Open Adoption Support » facebook

How do I respectfully open a discussion about handling posting of pictures?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:42:16 +0000

We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.

My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.

We found our daughter’s birthmom online, do we contact her?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 16:00:56 +0000

I adopted my daughter (I’ll call her Willow) as a newborn. We hoped for a fully open adoption, but so far, the birth mother hasn’t initiated any contact; we send updates to our agency for her, but she’s never accessed them. We only were given her first name, a photo and a booklet of information she filled out at the time of adoption. A few weeks later, our pediatrician’s office messed up and gave us her last name. I Googled her and found her immediately on Facebook, as well as other social networking sites. She also has a blog where she posts photos and personal information. Willow is now 2 and so far I’ve done nothing with this information except to download and save photos that her birthmom posts of herself, for Willow to see.

So–should I contact her? First, I can’t help but wonder if she either wants contact but is afraid we don’t anymore, or that she somehow isn’t aware that we’ve been sending updates to the agency that she can access (I’m not sure if her social worker told her this directly or if it was just recorded in the openness agreement that she may not have actually read). Second, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that we have her identifying information, can read her blog, etc. and she doesn’t know it or have our identifying information in return (which I’d be happy to give her) and part of me feels I should give her the heads-up. Third, I worry she may take her personal info offline one day and feel the urge to contact her now, before the window of opportunity potentially closes. But what if that just freaks her out and makes her even less interested in openness? I don’t want to invade her privacy and I respect that she very well not want to have any openness at this time. There are several details about the adoption that give me reason to wonder if she’s maybe just not ready to deal with any of it yet. I can’t make up my mind about what the most ethical thing to do is in this situation, and how to act in my daughter’s best interest while also respecting her birth mother.

Has anyone had to deal with a child using the internet to reach out to first family members?

Anonymous — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 12:31:40 +0000

You hear a lot of stories in the news about adult adoptees finding their first families through social media sites like facebook. The internet has opened up a whole new world, one I wish I had had access to when I was searching.

But has anyone had to deal with a child using the internet/facebook to reach out to first family members on their own? We started out in an open adoption with my son’s first family. We were there for his birth, we have names, addresses, email and have had sporadic contact over the last 9 years, but my son has never met his mother or either of his siblings that she is parenting.

Both his mother and older brother have facebook accounts, though we are not “friends” with them. While my son does not yet have his own account, it’s really only a matter of time before he googles them, emails them, reaches out on facebook. Do we try to prevent him from doing this? Do we let him and let the cards fall where they may?

The main issue is that his mother has never told his siblings about the baby she placed for adoption. I can’t imagine how a 12 year old would react to getting a message on facebook that says “Hey, I’m your brother, don’t we look alike?” My son knows that his siblings don’t know about him, but if he’s anything like I was as a young adoptee, he is likely to not care and just want to make contact.

Do I say I know she is lying? Or do I decline to send her money and leave it at that?

Anonymous — Thu, 12 May 2011 17:26:45 +0000

Yesterday I received a call from my children’s birth mother. She immediately launched into a complicated story about how she desperately needs money or she will be evicted from her apartment and will be living on the street. She was obviously under the influence of either drugs and/or alcohol. Her story was full of inconsistencies and it was obvious she was lying. After I declined to send her any money, she abruptly hung up. She did not even ask how the children were which made me so sad.

Today she posted photos on Facebook of a brand new tattoo and new hair style & dye job. She must have found someone else who gave her the money.

This happens pretty consistently. In fact, the only time we ever hear from her is when she wants money. (We have never given her money.) We are in contact with her extended family, who have ended all contact with her because of some very hurtful behavior which I won’t detail here.

Her mother has actually urged me to stop all contact with her because she is afraid her daughter might somehow harm the children. She has done very hurtful things to her older children, who live with their grandmother. I have not cut off contact because I do not feel she could do anything to our children and she has no direct contact with them. At this stage we have no plans to meet in person. Her life is far too chaotic and she is participating in a number of illegal activities. But I want to leave the door open in case she does change her behavior in the future. We do not have any contact with her outside of the requests for money every few months.

Here is my question — when she calls with these stories, do I call her on her behavior and say I know she is lying? Or do I just do as I have done all along by declining to send her money and leaving it at that?

Do I do enough to maintain contact with my son’s adoptive parents?

Anonymous — Wed, 04 May 2011 22:34:11 +0000

I know every open adoption is different but I have a question that has as many answers…

I prefer adoptive moms to answer this question though and you will see why…

I have contact w/ the adoptive parents. I can call, e-mail, snail mail, Facebook & have visits a few times a year. I don’t call at all & I was wondering if my communication style (a few random cards sent in the mail, Facebook postings & a few emails during the year are enough to keep what we consider our adoption “open”. I don’t see the need right now to call because the child will be 4 this fall & not at the age to carry a real conversation.. Do I sound ungrateful for all of the contact I have (because I don’t utilize it ?) I want to keep in touch but I want to make sure I don’t become a bother……

Should I tell my child’s paternal grandparents about the adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:03:03 +0000

