My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road.  I’d love some feedback.

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For example, agreeing to post pictures, but then not doing that. I am currently frustrated because my requests for pictures mostly go unanswered and the other day my sons adoptive mom messaged me that she HAD posted pictures recently, this is not the case, obviously, either that or she has not realized that she likely made them private somehow.

This double talk has really bothered me from day one, where she will say something like ‘I will call you’ and then that call never happens, and when she gets a call from ME she gets all weird about it and everything, like it was something totally unexpected. I honestly think it is kind of her personality, because I can see on her profile(book of faces) that her friends are often asking for her to call them, etc.

I just do not understand why it is so difficult for her to do exactly as she promised, I did not ask for anything before she promised, but I am the kind of person, if you say something, I hold you to every single word you say. I would expect the same for me, I do exactly as I say I will do, and people are often surprised, this is annoying.

So… is it normal for an adoptive mom to make promises but then, somehow, forget that promises were made? I get that life is busy, but I really am losing my patients.

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We met with an agency that promoted open adoption and we all talked. the birthmom was going to be living abroad with missionary work and asked for pictures and updates 4 times a year and would like to visit once or twice. We were completely mislead about the BF but that comes later. She gave birth 7 days after we met and we had the baby 3 days after that. We thought we had this whole thing figured out. We knew what we would be willing to do and what we would not be willing to do. We had the baby before the parents gave consent. And when it was time for the consent every one vanished – We couldn’t find anyone for two months. The birthmom called and that was a horrible conversation – then the consent came. No one called us to tell us this happened – we found out from the agency when they got the paper work from the courts. Then the angry letters, phone calls, and emails start – and they come in from all directions – the BF parents, grand parents, the birthmom, her parents, the sister calls. We are not holding up our end of the deal. We are now supposed to be sending 4 pictures every other week, the birthmom should be able to come whenever she wants, and she wants the relationship that was coined as “the fridge privilege type”, when she shows up for visits, she is late and even if you ask her who is coming with you, she will say just her, and then show up with up to 5 people. We agreed to celebrate special days around the actual day – that has turned into us being horrible people, as she should be here every birthday for his entire life.

I have over 128 emails some up to 5 sets of correspondence on them in this first year. When she was getting married we were shameful that we didn’t drive 20 hours with a 8month old baby. We can do absolutely nothing right – that last email we got after her parents firing off emails, and her sister calling, was our birthmom talking about her son and her sacrifice – How on earth do I ever become his Mom when I cannot go for two weeks without having to respond to all of these people with why we have made a decision? This is open adoption? This is not even close to what we were told.

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I was contacted by the agency to set up a meeting regarding, what I thought was the openness. Turns out they were sitting me down to tell me that they had essentially decided that my son had a spectrum disorder that was entirely my fault. I questioned this diagnosis. I believe, had I not written one minor item in my health history, that they would have been led down a different path for his behavioral difficulties. Despite the fact that they have not followed proper protocol for getting this diagnosis, I have said nothing. I’ve since done my homework, and as I read more and more, I really truly believe they have made a mistake; a big one that will impact him for the rest of his life. I also realize that there is little I can do in this scenario, something that frustrates me, but I have accepted that the most I may be able to do is write a letter with my opinion.

At this same meeting, their adoption worker, strongly encouraged me to reconsider any further contact with them. Her words were, “At this age, the letters just end up being the same anyhow. They do the same things every year. Nothing new to report, really”. At the moment, all I get are pictures and a letter, once a year. I walked away from our meeting feeling like I was being told to walk away and disappear from the triad entirely. Something I was never prepared to do.

The adoptive family invited my family to attend a religious event for my son. I agreed to go; but once I agreed, the Adoptive Parents, who have told me they are open with my son regarding me and the adoption, told me that they would not introduce me as his birthmom, and they would not even use my name. I would simply be “Mommy’s friend”. Another situation that they said would never happen at any point. I bit my tongue, and I said okay. I just wanted a chance to see him, as I haven’t since he was 2.

I asked to bring a gift; I was told it would be fine, but that he would not get the gift that day, when everyone else would be giving him gifts. It would be opened separately, on it’s own, away from everyone else. That’s what essentially set me off to where I am now.

This, to me, is not open. This is not even a tad bit respectful to me in any way. I feel like I’m being forced out of the picture, that I’m not really wanted anymore.

How do I challenge this openness? Because nothing is in writing regarding our openness, especially now that we are past the original agreement, I feel like I am in a bad, bad place. I want to make it clear that I believe they should be getting further testing/diagnosis from a second opinion and that I believe that they owe him that simply because this will impact the quality of life he lives for the rest of his life. I also want to question the openness. I did not sign up for this sort of adoption- I truly don’t believe that they are being honest with him in terms of who I am, and where he came from, something I was adamant had to happen in order for the adoption to go forward. Furthermore, I feel that it’s not a huge stretch for me to think that I’m being completely disrespected here.

My question is- what do I do? I feel if I say nothing, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel if I say something, I could lose what little openness I have right now. I feel completely painted into a corner, with no means of climbing out. To say I feel helpless is a mild understatement.

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Christa’s mom initially had much the same idea. The plan started changing almost the second Christa was born & has evolved into an open adoption with periodic visits. The problem is that initially we didn’t include Kendra in these family visits, but since there is a half-sibling that Kendra’s age, and making other arrangements for Kendra was another level of complexity, it has become a whole family affair. It seems to be working.

The catch is that Kendra, a bright 3 year old, has started asking questions. Specifically “I’ve met Christa’s birthmom, why haven’t I met mine?” Luckily, she didn’t seem upset when she asked, but it did catch us of guard. It wasn’t even around a visit & seemed to come out of the blue. We told her maybe someday we can see her. While it is true, we extend invites to her her & they may meet when Kendra is an adult, it seems unlikely that she will meet her in the near future. We don’t want to stretch the truth and just want to do what is best for Kendra. How would others approach this?

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I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

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We know firstmom has a lot of turmoil in her life and since our daughter’s 1st bday she has been contacting us less and less (we all agreed she would be the one to make contact about visits because she has a tough time afterwards, but we always send our biannual or more updates and let her know we look forward to her contacting us). When fm does make contact she does not ask one single question about  our daughter, not how is she, is she walking/talking/ NOTHING. Her  name isn’t even mentioned in the emails (yeah, I admit that really bugs me-but I guess she isn’t the chatty kind) She never contacted us for the 2nd bday (no card even for our daughter), she blew us off with no thought for the visit she scheduled a few months later (I say blew us off because she wrote all over facebook (on her wide open to the world page) about going to a friend’s to party all night and having a hangover the day after she never showed). That ticked us off but we let it go because we figured she wasn’t ready to visit. Then she contacted us 2 days before she was moving out of state for college about visiting, but I had the flu and didn’t check email til it was too late. To be honest that contact felt like an afterthought especially since she had a count down til moving day on fb for 2 months. We also heard nothing from her at Christmas even after we sent our updates.
I guess what I am asking is does it sound like a 20+ page photobook with 100+ pics would be too overwhelming for someone who seems like they are trying to distance themselves from us? I know people are going to say we need to talk with her, but when I do send emails with questions I get really short responses that don’t answer anything and as much as we are sure she is interested she doesn’t act like it (hence never asking a single question, I swear, not one). Also would it be overwhelming for a fdad we have never heard from other than telling the agency our letters are near and dear to him?
I know there is not a defining line about sharing too much, but we don’t really have all that much contact as it is. Thoughts???

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