Open Adoption Support » post-adoption relationships

Can I give gifts just to my son or do I need to include his parents other kids?

Anonymous — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 17:58:56 +0000

Is giving gifts to just my son, who was adopted by parents who also have a natural born child, enough?

Or should I give gifts to that child as well, even though they say I don’t have too. Technically they say I don’t have to give gifts to my son too, but do they really mean that?
I mean, I WANT to give gifts to my son, and open adoption allows me to do so.

Where do you stop though, would they like me more if I gave gifts not only to my son, but to their natural born child too?

I’m asking because the first father DOES give gifts to the natural born child as well as our son whom we decided mutally to place in open adoption. The first father is much more wealthy than I am, and he gives gifts that are usually about twice or three times the value that I am able to give.

I DO but alot of thought into what to give my son, but I am quite limited with resources to actually get the really nice things. I assume he has more than he could ever want anyways and get him what I think are simply fun toys.

Do adoptive parents in open adoption judge first parents on the gifts that they get from their adopted childrens first parents?
I am not sure if I am phrasing these questions right, or if anyone will see them here…

How can I ask my child's parents to be more consistent?

Anonymous — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:25:27 +0000

The original agreement (6 years ago when R was born) was twice a year pictures and once a year visits. I was fine with that. Then as R got to be toddler age, we did visits on some sort of erratic schedule decided by R’s mother, sometimes monthly, sometimes every 3 months, but fairly frequently and we had monthly email contact, sometimes with pictures.

R’s mom had not contacted me and had ignored my emails for 10 months. This is a first for us. She’s always been erratic but she’s never gone that long without contact. The daughter I’m parenting (D, age 8 ) was disappointed by the stop of contact, and then upset, and finally accepting of the fact that there might not be any more contact. I had accepted that there might not be more contact.

Now she’s contacted me again, after 10 months of silence. I don’t know what to do. And I’m angry. I wouldn’t refuse to see R if that’s what she wants but I’m not sure that it’s good for D to have such erratic contacts. If there was a set schedule that was followed, she would know what to expect and she does want to see her sister.

I just don’t like seeing her emotions on a roller coaster ride because R’s mom isn’t consistant. The emotional roller coaster hurts me too but I’m an adult. I need R’s parents to set a schedule they can live with and stick to it. But I don’t know how to insist on it.

I don’t want to think that I want more than they’re willing to give. I don’t care what schedule they set. I want them to pick something and then follow it. The erratic contact is no longer acceptable because it’s hurting D.

Any suggestions? What would you do if you were me?

"Her" son? Is that appropriate?

What do first parents want to hear?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 18:24:44 +0000

Part of our OA agreement was that we would send our son’s first mom letters twice a year with updates and pictures. When he was a baby this was much easier as he hit new milestones and grew there seemed to be so much to talk about.

But now that he is 7 everything sounds so repetative. I just re-read the letter I wrote last summer and it sound exactly like what I would write today: He’s in summer camp, did well at school, plays soccer, went to visit Grandma and Grandpa.

Any suggestions? What do first moms want to hear? Is the mundane and the repeated okay? I try to include funny stories or something exciting that he did, but it’s still hard.

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