Open Adoption Support » contact

I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact with our son’s addicted birth parents.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:44:38 +0000

We have a 20 month old son, which also means we have a 20 month old open adoption relationship with his birth parents. That means we are still learning and figuring out how to work in this relationship (and probably will for the foreseeable future). My question is this…how do we maintain a relationship, if it is even possible, with someone dealing with addiction? Also, living several states away (which wasn’t true at the time of placement)?

First off I have only a small idea of what addition is like; over eating, playing too many video games, etc, etc, but none of that has been enough to change the course of my life. So while I can emphasize with her addictions, I know I will never completely understand what she is going through. Quite honestly, I hope I never have to completely understand. However, I would like to keep a door open to her in regards to a possible relationship with our son. I want to be able to do that without being taken advantage of and I know that is a fine, fine line.

So I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact. I am afraid, if the past is any indication, this relationship will be largely one sided.

How do I respectfully open a discussion about handling posting of pictures?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:42:16 +0000

We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.

My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:00:50 +0000

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird? FYI, the first father and I visit together and have had all the same contact from the very beginning. When he became married, his wife came with him to the visits. So she had brought her children(2y and 1y) to the visits as well, three times now she has been at visits with the first father and myself. Just telling you so you know that I don’t just randomly care about kids I have never met.

I care about her too, the first fathers wife, as a person, really I do! Is this unhealthy and wrong? Recently I have had a issue with her, she blocked me from her commenting on her online videos that she has available to the whole world, but now, not me.

Would it be fair for me to ask for our child’s birthmother to work on her relationship with the birthfather?

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:33:31 +0000

My daughters birthparents don’t speak. She lied to him about the pregnancy and so he didn’t find out about my daughter until shortly before she was born. Since then, our birthfather has tried to be in touch with our birthmother, but she refuses to speak with him. We had to have separate meetings during the adoption process because she refused to be in a room with him. And since then, he has texted & emailed & called her and she refuses any contact. I don’t believe he has any poor intention at all .. he seems to lover and miss her and seems to want to mourn the loss of parenting their daughter together.

Would it be fair for me to ask for her to work on her relationship with him? My husband & I very much believe that they should be friends (they created our daugther together afterall) and that it would be great for our daughter to be able to have visits with them both at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. Do I have the rite to ask that?

Our child’s bio sibling had a baby. How do we figure this out?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:08:54 +0000

We just learned that an older bio-brother (T) of our two adopted boys had a baby. T was adopted by a different family, and we all lost touch with him for a few years but just regained contact. The relationship with him “feels” like a nephew to us parents but of course they are brothers and call themselves that. So now our sons figure they are suddenly uncles at ages 15 and 14. Us parents can’t quite figure out whether to call ourselves grandparents or step-grandparents or great-uncle/aunt. Any advice from others in a similar situation appreciated. And in the meantime we’ll try actually asking T himself, we’re going to meet him and his new proto-family tomorrow!

How do I create a relationship with my grandson’s adoptive parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:06:46 +0000

My grandson was born this year. My son was not allowed to participate in the adoption process or meet his son before the adoptive parents took him home. A couple of months after my grandson’s birth we were allowed to meet the adoptive parents and my grandson. He is beautiful and we feel blessed that he has such wonderful parents. I am grieving what I expected my experience would be when I finally had the grandchildren I so look forward to. Yet, I am grateful for the contact that we have with my grandson. I am having a hard time making sure
that the adoptive parents understand that we would love to see him any time they are willing to let us see him without seeming too pushy. I don’t want them to feel put upon. Also, do I call myself “grandma?” I don’t want to step on any toes.

BTW birth mom is not aware of our contact. They are trying to make sure everyone who is important to my grandson is a part of his life. Her wishes are that we don’t have contact. We live in a small community so it is a bit hairy. Any advice would be welcome.

My son’s birth mom doesn’t always keep promises. How do I help him cope?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:28:18 +0000

I am an adoptive mom, in an open adoption, with an 11 year old boy. His birth mom is a wonderful person- but I sometimes feel like the only reason she maintains contact is for HER mother (who is a huge part of all our lives). My son’s birth mother constantly makes him promises- and then doesn’t follow through. But I think many of the promises are made under duress by her own mother. I would like some input from other mothers, who might help me understand why she keeps breaking his heart. He loves her, and I want him to- but he already tells me he can’t trust her. How do I help him cope?

How do I ask a woman I know professionally to adopt my unborn baby?

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 12:55:22 +0000

I am an expectant mother (in my mid twenties) looking into adoption. I have been in contact with one agency in my state, but did not feel a connection with the families they presented to me. I am looking for an open adoption and would be most comfortable if someone I knew (or someone that they knew) adopted my child. I realize that what’s holding me back from considering others, is that I have a hard time trusting people I don’t know – both with my child and with honoring an open adoption.

I have known a woman (on a professional level) for more than ten years. Neither of us have been a part of each others personal lives much, but we care about one another very much. She is married with two young children (2 and 4) and is stable in many ways. When I think of placing my child, I think of her family.

My questions is: how would I ask this woman/family if they’d consider adopting my child? They are not looking to adopt (as far as I know) and don’t want to put them in an uncomfortable position. I also don’t want to look foolish, but I want the best for my child and I think the starting place might be there.

A question for birth mothers, would you be offended if your non-birth parent significant other wasn’t allowed to be part of the open adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:17:36 +0000

Question for Birth Moms – Assuming you are no longer in a relationship with the birth father of your child, how would you feel if the adoptive parents told you they didn’t want their child spending time with your significant other (even if you are now married). As an adoptive parent, I have not been faced with this dilemma yet but in talking to other adoptive parents who love their child’s birth mom, they have decided to only allow contact with her and not with her new husband. Their reasoning is that they want their child to build a relationship with her birth mom without complicating it with other people (they don’t have a particular issue with the new husband, they just want to focus on the birth mom right now). They only see the birth mom once a year for a few hours so they don’t want to have to share that time with her new husband or to explain who he is, etc., to their daughter. They have decided they will allow him to come if their daughter ever asks the birth mom whether she is married and if she expresses a desire to meet him. I don’t know how we’ll proceed when our child’s birth mom is married and wanted to get thoughts from birth moms. I get my friend’s reasoning but could also see how this could be perceived negatively by birth aprents.

How do foster adopt parents engage with birth parents and keep their children safe?

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 11:56:31 +0000

I am a foster adoptive mom with three kiddos in various points of semi-open adoption. Undoubtedly this has been asked, but how do foster adopt parents engage and keep their children safe..? One of our children’s situation may allow for face to face contact in the future. In regards to our other children it is highly unlikely.