Open Adoption Support » daughter

My 16 year old daughter is struggling in her open adotion. Help!

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:59:53 +0000

I have a 16 year old daughter, open adoption. She has five birth siblings, same mother, and was the only child placed. We have supported her desire to get to know the birth family but it is tearing my daughter apart. She feels guilty about not being part of their lives and is pushing us away in a very painful way. They live across the country and we have been arranging for her to spend time at Christmas and summer with them, but their lives are chaotic and last summer refused to respond so the travel arrangements fell apart.The
birth mother has never dealt with her own grief regarding her decision to place this child. She would like our daughter to come live with her. It is a nightmare. Any experiences or suggestions appreciated.

My child’s birth parents send unequal amount of presents. How do I handle it?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:02:25 +0000

Just thought I’d throw this out and see how any of you would handle this. Our daughter’s birthmother rarely sends presents to her. She does sometimes….just very infrequently. The birthfather and his parents are OVERLY generous on the other hand (so much so I had to respectfully request they limit the gift-giving…I mean the UPS truck was at our door weekly!!!). Anyway…our little girl is very smart and VERY perceptive. And we have been telling her about her birthfamilies since she was 2 (she sees each of them once a year as well). So she knows about them and knows they have a role in her life. (So far so good.) The issue is…as soon as she receives a present in the mail from the birthfather and his parents….she expects to be receiving one from the birthmother as well and becomes disappointed when she does not. For example..this past Christmas…Big box from birthfather and parents…nothing from birthmother. Her birthday is coming up, and I am anticipating the same situation. I do not want her to reach the wrong conclusion that one loves her more than the other, because I know that that is NOT the case. But at 5 years old…presents are apparently speaking louder than words. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Is it appropriate if my daughter’s first mother refers to her as HER daughter?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:04:32 +0000

Our daughter is 3 years old and we are involved in an open adoption with both birthparents (birthparents are not together). Birthmom has predominantly visited us with her family (parents/2 sibllings). Historically, I have alwasys felt that she has been very respectful of my position as “Mom”-when talking to our daughter, making effort to refer to me as “Mommy”. Birthmom has always been referred to by her first name.

Birthmom’s mom has a rather strong, vibrant personality and within first year of our daughter’s birth stated at an early visit “so is there a “Nana” in the picture??”. We were taken aback and just responded “no” (which is true- our Moms go by other “Grandma-like” names). Since then, she has always referred to herself as “Nana” (addresses books and signs cards this way). In retrospect, perhaps we should have handled this diffferently. I share this part to give context to me inquiry.

For the very first time ever, birthmom bought a “Love You Daughter” birthday card for our daughter. I was surprised by it and admittedly, I cannot deny that I have been struggling with
this issue ever since. It is ouchy to the heart. I always thought that there would only be 2 people to give her that kind of card-myself and my husband. Though I do honour that this young woman carried our daughter for 9 months and chose us to parent her. I am debating if a “boundary” should be set in this regard. Ultimately, I know it is great for our daughter to feel loved “best interests of the child” approach). I am just wondering if this is the presidence that should be set or want to be set (not really according to my heart)?

Is it potentially confusing for my daughter- whether now or later (should more “daughter” references persist)? I feel badly about mystruggles with this situation and would not want to cause hurt in theopen adoption relationship. Yet sometimes I wonder if my husband andI need to consider setting more boundaries- we have conductedourselves with a lot of flexibility and openess. Lately, I havestarted to feel like it is as if our daughter is “on lease” to us. Iknow that is not true and not what is intended by the birthfamily, butthis latest deal with the card is challenging my confidence andsecurity. Do I need to be the “bigger person” and move on, forgiveher for the insensitivity? OR is this when I need to identify anissue? If the latter- where do I begin? The other complication isthat most communication tends to be faciliated through birthmom’s mom.

Thanks for feedback- I am anxiously awaiting!

