Open Adoption Support » post-adoption

Should I be more proactive about building birthfather contact?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 11:54:35 +0000

Our son, the Munchkin, is now 2 1/2 years old. When he was born his birthmom told us that his birthfather broke off all contact when he knew she was pregnant and hasn’t responded to her since. She recently mentioned trying to send him pictures of our son and that he didn’t reply, I think she also tried to give him photos soon after the Munchkin was born. We had similar comments from the adoption professionals that had contact with him, like he wouldn’t even take the papers that were served and they had to leave them on his doorstep.

We don’t have a lot of contact with his birthmom, but we’re friends on facebook, send photos and letters frequently and do have an occasional email from her. Now the Munchkin is getting older I’m wondering if I should make more of a proactive effort to find his birthfather. I guess I’m partly afraid of being rudely rebuffed (I’m a bit of a sensitive type), judging from what I’ve heard, but maybe better me now than Munchkin in a few years time. I wonder if I’ve been too accepting that he doesn’t want contact. I also don’t want to hurt Munchkin’s birthmom by either going behind her back, or asking her to get involved, or even making her afraid that she’s going to lose out to Munchkin’s birthfather.

Does anyone have any advice? I’d appreciate hearing your opinions and suggestions. Thanks.

Found our daughter's mom on Facebook, should we message her?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 00:31:21 +0000

I have a 7 yr. old we adopted openly, although have not had contact with birth mom in 2 years . I recently found birth mom on facebook and am thinking of sending her a message. I support any relationship with birth family when my daughter is old enough to handle it. I welcome your thoughts on this.

Is there such a thing as too much contact?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 17:59:14 +0000

Since my sons bmother completed her job training away from home..shes trying to turn her life around so ive been allowing her to spend a night here and there at my house..shes always respectful to me and the kids her moms home isnt very stable..drinking,,verbal abuse etc. shes come to church with us a couple of times also. my 2 concerns are..could her previous behavior rub off on my kids..especialy my teen girls and is ther a such thing as tooo much contact? I enjoy having her..i just get nervous because her past behaviors, pills,,guys,etc ..and shes only 21. my son is 3 and knows exactly who mommy is theres no confusion there..so is having her around maybe 1 to 2 times a week ok for him?

How can I prepare for a long visit?

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 14:35:37 +0000

First, let me say that my DD has an amazing birthfamily and they have truly given us so much more of a relationship than I ever dreamed we could have. We love them and want them to be involved in DD’s life as much as possible. We have done many, many day trips and other visits and they have gone 98% well.

Having said that, I am also a little freaked out, since this upcoming visit will be the longest we have ever done (several days). DD just turned one and they (birthmom and birthgrandparents) are coming for a visit. They are staying at a hotel, so that part is okay, but I am so nervous about the awkward silences. I know that there is still a lot of grief involved for them and I know that birthmom wouldn’t have chosen any other family than us, but it is so hard to know what to say sometimes. All of us are still second-guessing ourselves. Even ordering pizza gets overly complicated. I end up completely drained after just a few hours and I need to be able to entertain for several days. Any ideas or tips. Games to play? Things to do? What do you all do? I’ll take any advice! Thanks

First mom can't meet. Should I worry?

Anonymous — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 18:02:07 +0000

OK….maybe I’m over-thinking this…but first my daughter’s birthmother ignores her 4th birthday. Now…I’ve been trying to set up our annual summer visit (our 1 visit a year) and, from what she told me, she will not be able to meet. Should I be worried?

We have had some great previous visits. I even thought our relationship was getting easier and closer…especially after last summer’s visit. We had a great time, and she seemed to have fun playing with my daughter and spending time with her. She had put a lot of thought into the gift she had brought for her, and I could tell from her expression that she loved giving it to her and seeing her reaction.

Perhaps I’m worrying too much. I know she has to be busy…she will be graduating from college, starting a new job, and planning a wedding. Should I just “hang back” and wait for her to let me know when a good time would be? The difficulty with that is we live in two different states and there is no easy way to see her. Even if we meet half-way…that’s a 6-hour drive (at least).

How to tell her not to call herself "mommy?"

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 14:25:07 +0000

well i received a call from my sons bmother. she asked me..when i come down next weekend, can I take a picture with K? I said sure,,she wants to go to sears. She said..i never took a picture just mommy and son! Well, now, I am going to allow the picture BUT wondering how Im going to address the whole..mommy and him thing. He calls her by her first name and since he just turned 3 he has no clue what adoption is just yet. So again,,shes managed to put me on the spot. Not sure how to address her.

