Open Adoption Support » grandparents

The relationship with our son’s birthfather’s family is one-sided. Is there anything we can do?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:52:52 +0000

We have an open adoption with both of our son’s birthparents and their extended families. We have a great relationship with his birthmother and her family and manage to arrange regular visits even though we live about 5 hours away. Our son’s birthfather and his family also live in the same area. Our son’s birthfather did not include his parents in his decision to place, and when they found out (after the fact), they were not initially and then only grudgingly supportive of the choice. Despite the rough beginning, they reached out to us and we gladly responded to include them in a fully open relationship including visits. Our initial visits were awkward and also promising; however, over the years, our son’s birthfather and his parents seem to respond to us less and less. Scheduling visits is almost impossible now – we generally don’t get a response to calls, emails or texts. When we do, it tends to be very last minute (12 hours before the planned date). Even if we plan months ahead, they seem [unwilling/unable] to request time off from their work schedules or notify us of their schedules so we can work around it. When we do manage to connect, they are always very quiet, and do not engage us at all. We try to talk about our son and his development, or ask questions about their life and what their kids are doing, but we barely get any response. In fact, if we don’t make an attempt to talk with them, they just sit and talk to each other and ignore us completely. In addition to missed visits, our son’s birthfather and his parents no longer answer our phone calls (even on holidays) and don’t view the online sharing sites that we update.

They obviously love their grandson as they have met us for a few visits and buy gifts for our son’s birthday/Christmas. But their lack of response to any contact from us and their refusal to make room in their schedule to see us or help plan visits makes it seem to us like the contact is sometimes too much or too hard for them. Because they do not answer the phone we are not sure how to have a conversation about the situation (we only see them at visits right now) and we are afraid they will retreat further if we push too hard.

We have sent letters indicating that the relationship is important to us and to our son and that we value them – they are Grandma and Grandpa to our son after all. Is there anything else we can do? Just thought I’d ask and see how any of you would handle this.

Our child’s bio sibling had a baby. How do we figure this out?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:08:54 +0000

We just learned that an older bio-brother (T) of our two adopted boys had a baby. T was adopted by a different family, and we all lost touch with him for a few years but just regained contact. The relationship with him “feels” like a nephew to us parents but of course they are brothers and call themselves that. So now our sons figure they are suddenly uncles at ages 15 and 14. Us parents can’t quite figure out whether to call ourselves grandparents or step-grandparents or great-uncle/aunt. Any advice from others in a similar situation appreciated. And in the meantime we’ll try actually asking T himself, we’re going to meet him and his new proto-family tomorrow!

How and when do I tell my child that she has a younger brother that was given up by her parents for an open adoption?

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 13:30:26 +0000

How and when do I tell my granddaughter whom I am raising that she has a younger brother that was given up by her parents for an open adoption? The situation is complicated by the fact that her birth parents abandoned her with her grandparents. She is a preschooler now. The adoptive family generously (almost monthly) sends pictures of her younger sibling, but I don’t know how or when I should share with her that she has a little brother that lives with a new family. We do not have much contact with the adoptive family, only the pictures and an occasional phone call.

No related posts.

I don’t feel ready for contact with the extended family. How do I handle this?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 May 2011 17:59:40 +0000

We have an open adoption with son’s BMom and see her 2-3 times per year. The birth grandparents recently asked for a visit (we have not seen them since the birth – 2 years – and I’m not sure how to respond). They are nice people but not good with boundaries (i.e. names and titles) and I’m not sure we are comfortable with opening our lives to an entire second family. The BMom is one thing but I don’t feel comfortable dealing with all of the other relatives. So I have three questions:

1. Convince me I am wrong and we should have some contact with birth grandparents.

2. Convince me I am okay wanting to limit contact to the actual birth parents and not their extended families at this point in time.

3. Either way, is there a nice way to say NO without cutting off the possibility for openness down the line?

All suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I want to be nice but I feel in my gut that for my child and our family, we should not be opening our lives to the extended family right now.

Do I just stay quiet and live with the hurt? Where do I go from here?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:30:52 +0000

I am a “birth” grandmother and am feeling hurt by some of the things that are said and done by the adoptive family of my granddaughter. My daughter does not say much at all so I don’t always know how she is feeling. I did try at one point to reach out to the adoptive parents about some of the things that I (and my daughter) were feeling and they reacted in an extremely defensive manner and I ended up apologizing to them because I did not want to take the chance that they would cut us off completely from seeing my granddaughter. This has not been easy and I know that the adoptive parents feel hurt too. The “professionals” have said that the lines of communication need to be and stay open between the families but I don’t feel this is the case in our situation. So, do I just stay quiet and live with the hurt? Where do I go from here? I do not have a support system but I continue to pray about it.