How do we explain our family configuration?

Anonymous — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 01:44:46 +0000

We finalized the adoption of our daughter in September after 2 years of fostering her. We also have a foster son that has been with us for a little over a year. The children are 3 months apart in age and look nothing a like so we get a lot of questions. We’ve always answered them honestly, but as the children get older (they’re 2 1/2 now) I worry about how to phrase it so that they both know they are loved and part of our family. Any suggestions?

Our daughter’s birth mom just died. Where do we go from here?

Anonymous — Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:43:12 +0000

We are in the process of a foster to adopt placement. The Birth Mom made the decision to allow us to adopt our daughter. She had successfully completed her case plan and by all rights had the choice to reunify, but chose to let her daughter stay with us – the only family she has known since she was 4-weeks-old. We were granted PC on May 18th and the process for adoption has started in earnest.

In the midst of our excitement, tragedy has struck. Birth Mom was killed a week ago in an accident. We were anticipating a very open adoption and had almost daily contact w/ her up until the day she died.

At 2 our daughter is too young to understand the enormity of EVERYTHING, the noble and selfless decision her mother made in allowing her to stay w/ us and the waste and tragedy of her death.

We feel very blessed that we will be able to give our daughter a very positive picture of her birth mom, but I don’t want to over do it because birthmom did make mistakes – she had 4 other children she lost custody of before she had our daughter. How do we create a healthy balance especially when she’s older? Any suggestions? Thank you

Is anyone else dealing with a birth family member with a mental disability?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 18:40:59 +0000

Our daughter’s birth mom is mentally disabled (on SSI disability, unable to hold a job, cannot handle her money independently, etc.) We have an open adoption with no formal agreement as to contact, etc. Birth mom is unable to drive, and lives about 1.5 hrs. drive from us. Therefore visits take place in her town of residence. Her residence is not suitable for visits.

I am struggling with the visits for two reasons: 1) Birth mom is unwilling/unable to interact with our daughter. When she was very small, she would hold her for a while, but since she turned 1, it is almost as if the “baby” that she gave birth to is gone and it is difficult for her to understand her growth and development. Birth mom talked about herself entirely during the last visit. When we introduced information about our daughter in the conversation, she continued to talk about herself, and expressed no real interest in our daughter.

2) The other concern I have is financial. For a number of reasons, I quit teaching when our daughter was born. My husband has a career he loves, but he works for a non-profit agency and earns a modest salary. Between gas and lunch out with birth mom at the last visit, we spent over $100. That’s a hit to our tight budget. The small town where visits take place does not offer many options for a place to meet and visit. Birth mom has some physical limitations as well, so we cannot go play in the park, go for a walk, etc. So far, going out to eat for lunch has been all we have been able to think of doing with her.
During the summer, we thought we would picnic with her.

So here are my questions:
~ Have any of you been involved in an adoption where one or more of the parents are mentally handicapped? Any tips? Our adoption agency’s staff have not been helpful to us on this front.
~ Are we the only family that feels a financial burden with visits? What have you found to be beneficial?

Thanks to everyone for your input.

How does someone tell an adopted child that their birth name was different?

Anonymous — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 12:34:00 +0000

I’m asking this for a friend. (Really! I am!)

She and her husband are in a somewhat open adoption with her infant daughter’s birth mother. (Birth mother originally stated she did not want any contact at all and has now requested some photos and letters.) As part of the developing openness, she discovered what her daughter’s original name on her original birth certificate was. Her birth mother named her “Pandora.” Gave her that name because she felt as if her daughter’s birth was so horrible and terrible that the name “Pandora” was the best way to express that.

Right now she is relieved that her daughter was born in a state with sealed birth records. I pointed out to her that birth record laws are being changed and her daughter may be able to get her original birth certificate when she is 18 years old. And that she may want to figure out how to handle this well before then.

Any suggestions for how to explain this to your adopted child and at
what age you should start?

