Open Adoption Support » post-placement

Do we send photos although she hasn’t requested them or not?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 12:30:23 +0000

My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost a year ago. Before our son’s birth, we all agreed that we wanted to maintain some form of openness but what that would look like was never discussed (we went through a private attorney so the support was not there). Since our son’s birth, we have visited with our son’s birth mom on three occassions (all at her request and two were in the first month post-placement), and we also have sent photos once (through the lawyer) also at her
request. For a variety of reasons, although we sometimes (maybe every two months) communicate directly through email and plan visits this way, we have decided it is best that she request photos directly through the lawyer.

The last time she requested photos was in September. We have seen her once since then and I reminded her that I have lots of holiday photos and that all she needs to do is ask the lawyer for them and I’ll send them to her. In several email exchanges, she has mentioned in passing that the next day she is going to call the lawyer for photos but it never happens.

As mother’s day/our son’s first birthday approaches, I would like to do something nice to honor her and let her know we think of her often. I was thinking of sending her a nice letter and maybe a photo gift with our son’s picture on it. That being said, I understand it might be painful for her to receive photos/updates and that may be the reason she has never actually called the lawyer to request more photos. We have always said we would take our cue from her (and that if she wants visits, photos, etc., she just needs to ask). So I don’t want to send something if she is not ready to receive it but I also don’t want her to think that we have forgotten about her during this special time of year. Advice from birth moms and adoptive parent’s would be appreciated. As an additional note, our she is very young and not very open about her feelings (there was never a tear at the hospital and I was with her the entire time from birth to placement).

How do I deal with how much this hurts?

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 09:12:07 +0000

I have a little boy 17 months old and I also just gave four days ago to a beautiful baby boy who I have
given up for adoption to a wonderful family and the adoption is open and we are like family now as well. We talk everyday and though we are out of the hospital I went for our first visit today and it was ok. I’m having a hard time with moving on. I know everyone says that but I don’t want to go see a counselor, I am so sick of people saying it will be ok when they don’t know. It’s as if part of me had died. I know I am so very lucky that I have two healthy beautiful children and that I chose such an amazing family. I did what was best for him and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect match. But there is still that hurt. I made someone’s dream come true and I gave them the ultimate gift but I’m having a really hard time. I’m currently going to college online and I take care of my little boy but I could use some…advice or encouragement or something. I know it’s a great thing I did but that doesn’t make it easy. I have a little boy that needs me and I just feel like crawling in bed forever. I know it’s still new and it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In about a week and a half the family will be taking him home to another country and I know that will be the
ultimate hurt. I will only see him if they ever visit the states or if I ever visit them. She’s very open and loves me as much as I love her and says my son has two mommies and she’s open to as much contact as I want which is amazing I know but, I still have this hurt. I don’t know how, but can you offer anything? Any places to go like chatrooms or books to read or some hobby I should take up, should I run out and try to get a job right away? I’m open to your suggestions and I’m hoping I don’t need any medication. LOL.

I lied about the birth father. How do I tell the truth now?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:08:18 +0000

When placing my daughter for adoption I lied and stated the birth father was a one night stand and I didn’t know him. Truthfully he’s a drug dealer and had made threats against both me and the baby while I was pregnant. Involving him terrifies me. I know he has rights but I truly did what I felt was best for our daughter. I feel horrible lying to the adoptive family and would really like to tell them the truth one day, but I’m not sure how. I’m scared that they will hate me and close the adoption. Any advice?

How much should I share with my child's birth mom?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 23:46:22 +0000

My husband and I have what I consider a very good relationship with our daughters birthmom. In fact, there are times, that I think she and I would like to just hang out without the kids!! I just posted about my daughter acting out after the last couple of visits (we get togehter every 2-3 months) and I wonder if letting her know about some of it is too much to put on her (birthmom?)
I did tell her that I have noticed in the past year, that she is protective about talking about her birth family now that she has picked up that its not ”the norm”

Do I share enough? Too much?

Should I make my daughter come with me to visit her placed sibling?

Anonymous — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 02:20:11 +0000

I don’t know if the Baby’s parents read here. They might. (Hi J!) She reads my blog so she probably already knows I’m a confused mess so here goes.

We’ve been invited to “The Baby’s” first birthday party. FDad may or may not come depending on his work schedule. I am probaby going…even though it’s going to be a huge scary intimidating gathering (probably over 50 people), wild horses couldn’t keep me away. I am not at all good in big groups of strangers but I survived their Thanksgiving so I’ll survive this too.

My older daughter (Munchkin) is 7 and still wants nothing to do with “the Baby.” She acknowledges that the Baby is biologically her sister and is just not interested right now in her or any babies at all. Baby C’s parents I think are a little put out that Munchkin isn’t interested. At previous visits, I’ve told Munchkin that I was going and invited her along. She refused and stayed with her grandparents instead. She doesn’t protest that I’m going but just doesn’t want to go along.

This past year, I haven’t really pushed her…but at what point should I push her? Should I insist that she come to this first birthday party? Or ask her to come to a quieter more low-key visit this spring? I start thinking – enough already! …that she should be at visits. But why? One minute I’m saying that she’s a person and defending her right to make any choices she wants unless they directly harm her and the next I’m thinking abotu forcing contact with her bio-sibling whether she wants to or not. I usually try to pull adoption out of the equation (if it was an extended family member, would I do this?) and using that guide, I would nto force munchkin to be in contact if she didn’t want to…but this IS adoption….

Is it right to force contact when the only sibling who can tell us how she feels doesn’t want to visit?