Open Adoption Support » first fathers

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:00:50 +0000

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird? FYI, the first father and I visit together and have had all the same contact from the very beginning. When he became married, his wife came with him to the visits. So she had brought her children(2y and 1y) to the visits as well, three times now she has been at visits with the first father and myself. Just telling you so you know that I don’t just randomly care about kids I have never met.

I care about her too, the first fathers wife, as a person, really I do! Is this unhealthy and wrong? Recently I have had a issue with her, she blocked me from her commenting on her online videos that she has available to the whole world, but now, not me.

As adoptive parents, do you value the gifts/contact/etc of a first mom more than a first dad? Or any other first family?

Anonymous — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 00:07:46 +0000

I know that the focus on openness in adoption usually is focused on the first mom, but I want to know this: As adoptive parents, do you value the gifts/contact/etc of a first mom more than a first dad? Or any other first family?

Personally, I, as a first mom, want my contact, my gifts, etc to have a better effect than my sons first fathers, I know that is not fair, and we currently have equal contact. With gift giving season coming up always feel this silent drive to have a more enjoyed gift to give to my son than his first father. Often, it has happened, at least as reported by his adoptive mom and by my son himself, both of whom seem to forget whom certain gifts came from, so I know that the praise is sincere.

Second question: Is it wrong that I like that I get praise for gifts that the first father does not? I mean, they thank him too, but not in the way they compliment my gift choices.

Can anyone of you tell me if the idea of involvement with extended first families made YOU 'uncomfortable'?

Anonymous — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 05:56:26 +0000

Recently I have been having a bit of communication with my son’s first father and my sons adoptive mom. We were discussing how to arrange a visit.

Whenever my sons adoptive mom messages me (which is really rare) I kind of go all out with presenting ideas on things like where a visit should be, etc. Most of the time my ideas are not considered doable.

Now, since this messaging was done including my sons first father he decided to chime in about something I asked about.
That thing was the possiblity of them (my sons adoptive family) meeting some of my family members.

They come to my city to visit some of their own relatives and it just so happens that most of MY immediate family live close to me as well. For years I have casually asked if my son could meet his cousins (who are close in age to him) and never really gotten a response.

The fact that my son first father chimed in with suggestions of my son meeting HIS family is something that very obviously overwhelmed my sons adoptive mom because she said so in a message I got today. She said she was ‘not comfortable’ meeting any of either mine or my sons first father family.

Now, personally, it really hurts my feelings that she doesn’t want to do this because she, herself, is ‘not comfortable’ with it. It confuses me because I wish she would see the possible benefit that it could bring to my son to see some of his first family relatives. All of these relatives (mine and my sons first father) I assure you are normal, average people.

I just feel like she doesn’t see my family or even my son’s first family as anything important enough to risk being ‘uncomfortable’.

What I really want to know from any of you that are willing to say.

When you as adoptive parents choose ‘open adoption’ did you expect that you would only have to interact with first parents, or did you have thoughts about possibly interacting with their families as well?

Now, I am willing to be as involved as my sons adoptive parents will let me. I think their reasons for not wanting to visit my family or even my sons first fathers family is more because of their second child who was born to them. I’m just guessing though, I don’t really know.

So, really, can anyone of you tell me if the idea of involvement with extended first families made YOU ‘uncomfortable’?

I lied about the birth father. How do I tell the truth now?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 14:08:18 +0000

When placing my daughter for adoption I lied and stated the birth father was a one night stand and I didn’t know him. Truthfully he’s a drug dealer and had made threats against both me and the baby while I was pregnant. Involving him terrifies me. I know he has rights but I truly did what I felt was best for our daughter. I feel horrible lying to the adoptive family and would really like to tell them the truth one day, but I’m not sure how. I’m scared that they will hate me and close the adoption. Any advice?

Why don't first fathers get the same consideration as first moms?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 23:48:10 +0000

Why don’t first FATHERS get the same consideration as first moms. I know in some situations it doesn’t work out. I can’t help but wonder if people want to ’write off’ a first father before he gets a chance to prove he cares.

Do adoptive moms ever regret parenting?