Explaining differences in openness to my daughters?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:18:27 +0000

We are the proud adoptive parents of 2 wonderful little girls. Kendra is 3 & Christa is 18 months. They have different birth/ first moms. Kendra’s mom had a difficult childhood & said it was always confusing & difficult to have a lot of different adults coming & going in her life. Mom said that she would love letters & pictures, but felt like visits weren’t in Kendra’s best interest. Mom also said she wanted to make sure that Kendra knew that we were her parents, the people she had to answer to & deal with. Mom said if Kendra wanted to meet as an adult, she would be happy to meet, but not before. We assurred mom that if done right, visit could work & be an asset. Mom declined & we haven’t heard from her, although we do send pictures & letters regularly.

Christa’s mom initially had much the same idea. The plan started changing almost the second Christa was born & has evolved into an open adoption with periodic visits. The problem is that initially we didn’t include Kendra in these family visits, but since there is a half-sibling that Kendra’s age, and making other arrangements for Kendra was another level of complexity, it has become a whole family affair. It seems to be working.

The catch is that Kendra, a bright 3 year old, has started asking questions. Specifically “I’ve met Christa’s birthmom, why haven’t I met mine?” Luckily, she didn’t seem upset when she asked, but it did catch us of guard. It wasn’t even around a visit & seemed to come out of the blue. We told her maybe someday we can see her. While it is true, we extend invites to her her & they may meet when Kendra is an adult, it seems unlikely that she will meet her in the near future. We don’t want to stretch the truth and just want to do what is best for Kendra. How would others approach this?

How much should I continue to push for contact w/ bmom?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 01:31:26 +0000

My daughter was placed with us at 2 months old. Her bmom was 40 when DD was born, and had hidden her pregnancy, and gave birth alone. She initially brought DD to the hospital with the intent of placing her through Safe Haven. Ultimately, she was connected with our agency and DD was placed in interim care with the agency while bmom received counseling and decided to make an open adoption plan, and she chose me and DH. We instantly loved bmom, she is a wonderful person. We have a fully disclosed adoption, but calls stopped quite early (I couldn’t call due to her privacy issues). I e-mailed with pictures and updates monthly, I’d sometimes get a 2 line response, most times nothing. There was sometimes talk of an amorphous visit at some future time. I would write heartfelt e-mails about our relationship, explaining my feelings and hopes for DD.

After being out of contact for about 9 months, Bmom e-mailed and said she had moved unexpectedly- in the same area though. As DD approached 2, bmom increased her responses to my e-mails, and said she was ready for a visit. She cancelled the first planned visit, but we did meet the next week, and she came to our house and spent the entire day. It was great. We talked about the hard stuff. She said she was ready for this to continue. And then she cancelled the next visit. And then the next. And now I haven’t heard from her.

I am so sad. My DD is only 2 now, but by her already emerging personality I imagine she will want a relationship with bmom. I also imagine she will ask hard questions, and I just don’t have the answers. Bmom has older children who have no idea DD exists. That makes me incredibly sad for DD, too.

So my question is how much do I push to keep this relationship? I fear if I don’t push at all, she will drop out of our lives completely. But as DD gets older, I don’t think it will sit right with her that bmom is, well, flaky. I guess part of me feels that is their relationship to work out then. But now, it is my job to keep those lines open so that DD will have the choice to decide when she is older. Does this ramble make any sense? I would love bparent and especially adoptee perspective on this.

First Mom and child's birthday

Anonymous — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:21:28 +0000

I was wondering what advice you all would give on how to handle my daughter’s first birthday. We will be inviting her first mom and many members of the first family. What I was wondering was how if at all we should make her first mom feel included in the party.

She’s a very shy young lady and I don’t want to embarass her but I would like to include her. My only thought is to have her help with the gift opening. Any other ideas? I’ll ask her as it gets closer (April) but I want to have some ideas to give her.