What do I do when his birth mom is inappropriate?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 01:32:16 +0000

So Our oldest sons birth mother contacted him over the internet last year when he was 16. She knew how to get in touch with us and we had asked for an open adoption at his birth. She chose not to and then went behind our backs 16 yrs later, We have since met, I found out she has a mental illness. I have tried to facilitate communication between the two but I am now out of the loop, he is a senior. They had their first face to face behind my back a few weeks ago, and now she is calling him daily. I am very uncomfortable with this, I want them to have a relationship and I don’t want to be in control of it, but I worry about her boundaries, and that she has shown me no consideration or respect to inform me that she is communicating with him. We are adults, he is the child in common. She tells him all the time that he is a man while I of course know that yes he is getting ready to move on but he is still a child. She gave him a nude painting of herself..do I need to say more? Help!!!!!

No related posts.

How do I deal with how much this hurts?

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 09:12:07 +0000

I have a little boy 17 months old and I also just gave four days ago to a beautiful baby boy who I have
given up for adoption to a wonderful family and the adoption is open and we are like family now as well. We talk everyday and though we are out of the hospital I went for our first visit today and it was ok. I’m having a hard time with moving on. I know everyone says that but I don’t want to go see a counselor, I am so sick of people saying it will be ok when they don’t know. It’s as if part of me had died. I know I am so very lucky that I have two healthy beautiful children and that I chose such an amazing family. I did what was best for him and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect match. But there is still that hurt. I made someone’s dream come true and I gave them the ultimate gift but I’m having a really hard time. I’m currently going to college online and I take care of my little boy but I could use some…advice or encouragement or something. I know it’s a great thing I did but that doesn’t make it easy. I have a little boy that needs me and I just feel like crawling in bed forever. I know it’s still new and it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In about a week and a half the family will be taking him home to another country and I know that will be the
ultimate hurt. I will only see him if they ever visit the states or if I ever visit them. She’s very open and loves me as much as I love her and says my son has two mommies and she’s open to as much contact as I want which is amazing I know but, I still have this hurt. I don’t know how, but can you offer anything? Any places to go like chatrooms or books to read or some hobby I should take up, should I run out and try to get a job right away? I’m open to your suggestions and I’m hoping I don’t need any medication. LOL.

Do we have to send letters to grandparents?

Anonymous — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 02:19:22 +0000

Once again…I need some suggestions from others with more experience than myself…in regard to the bf’s mother. As I had previously posted, we have been having considerable “challenges” with the bf’s mother….everything from threats to guilt-trips to seething letters…and then she’ll act like nothing bad has ever transpired between us. (I suspect that she MIGHT be manic-depressive.) Anyway…just got a response from my request that they limit their gifts. She agreed and thanked me for explaining it to her. But, she wants to start e-mailing me regularly and wants me to give updates to her as well as her son. I hesitate because she will take things we say, such as, “we are planning a summer vacation”, and twist it into “we are coming to see you for summer vacation”. When we don’t do what she dreams up or twists around…we get a hateful letter from her about how we got her hopes up and disappointed her once again. Because of this…we had previously told the bf that all communication will go through him (all updates, pictures, everything.) I am conflicted because I do not want to create tension or anxiety between us (at least, any more than already exists), but I really truly believe that more contact with her will create more problems and more “misunderstandings”. Help!!!

How can I get the adoptive parents to stretch their boundaries?

Anonymous — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 16:28:19 +0000

I was wondering how you deal with boundaries and respect in your doption? I am a birth mother, just two months into the adoption. While I was pregnant and going through the adoption process I was treated pretty nicely, everyone bent over backwards to make me happy. Now that it’s done, I’ve experienced a fall from grace. I don’t think anybody lied to me and I don’t feel coerced or anything, it’s just a little difficult to settle into the new role. I know relationships take time and work and don’t happen overnight.

That said, there are two issues I’m having. One is the adoptive parent’s address. We are supposed to have an open adoption. I have given then my address but they have not given me theirs. I don’t ask for it, I simply hint and hope that they will give it to me. I don’t ask because 1) I want it to be because they want to not because I asked and 2) I’m not sure how I’d handle it if they said no. I’m supposed to get yearly visits so eventually I’ll have it, but I just hate sending stuff through the agency. I wonder if they open it and read my letters. I also hate how slow it is, I want to send presents and letters TO HER. NOW. Oh and know she got them (tracking number or something). I feel like they don’t trust me with their address. I trusted them with my baby and I’m not good enough for their address?

The 2nd issue is pictures. I asked if they would mind if I posted a couple pictures they sent of our daughter on my private facebook page. I promised I would not use any photos that had anyone else in them. I was told no I could not post her pictures. I asked permission because I know I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone placing pictures of my other daughter on the internet without permission. I never imagined they would say no, after all she’s my daughter too! I may not be her mother but I am still her birth mother and I love her. I have pictures of her up already, the ones I took from the hospital (and I feel those are my property they were taken while she was mine before I signed and I will not take those down). They did say they asked all their family members and friends not to post her pictures on the internet so they are not just singling me out. I am very hurt and saddened, this isn’t turning out the way I thought it would. I don’t know if I should say anything or just let it go and pretend it doesn’t bother me, risking the chance that I blow up later. What do you think about it?