Open Adoption Support » post-adoption support

Have I set my daughter up for disappointment?

Anonymous — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 21:28:44 +0000

We have an open adoption, our agency encouraged it and gave us some education…every year I send a letter and pictures to my daughter’s birthmother. We also buy her birthsisters Christmas gifts. We have always told my daughter the story of her adoption since she was a baby. The problem is, now age 7, my daughter has recently become very interested in meeting her birthsisters. We arranged a meeting but the birth family canceled at the last minute and it seems that another meeting will not be possible for a very long time as her birthsistesr live in a different city. The last meeting we almost arranged was about four years ago, and it was also canceled at the last minute. I do see the birth grandma about once a year, however. At any rate, I feel like I have made a big mistake talking about my daughter’s birthmother as much as I have. I don’t want my daughter to feel rejected…what should I do now? How do I explain to my daughter that her birthmother loves her but does not want to or cannot see her?

They haven't even told my daughter she's adopted. Now what?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 Dec 2009 17:10:44 +0000

I had never considered adoption for my daughter prior to being admitted to the hospital. My baby had suddenly decided to come early, and I did not have any support.

In the hospital, I was interrogated by an adoption lawyer and agency. This was while in the hospital bed, the day after my daughter was born. I don’t know how they found me, as I had never contacted any adoption agency, as it wasn’t a part of my idea. I asked about being in an open adoption, as a part of my daughter’s life. They broke me down for hours, until I signed papers giving up my rights to my daughter, but they had also agreed that I’d have an open adoption with visits, pictures, updates, etc. When I met the adoptive parents, prior to the finalization, they made these same promises.

11 years later, the adoption has been closed. After three years I stopped receiving pictures and updates. I have found them, and am in an email exchange with a criminal lawyer friend of theirs who is also an adoptive parent who doesn’t get it. I wrote to him again, but he just defends the adoptive parents, saying they were nice and then he told me my daughter doesn’t even know she’s adopted! This is after the adoptive mother stated that she tells my daughter about me.

I feel very betrayed. But I am still plugging away. I am afraid that I will never be allowed to be a part of my daughter’s life. Since she doesn’t know she’s adopted, she will never search for me. It’s been 11 years that have been lost. I feel like I just keep beating my head into the wall with these people. All I want, is what I was promised.

How do I go about opening a closed adoption?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:23:43 +0000

My son, who is 2, was placed with us as a newborn in a closed adoption. We had wanted a fully open adoption, but his birthmom did not. Over these 2 years, we have sent letters and photos once a month. Initially these were held by the agency, but then the birthmom contacted them and asked for the letters. At 1 year, she sent us a brief letter. In the past year, we had heard nothing from her, but continued to send monthly updates.

Then, much to our surprise, she sent us some photos and her phone number! I exchanged several text messages with her and then talked on the phone with her for about 15 minutes. It was very, very, VERY exciting although also a bit awkward — she’s one of the most important people in our lives and yet we had never seen or spoken to her before. At the end of the call, she said to “call or text anytime.”

I really, really want to grow this new relationship with her, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to come on too strong but I don’t want to be too reserved. Anyone BTDT? Ideas or suggestions?

When the adoption isn’t a secret, how do you tell people you don’t want to share?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 May 2009 14:05:32 +0000

Everyone who knows about the adoption (especially my parents and siblings, my friends to a lesser extent) asks me about it. Have I heard from the baby’s parents lately? Do I have any new pictures to show them? Will I have another visit soon?

If I haven’t gotten pictures, it reminds me that I haven’t gotten pictures and I don’t know if or when more will be coming. And I wonder and worry if there will be more and it doesn’t help me at all to be consumed by those worries. I have to believe they’ll come eventually and that’s it. It’s out of my control.

If I have received new pictures, I might not be ready to share. I hoard them for the first week or two. They’re all I have and I just want to keep them just mine for a little while. I do share eventually but I hate when people pressure me to share before I’m ready. I need to see them a few times when I’m alone, desensitize myself to them until they no longer have the power to bring me to tears. I need to go over the visit and let it settle in my head before I tell people about it so I can be calm about it instead of crying.

I’m grateful for the support people have given me. I’m not sure I could have gone through with the pregnancy without their support. But sometimes I just wish I had kept the whole thing a secret because then, no one would ask if I’ve gotten pictures or had a visit.

Has anyone else been through this?
How do I gently ask people to not bring up the topic?

First Grandparent is hostile, what to do?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:59:30 +0000

My son’s bio grandfather wants to see him, but he has been very much against the adoption since placement happened over a year ago. He hasn’t really said or done anything extreme, but the 2 times he has seen his grandson he has not spoken a word to my husband or I and left us out of conversations with his daughter. We are not overbearing people and we respect the need for privacy b/w the bparents and DS. But we don’t really trust him since we have no relationship with him and he is VERY standoffish. I dread going to these visits with him there (we do have a good relationship w/ the bparents) because it is extremely awkward. Should we talk to him or bmom about his behavior? Or create some boundaries with him?

Grandparent rights after adoption?