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Is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without my birthson in it?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:19:49 +0000

I am the birthmom to a 13 month old little boy who’s family lives out of state. I am wondering how to distance myself without creating problems? In the first few months and even up to the first year I think it was really important for me to receive photos and updates and be as involved as possible with his family. However, I am beginning to feel like I need to distance myself. I feel like I need to find my identity apart from the title “birthmom”. I want to be a part of his life but I feel like he shouldn’t be such an integral part of mine.

It is too hard when I meet new people and have to explain to them who this mystery child is in all my photos, and having this desire to talk about things that he is doing but having to tell the stories from a third person viewpoint, etc.

These feelings have been pushing their way out for awhile now and a perfect example is my emotional response to the last post about photo
updates. The comments about the girls who did not want their photos shared with their first family really shook me up. The thought that my son could grow up without the connection to me that I feel I have to him. It is a very real possibility that he could grow up and feel like I am a stranger (especially living out of state where we’ve only been able to have one visit). I feel like I need to protect my own heart now by lessening my attachment to him. I don’t know if that is even possible but I feel like if something were to happen right now (or ever) to where contact was cut off with him (without me having a decision in it) it would absolutely break me. And that scares me. The threat of potential rejection all over again makes me want to withdraw.

Would it be best to stick it out and let things unfold as they may, or is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without him in it? Is it even possible to make that separation mentally as a birthmom? Would it hurt him to know that I had to go for a time without contact with his family? Will his parents welcome openness when I decide I’m ready again? How long is too long, how much is too much? Ah, so many questions! Any advice? Sorry this is so jumbled. SO much to think about and consider.

How many photos should I send to my child’s birth mom?

Anonymous — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 12:49:49 +0000

We send photos 3-5 times/year (whenever she requests them through our agency, she receives them). We never discussed how many photos she wants and when I have asked her about what kind of photos she wants (just the baby, our whole family, a mix, etc.) she says, whatever you want. She is very quiet/timid and so asking her directly doesn’t ever get me a direct answer. I normally send 10-15 photos per package but this time I have so many great photos that I want to share with her (more than 30). Is this too much? Or just right? I know she wants to see photos b/c she asks for them but I also don’t want to send too many and risk rubbing salt into a wound that she doesn’t get to parent, etc. So wondering from the group, how many photos do you typically send (whether it’s annually, weekly, etc.). Would like to get an average even though I know every situation is different.

We found our daughter’s birthmom online, do we contact her?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 16:00:56 +0000

I adopted my daughter (I’ll call her Willow) as a newborn. We hoped for a fully open adoption, but so far, the birth mother hasn’t initiated any contact; we send updates to our agency for her, but she’s never accessed them. We only were given her first name, a photo and a booklet of information she filled out at the time of adoption. A few weeks later, our pediatrician’s office messed up and gave us her last name. I Googled her and found her immediately on Facebook, as well as other social networking sites. She also has a blog where she posts photos and personal information. Willow is now 2 and so far I’ve done nothing with this information except to download and save photos that her birthmom posts of herself, for Willow to see.

So–should I contact her? First, I can’t help but wonder if she either wants contact but is afraid we don’t anymore, or that she somehow isn’t aware that we’ve been sending updates to the agency that she can access (I’m not sure if her social worker told her this directly or if it was just recorded in the openness agreement that she may not have actually read). Second, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that we have her identifying information, can read her blog, etc. and she doesn’t know it or have our identifying information in return (which I’d be happy to give her) and part of me feels I should give her the heads-up. Third, I worry she may take her personal info offline one day and feel the urge to contact her now, before the window of opportunity potentially closes. But what if that just freaks her out and makes her even less interested in openness? I don’t want to invade her privacy and I respect that she very well not want to have any openness at this time. There are several details about the adoption that give me reason to wonder if she’s maybe just not ready to deal with any of it yet. I can’t make up my mind about what the most ethical thing to do is in this situation, and how to act in my daughter’s best interest while also respecting her birth mother.

My son’s parents stopped sending letters. How do I find them and reopen the adoption?

Anonymous — Thu, 19 May 2011 12:45:39 +0000

i gave my son up for an open adoption and its been 3yrs sence I’ve recieved any photos or letters on my son. I’m desperate to find his adopted parents so we can restart sending me photos and misc. on him. how do i go about getting information on this case

How does someone tell an adopted child that their birth name was different?

Anonymous — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:34:00 +0000

I’m asking this for a friend. (Really! I am!)

She and her husband are in a somewhat open adoption with her infant daughter’s birth mother. (Birth mother originally stated she did not want any contact at all and has now requested some photos and letters.) As part of the developing openness, she discovered what her daughter’s original name on her original birth certificate was. Her birth mother named her “Pandora.” Gave her that name because she felt as if her daughter’s birth was so horrible and terrible that the name “Pandora” was the best way to express that.