I placed my son for adoption 8 months ago and his birthfather made it clear from the get go he was not interested in anything to do with his child. After our son was born I sent him a letter with some pictures and he flipped over them and called my lawyer to try and get me in trouble. He never told any of his family that I was pregnant and I did not tell them because I didn’t want them to think they could try to interfere with the adoption. Now that the adoption has been finalized for awhile and I know he is safe and secure I feel like they have a right to know they have a grandson out there. It has been a source of conflict for me all along. A few weeks ago I came across his mother’s facebook profile (she commented on a photo of a mutual friend and as soon as I saw her name I knew who she was). I desperately want to send her a message and just lay it all out there but I am really scared, given his reaction to the pictures. I know that he would be very angry with me but this is not about him. It is about my son and the right to one day seek out his grandparents. They deserve to know about each other even if it doesn’t go anywhere. If there is any chance at all that they would want to know him and have a relationship with him I would not want to be involved in keeping that from him if I could have done something about it. If they don’t then he will be no worse off than he was to begin with. Any thoughts? To message the paternal grandmother or not?

My child’s mother just posted a suicide note on Facebook, what do I do?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:39:10 +0000

Our children’s birth mother just posted a suicide note on Facebook.

We have not heard from her (other than her posts on Facebook, but nothing directly) since before Christmas. We do not have an address,
although she has told us what city she is living in/near. As long as she has not moved to another state again without telling us. We do not
have a telephone number.

She is currently estranged from her family. Her mother also does not have any way of contacting her and does not have an address or
telephone number.

I have sent her a message via Skype telling her to call me and that I am worried about her. We have also called the police in the city in
which she may (or may not) be. They are trying to locate her for a Well-Being Check.

Obviously, any advice you have will not help if she is in extreme crisis and has done something to end her life. Assuming the situation
is not as dire, moving forward — what should we do???

My head is whirling and I cannot catch my breath.

What do you do when you just don’t like your child’s biological family?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:09:29 +0000

We are in an open adoption with our dd’s first parents. Our daughter is a toddler, so right now the contact is almost exclusively between the adults. We have had a couple of in-person visits, which were all very awkward and short. Most of our contact is through Facebook and text messaging.

We get along fine with our daughter’s first mother, who is a young adult and very sweet. The problem is our daughter’s first dad — he is still in a relationship with the mom and so is very much in the picture. He makes racist comments and frequently voices opinions about current events that we find personally and morally offensive. He is not someone I would seek to maintain contact with under any other circumstances. Because he is still living with our daughter’s mom, there is no way we can limit contact with him. I am at a point where it is starting to hurt our relationship with the mom, who really is a darling (but insecure) person. She will not end the relationship with him, and he will not change.

Any advice?

Can too many pictures be overwhelming for first parents who seems to be pulling back?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 01:38:50 +0000

Can too many pictures be overwhelming for a firstmom who seems to be pulling back from us? And also for a firstdad who only wanted a yearly update letter with some pics? I ask because I have been working on a photo journal album and so far I have included over 50 pictures and I am only up to my daughter’s 1st bday (she is almost 3). These pictures are incredibly precious memories for my husband and I and we want the fp’s to see she is incredibly loved and cared for(and we are really proud of our beautiful daughter).

We know firstmom has a lot of turmoil in her life and since our daughter’s 1st bday she has been contacting us less and less (we all agreed she would be the one to make contact about visits because she has a tough time afterwards, but we always send our biannual or more updates and let her know we look forward to her contacting us). When fm does make contact she does not ask one single question about our daughter, not how is she, is she walking/talking/ NOTHING. Her name isn’t even mentioned in the emails (yeah, I admit that really bugs me-but I guess she isn’t the chatty kind) She never contacted us for the 2nd bday (no card even for our daughter), she blew us off with no thought for the visit she scheduled a few months later (I say blew us off because she wrote all over facebook (on her wide open to the world page) about going to a friend’s to party all night and having a hangover the day after she never showed). That ticked us off but we let it go because we figured she wasn’t ready to visit. Then she contacted us 2 days before she was moving out of state for college about visiting, but I had the flu and didn’t check email til it was too late. To be honest that contact felt like an afterthought especially since she had a count down til moving day on fb for 2 months. We also heard nothing from her at Christmas even after we sent our updates.
I guess what I am asking is does it sound like a 20+ page photobook with 100+ pics would be too overwhelming for someone who seems like they are trying to distance themselves from us? I know people are going to say we need to talk with her, but when I do send emails with questions I get really short responses that don’t answer anything and as much as we are sure she is interested she doesn’t act like it (hence never asking a single question, I swear, not one). Also would it be overwhelming for a fdad we have never heard from other than telling the agency our letters are near and dear to him?
I know there is not a defining line about sharing too much, but we don’t really have all that much contact as it is. Thoughts???

How do I stay positive when my son’s parents are shutting down contact?

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 13:04:09 +0000

How do I stay positive when it seems that my sons adoptive parents are trying to shut me out of there lives?

I’ve tried to just accept that pictures might not be coming anymore, but it’s very scary for me to think that.

It’s been nearly three months since I last saw some Face book pictures, and I know there have to have been some taken during the holiday season especially.
My sons adoptive mom has stated that there have been technical difficulties, but then she changed her profile picture to one of her daughter(born to her).
No picture/s of our son at all.
It was starting to get to me, so I asked as nicely as possible and got an angry response.
I think this might be the end, next my son adoptive mom might take me off her Face book. It makes me feel like my insides are dieing.
How do I still find hope?