to her that she hurt me without creating more distance?

A question for birth mothers, would you be offended if your non-birth parent significant other wasn’t allowed to be part of the open adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:17:36 +0000

Question for Birth Moms – Assuming you are no longer in a relationship with the birth father of your child, how would you feel if the adoptive parents told you they didn’t want their child spending time with your significant other (even if you are now married). As an adoptive parent, I have not been faced with this dilemma yet but in talking to other adoptive parents who love their child’s birth mom, they have decided to only allow contact with her and not with her new husband. Their reasoning is that they want their child to build a relationship with her birth mom without complicating it with other people (they don’t have a particular issue with the new husband, they just want to focus on the birth mom right now). They only see the birth mom once a year for a few hours so they don’t want to have to share that time with her new husband or to explain who he is, etc., to their daughter. They have decided they will allow him to come if their daughter ever asks the birth mom whether she is married and if she expresses a desire to meet him. I don’t know how we’ll proceed when our child’s birth mom is married and wanted to get thoughts from birth moms. I get my friend’s reasoning but could also see how this could be perceived negatively by birth aprents.