Right now she is relieved that her daughter was born in a state with sealed birth records. I pointed out to her that birth record laws are being changed and her daughter may be able to get her original birth certificate when she is 18 years old. And that she may want to figure out how to handle this well before then.

Any suggestions for how to explain this to your adopted child and at
what age you should start?

Do we send photos although she hasn’t requested them or not?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 12:30:23 +0000

My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost a year ago. Before our son’s birth, we all agreed that we wanted to maintain some form of openness but what that would look like was never discussed (we went through a private attorney so the support was not there). Since our son’s birth, we have visited with our son’s birth mom on three occassions (all at her request and two were in the first month post-placement), and we also have sent photos once (through the lawyer) also at her
request. For a variety of reasons, although we sometimes (maybe every two months) communicate directly through email and plan visits this way, we have decided it is best that she request photos directly through the lawyer.

The last time she requested photos was in September. We have seen her once since then and I reminded her that I have lots of holiday photos and that all she needs to do is ask the lawyer for them and I’ll send them to her. In several email exchanges, she has mentioned in passing that the next day she is going to call the lawyer for photos but it never happens.

As mother’s day/our son’s first birthday approaches, I would like to do something nice to honor her and let her know we think of her often. I was thinking of sending her a nice letter and maybe a photo gift with our son’s picture on it. That being said, I understand it might be painful for her to receive photos/updates and that may be the reason she has never actually called the lawyer to request more photos. We have always said we would take our cue from her (and that if she wants visits, photos, etc., she just needs to ask). So I don’t want to send something if she is not ready to receive it but I also don’t want her to think that we have forgotten about her during this special time of year. Advice from birth moms and adoptive parent’s would be appreciated. As an additional note, our she is very young and not very open about her feelings (there was never a tear at the hospital and I was with her the entire time from birth to placement).

I am jealous of my son’s birth mom, how do I navigate this?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 18:20:13 +0000

I am struggling with my feelings as an adoptive mom and would appreciate advice and support. My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost one year ago. I care about and like our son’s birth mom and I want to maintain a relationship with her. We have had visits with her 3 times since his birth. But I can’t help but feel jealous about having to share him with another mom, and ashamed and petty for feeling that way. She has been nothing but appropriate and well adjusted about the
whole situation, and I know I am the luckiest person in this arrangement. I get to be my son’s mom full time, but I guess I feel anxious about if he sees me as his mom and will continue to feel I am his mom as he grows up. I will do what is best for him despite my feelings, which means I will continue to forge a relationship with his birth mom and continue facilitating visits between the two of them. But I just don’t feel great about all of this the way other adoptive moms in open adoptions seem to. I don’t even know exactly how to articulate what I am feeling, but I think this fear of my son eventually seeing me as not really his mom could effect my bond with him. I think I might be holding back because I am afraid of being hurt. On the other hand, I love him so much and want to be with him all the time. I am going part time soon because I HATE leaving him with a babysitter. So far we have agreed to 4 visits a year and monthly photos and letters. Our birth mom contacts the adoption agency to arrange visits when she wants them, and I mail the photos and letters through the agency. Now we are wondering if we should just communicate directly with birth mom, but I am hesitant due to my anxiety about the unknown future. How do I navigate all of this?

I am worried my sons aparents are not honoring our openness contract — what do I do?

Anonymous — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 12:43:30 +0000

There was some struggle when we wrote it as to how often they should send updates and photos(I wanted them more often, they wanted to send them less often) and I haven’t yet recieved the update for last month. I realize that they are busy and there could be a thousand reasons for them not sending it yet (it usually comes around the 25th of the month) but my concern is that they are just going to do it the way they wanted to rather than what we agreed on. Am I being paranoid and ridiculous? Is it possible there was a breakdown in communication and they are under the impression the agreement was what they wanted it to be? If so how do I approach the situation – do I ask for more frequent updates or do I just accept it as is?

They closed the adoption but I’m reaching out. What do I say? How do I cope?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 10:57:17 +0000

When I was 16, I got pregnant.

I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

What about gifts from the adoptive family?

Anonymous — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 16:32:01 +0000

I’m not sure this is really the ‘right’ kind of question, but there is such an interesting range of advice and ideas here I hope I can ask it anyway! What are people’s thoughts on gifts (from my perspective that’s from the adoptive family to DS’s birth mom). I’ve been sending photo books for special occasions and I feel like it’s getting a bit old. Plus I send prints of the best photos during the year anyway, so there’s rarely anything new. Does anyone have ideas of other gifts? I don’t know his bmom well enough to think of more original ideas that she’d like. Thanks for your advice