Open Adoption Support » grief

How do you continue in an open adoption relationship when the birthmother is clearly regretting placing her child?

Anonymous — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 14:32:11 +0000

How do you continue in an open adoption relationship when the birthmother is clearly regretting placing her child? We thought we had a great relationship (we adopted about 4 months ago) but recently we are getting emails about wanting the baby back when the time has long passed for that. We feel bad, but there is nothing we can do. We had assured her before placement we would be fine if she decided to parent and were 100% supportive either way. How do we help her?

How do we forgive and heal our hearts so that we can be open to openness with him again one day?

Anonymous — Fri, 13 May 2011 17:35:20 +0000

Our story has become so complicated that I’m not even sure where to start. We are adoptive parents who were weeks away from finalization (our son has been with us since May 2010) when our son’s birth father decided to contest. For the past year, our son’s birth father has stated repeatedly that he did not wish to interfere with the adoption.

He asked for a visit last month, which we had viewed as a positive thing since we had always wanted an open relationship (and have a very good one with our son’s maternal family). After about 30 minutes at the meeting our son’s birth father announced that he had been speaking with a lawyer and had decided he wanted his son. (Don’t bother protesting based on legalities, our situation is very unique but I can’t reveal more on that front due to confidentiality reasons. He had grounds to contest, but not due to anything that we had any part in. It was a consent adoption through the public system.)

Our world obviously crumbled right there and then. We went home, retained a lawyer and made plans to sell our home so that we could fund a protracted legal battle. A month later, it seems that our son’s birth father had never actually had a lawyer and either lost interest, realized his lifestyle wouldn’t allow him to raise a son … or who knows … The finalization is now again on track, but he has requested another visit.

Our lawyer would prefer we do not allow the visit. Our son’s social worker says we have to (though his office’s lawyer has now said we do not) … our psychologist (who we began seeing to deal with the grief and potential future loss of our son) does not think we should go ahead with the meeting … nor does he think that our son would benefit from a relationship with his birth father now or in the future.

We have always been pro openness and have a truly wonderful relationship with our son’s maternal bio family. They are part of our family and are included in family gatherings etc. We feel we need some distance from our son’s birth father right now, but are trying to find a way to let go of the trauma associated with
the last visit so that we can one day try again for some openness. I guess I don’t know if I have a real question … except maybe for “how do we forgive and heal our hearts so that we can be open to openness with him again one day.”

Thank you for your responses.

Should we push our son’s bmom to visit?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:06:07 +0000

Visits: We have an open adoption but have never had a visit. I think it took a while for DS’s bmom to know that we weren’t going to take him and run, plus getting over PND, grief etc. She has mentioned maybe having a visit when he’s at school age. It sounds like she’s afraid that she’ll upset him with her strong emotions (we’ll deal with it) and maybe just that it’ll make things hard for her again (can’t help with that). I feel sad that she’s completely missing out on seeing him all that time. I’m kind of torn on how much to remind her about it and how much to back off and wait. Any advice or suggestions?

How do I deal with how much this hurts?

Anonymous — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 09:12:07 +0000

I have a little boy 17 months old and I also just gave four days ago to a beautiful baby boy who I have
given up for adoption to a wonderful family and the adoption is open and we are like family now as well. We talk everyday and though we are out of the hospital I went for our first visit today and it was ok. I’m having a hard time with moving on. I know everyone says that but I don’t want to go see a counselor, I am so sick of people saying it will be ok when they don’t know. It’s as if part of me had died. I know I am so very lucky that I have two healthy beautiful children and that I chose such an amazing family. I did what was best for him and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect match. But there is still that hurt. I made someone’s dream come true and I gave them the ultimate gift but I’m having a really hard time. I’m currently going to college online and I take care of my little boy but I could use some…advice or encouragement or something. I know it’s a great thing I did but that doesn’t make it easy. I have a little boy that needs me and I just feel like crawling in bed forever. I know it’s still new and it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. In about a week and a half the family will be taking him home to another country and I know that will be the
ultimate hurt. I will only see him if they ever visit the states or if I ever visit them. She’s very open and loves me as much as I love her and says my son has two mommies and she’s open to as much contact as I want which is amazing I know but, I still have this hurt. I don’t know how, but can you offer anything? Any places to go like chatrooms or books to read or some hobby I should take up, should I run out and try to get a job right away? I’m open to your suggestions and I’m hoping I don’t need any medication. LOL.

Grieving as a grandmother, where can I find help?

Anonymous — Sat, 02 May 2009 14:22:23 +0000

My daughter just released her son for adoption yesterday. I am so worried that she was misled by the agency and will have serious regrets. I know I do, but I am trying hard to support her. Where can I find the help that she and I both need?

my daughter birthmom is having serious grief issues, but I don't know how much I can help?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 01:21:52 +0000

hello our daughter will be 5 soon, and her birth aunt (sister of birthmom) emailed me today telling me that J. is having a really hard time about reliquishment and thought I would want toknow. J. has had a really chaoitic life, with a history of abuse, and I often wondered how much she had actually let herself grieve. The trouble is, I don’t feel that I can necessarily handle hearing all of her talk about regrets,,I am not sure that is such a great thing in the long term for this relationship. I have emailed her to let her know I care, but I don’t want to open up certain topics that pertain to her decision that we cant help her with…so hard.

Should I expect my adopted child to grieve his adoption?

Anonymous — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:42:55 +0000

Hi, I am new to this, but I have had a nagging question after reading a lot of information on the internet about adult adoptees and their experiences. My adopted child is still just a baby and we have an open adoption, so I’m wondering…what should I expect to deal with as he grows and realizes he is adopted? Do most children/adult adoptees grieve the loss of something/someone they don’t really know? I’m having a hard time understanding why they would grieve when all they love and know is being provided for them in their adopted home. Thanks!!

Openness and "primal wound"?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:40:04 +0000

Does ’open adoption’ solve the problem of the so-called ’primal wound’? No related posts. No related posts.