Open Adoption Support » phone calls

The relationship with our son’s birthfather’s family is one-sided. Is there anything we can do?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:52:52 +0000

We have an open adoption with both of our son’s birthparents and their extended families. We have a great relationship with his birthmother and her family and manage to arrange regular visits even though we live about 5 hours away. Our son’s birthfather and his family also live in the same area. Our son’s birthfather did not include his parents in his decision to place, and when they found out (after the fact), they were not initially and then only grudgingly supportive of the choice. Despite the rough beginning, they reached out to us and we gladly responded to include them in a fully open relationship including visits. Our initial visits were awkward and also promising; however, over the years, our son’s birthfather and his parents seem to respond to us less and less. Scheduling visits is almost impossible now – we generally don’t get a response to calls, emails or texts. When we do, it tends to be very last minute (12 hours before the planned date). Even if we plan months ahead, they seem [unwilling/unable] to request time off from their work schedules or notify us of their schedules so we can work around it. When we do manage to connect, they are always very quiet, and do not engage us at all. We try to talk about our son and his development, or ask questions about their life and what their kids are doing, but we barely get any response. In fact, if we don’t make an attempt to talk with them, they just sit and talk to each other and ignore us completely. In addition to missed visits, our son’s birthfather and his parents no longer answer our phone calls (even on holidays) and don’t view the online sharing sites that we update.

They obviously love their grandson as they have met us for a few visits and buy gifts for our son’s birthday/Christmas. But their lack of response to any contact from us and their refusal to make room in their schedule to see us or help plan visits makes it seem to us like the contact is sometimes too much or too hard for them. Because they do not answer the phone we are not sure how to have a conversation about the situation (we only see them at visits right now) and we are afraid they will retreat further if we push too hard.

We have sent letters indicating that the relationship is important to us and to our son and that we value them – they are Grandma and Grandpa to our son after all. Is there anything else we can do? Just thought I’d ask and see how any of you would handle this.

How on earth do I ever become his Mom when I cannot get space away from his angry birth family?

Anonymous — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:33:11 +0000

A little over a year ago my husband and I received a phone call from an acquaintance asking us if we knew anyone who would adopt her sisters baby. We said we would. We knew the family a little, members of our family knew their family much better. We had been married for 17 years and never had children and were at peace with our lives. This child needed a home so we said yes.

We met with an agency that promoted open adoption and we all talked. the birthmom was going to be living abroad with missionary work and asked for pictures and updates 4 times a year and would like to visit once or twice. We were completely mislead about the BF but that comes later. She gave birth 7 days after we met and we had the baby 3 days after that. We thought we had this whole thing figured out. We knew what we would be willing to do and what we would not be willing to do. We had the baby before the parents gave consent. And when it was time for the consent every one vanished – We couldn’t find anyone for two months. The birthmom called and that was a horrible conversation – then the consent came. No one called us to tell us this happened – we found out from the agency when they got the paper work from the courts. Then the angry letters, phone calls, and emails start – and they come in from all directions – the BF parents, grand parents, the birthmom, her parents, the sister calls. We are not holding up our end of the deal. We are now supposed to be sending 4 pictures every other week, the birthmom should be able to come whenever she wants, and she wants the relationship that was coined as “the fridge privilege type”, when she shows up for visits, she is late and even if you ask her who is coming with you, she will say just her, and then show up with up to 5 people. We agreed to celebrate special days around the actual day – that has turned into us being horrible people, as she should be here every birthday for his entire life.

I have over 128 emails some up to 5 sets of correspondence on them in this first year. When she was getting married we were shameful that we didn’t drive 20 hours with a 8month old baby. We can do absolutely nothing right – that last email we got after her parents firing off emails, and her sister calling, was our birthmom talking about her son and her sacrifice – How on earth do I ever become his Mom when I cannot go for two weeks without having to respond to all of these people with why we have made a decision? This is open adoption? This is not even close to what we were told.

Is our adoption too open?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:47:20 +0000

My husband and I adopted a sibling group of 4 children from foster care about 3 years ago. We have contact with b-mom as well as some extended family members by phone and a visit about once a year. (Visits were more frequent in the beginning, but we had to move to the other side of the country 2 years ago due to dh’s job.)

Extended family member contact is on a regular basis, but b-mom is sporadic. She will call on a weekly for a few months, and then we don’t hear anything for a few months. It is almost impossible to reach her since she moves every 2-3 months and constantly changing phone numbers. She does have a facebook page, does not check it regularly, but this has been the easiest way to give her pics of the kids.

During times of contact, my 2 oldest children, ages 7 & 8 start acting out. So far we have been able to handle this, but the acting out is escalating, and with the most recent burst of contact my 8yo engaged in a behavior that could have been life-threatening or caused grave bodily injury. We were able to stop the behavior as soon as we realized what was going on, but are worried about what will happen as she gets older. (She is in counseling.)

But b-mom recently found out that I grounded my 8yo and reacted very badly. She told my 8yo that I was being unreasonable by punishing her. I took the phone from 8yo, and said to b-mom (very calmly) that this is the type of parenting issue that she can not be involved in if this relationship is going to work. And then she hung up on me. (We’ve had similar issues in the past where she disagrees with a decision we’ve made and tells the children that she thinks we are wrong or unfair. I have tried to set up clear boundaries with her, but she has continued to cross those boundaries whenever she doesn’t agree with us.)

She then posted on facebook (where I am her “friend” and can see her status updates) that she made a mistake allowing her kids to be adopted, that their a-mom is a lying, fake, emotionless bitch that is screwing up her kids, and that she will always be their mother and a stupid piece of paper can’t change that. I then hid all of her status updates from my newsfeed and changed my privacy settings so that she can’t see my status updates anymore. (I could have deleted and blocked her, but it’s hard to send pics to her any other way.) I hear about other open adoptions and I’m envious because ours is so hard on me, the kids, and probably b-mom too. I can get along with just about anyone, but am having a really hard time with her.

I’m thinking about not allowing phone calls anymore, or at least for the foreseeable future, and asking that she only contact the kids by writing letters. But I know that if I do this, she will probably just disappear because except when she’s been in jail, she’s never sent the kids letters even when she’s promised them she would.

I have put up with more from b-mom than I ever have from anyone else in my life. I do not allow people that treat me like this to stay in my life. I want to do what is best for the children, but I’m not sure what that is anymore.

How do I go about opening a closed adoption?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 14:23:43 +0000

My son, who is 2, was placed with us as a newborn in a closed adoption. We had wanted a fully open adoption, but his birthmom did not. Over these 2 years, we have sent letters and photos once a month. Initially these were held by the agency, but then the birthmom contacted them and asked for the letters. At 1 year, she sent us a brief letter. In the past year, we had heard nothing from her, but continued to send monthly updates.

Then, much to our surprise, she sent us some photos and her phone number! I exchanged several text messages with her and then talked on the phone with her for about 15 minutes. It was very, very, VERY exciting although also a bit awkward — she’s one of the most important people in our lives and yet we had never seen or spoken to her before. At the end of the call, she said to “call or text anytime.”

I really, really want to grow this new relationship with her, but I don’t know how. I don’t want to come on too strong but I don’t want to be too reserved. Anyone BTDT? Ideas or suggestions?