How do I handle disrespect from my son’s birth mom’s mom?

Anonymous — Fri, 06 May 2011 10:55:39 +0000

I’m stressed to the max… Tomorrow is our first meeting in person with my son’s Bmom and I’m scared and kinda freaking out…

I mean No disrespect but My son’s Bmom and her Family are all messed up big time… I wish she was like other Bmom’s on here today she called me and Ask us if her mom could come with her to see my son…she has never been respectful to us always bad mouthing us for taking her Grandson… My son is almost 2yrs old and I know he is to little to understand what she says but it hurts us…. I have till in the morning to tell her if her mom can come and I don’t know what to say….

We feel if we say NO things with her will get worst(she Lives in the town over) and if we say Yes…. she will be mean and disrepectful…..

Not sure what to do….. pls help

Should I tell my child’s paternal grandparents about the adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:03:03 +0000

I placed my son for adoption 8 months ago and his birthfather made it clear from the get go he was not interested in anything to do with his child. After our son was born I sent him a letter with some pictures and he flipped over them and called my lawyer to try and get me in trouble. He never told any of his family that I was pregnant and I did not tell them because I didn’t want them to think they could try to interfere with the adoption. Now that the adoption has been finalized for awhile and I know he is safe and secure I feel like they have a right to know they have a grandson out there. It has been a source of conflict for me all along. A few weeks ago I came across his mother’s facebook profile (she commented on a photo of a mutual friend and as soon as I saw her name I knew who she was). I desperately want to send her a message and just lay it all out there but I am really scared, given his reaction to the pictures. I know that he would be very angry with me but this is not about him. It is about my son and the right to one day seek out his grandparents. They deserve to know about each other even if it doesn’t go anywhere. If there is any chance at all that they would want to know him and have a relationship with him I would not want to be involved in keeping that from him if I could have done something about it. If they don’t then he will be no worse off than he was to begin with. Any thoughts? To message the paternal grandmother or not?

How do I talk to my son about differences in contact with different birth family members?

Anonymous — Thu, 20 Jan 2011 20:10:15 +0000

My husband and I have an open adoption with our son’s birthparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other extended family members. We visit with our son’s birthmom and her family in-person around 5-6 times a year and chat by phone, text, email or Facebook in between. We also share a blog and photo site weekly. We have in-person visits with our son’s birthdad and his family as well but we have only managed 2-3 visits a year. All the family members live in the same town (just a few hours away from us) and we always offer to visit both, but sometimes our son’s birthdad or his parents will decline (usually based on schedule). We do share the blog and photo site with them (and I know they check it) but they rarely answer a phone call, text or email. We understand that each family or family member might be interested in a different level of contact and we are happy to provide contact at their comfort level. I am, however, concerned on how to address this issue with our son as time goes by. As he gets older, I worry that our son will notice the difference in contact and have difficult questions. Any suggestions on how you manage different levels/types of contact with birth family? Any suggestions on how to discuss with our son?

How can we see more of our son’s birthmom without her parents?

Anonymous — Sun, 09 Jan 2011 14:29:49 +0000

We have an open adoption with our oldest son’s birth family and always have. We get together with his birth mom, birth dad, uncles, grandparents, and great grandma twice a year and have open communication throughout the year as well. We really love seeing everyone and having our son get to know his birth family. However, we feel like we do not spend enough time with just his birth parents and are unsure of how to go about asking to only visit with her once and awhile. The reason we do see everyone is because when our son was born, his mom was only 14 so it only made since. Now she is 19 and we feel like we hardly know her because there are all of these other people around. Her parents can be very overwhelming and have a strong personality so I’m not sure how to approach the topic. Thank you for any advice you may have.

How much contact is best for a child adopted at ten?

Anonymous — Mon, 18 Oct 2010 18:04:50 +0000

This child has recently been adopted by my nephew and his wife. How much contact is generally best for a child adopted at this age with his birth parent and birth grandparents? The adopting family wants what is best for the emotional health of the child, who at this point, certainly does miss his mother and natural grandparents,