Open Adoption Support » conflict

Would it be fair for me to ask for our child’s birthmother to work on her relationship with the birthfather?

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:33:31 +0000

My daughters birthparents don’t speak. She lied to him about the pregnancy and so he didn’t find out about my daughter until shortly before she was born. Since then, our birthfather has tried to be in touch with our birthmother, but she refuses to speak with him. We had to have separate meetings during the adoption process because she refused to be in a room with him. And since then, he has texted & emailed & called her and she refuses any contact. I don’t believe he has any poor intention at all .. he seems to lover and miss her and seems to want to mourn the loss of parenting their daughter together.

Would it be fair for me to ask for her to work on her relationship with him? My husband & I very much believe that they should be friends (they created our daugther together afterall) and that it would be great for our daughter to be able to have visits with them both at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. Do I have the rite to ask that?

Can you help me figure out how to manage my fears?

Anonymous — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 02:56:49 +0000

Would like feedback from Adoptive Moms and Birth Moms – My husband and I were blessed to be chosen as parents by a really great birth mother. In addition to giving us the ultimate gift, she is a great girl and we like her as a person. Nevertheless, she sometimes makes comments that really bother me (i.e., she attributes every good quality of our daughter to herself, when our toddler is being a toddler around her, she’ll call her a brat, etc.). Some of these comments bother me because of who they come from, i.e., attributing good qualities to herself. I recognize that some come from her but would like some recognition that we have done a good job raising her. And the comments, i.e, “you’re so spolied” or “you’re a brat” would bother me even if they came from my own sister and I am concerned that they could affect our daughter when she is old enough to realize who is saying them (because obviously she’ll want her birth mother’s acceptance). Our birth mother is young and I think most of these kinds of comments come from youthful obliviousness and I also realize I am hyper-sensitive to what she says (wanting to protect my own identity as “mom” and also my daughter’s feelings of security and unconditional love by both my husband and I and the birth mom).

Suggestions for how to address these kind of comments the next time they are made (without making it a source of conflict) and also suggestions for how to overcome my own fears. As much as I honor the role of my child’s birth mother, I also (as irrational as I know it is), worry that she or my daughter will one day relegate me to a second-class Mom.

How do you handle blogs for your child’s family?

When to close an open-adoption?

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 14:15:09 +0000

We have or had a very open adoption, but the birth mom is treating me very badly. Coming into my home and not saying 1 word to me. She did this because she is upset with me about anything and everything. She told me to shut the f up in one of many text to me. She has called me horrible names in text. All this drama is stressing me out and my kids can sense my stress. Should I close it completely with the birth mom, birth dad & birth grandma, etc. I say all those other people because they criticize my parenting and suggest how they would have done it differently. The birth uncle came over one time and handed my child to the birth dad and said, “Here go to daddy.” I would feel so guilty if I were to close the adoption…but the way they me feel horrible as a person and a mom. I usually let these things go, but my kids are effected by my stress and that’s where I draw the line.

If you think I should close it, please give me suggestions on how I should go about that. However, if you think I should keep it open, leave suggestions on how I can deal with all this drama and how horrible they make me feel.

How do I handle disrespect from my son’s birth mom’s mom?

Anonymous — Fri, 06 May 2011 10:55:39 +0000

I’m stressed to the max… Tomorrow is our first meeting in person with my son’s Bmom and I’m scared and kinda freaking out…

I mean No disrespect but My son’s Bmom and her Family are all messed up big time… I wish she was like other Bmom’s on here today she called me and Ask us if her mom could come with her to see my son…she has never been respectful to us always bad mouthing us for taking her Grandson… My son is almost 2yrs old and I know he is to little to understand what she says but it hurts us…. I have till in the morning to tell her if her mom can come and I don’t know what to say….

We feel if we say NO things with her will get worst(she Lives in the town over) and if we say Yes…. she will be mean and disrepectful…..

Not sure what to do….. pls help

Should I tell my child’s paternal grandparents about the adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:03:03 +0000

I placed my son for adoption 8 months ago and his birthfather made it clear from the get go he was not interested in anything to do with his child. After our son was born I sent him a letter with some pictures and he flipped over them and called my lawyer to try and get me in trouble. He never told any of his family that I was pregnant and I did not tell them because I didn’t want them to think they could try to interfere with the adoption. Now that the adoption has been finalized for awhile and I know he is safe and secure I feel like they have a right to know they have a grandson out there. It has been a source of conflict for me all along. A few weeks ago I came across his mother’s facebook profile (she commented on a photo of a mutual friend and as soon as I saw her name I knew who she was). I desperately want to send her a message and just lay it all out there but I am really scared, given his reaction to the pictures. I know that he would be very angry with me but this is not about him. It is about my son and the right to one day seek out his grandparents. They deserve to know about each other even if it doesn’t go anywhere. If there is any chance at all that they would want to know him and have a relationship with him I would not want to be involved in keeping that from him if I could have done something about it. If they don’t then he will be no worse off than he was to begin with. Any thoughts? To message the paternal grandmother or not?

How do I avoid getting in the middle of birth family conflict?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 14:26:58 +0000

Our children’s birth mother has two older children who live with their grandmother (birth mother’s mother). They have always lived with their grandmother and sometimes their mother has lived with them, but most of the time she is constantly moving about the country. Unfortunately, she is extremely unstable and unlikely to become stable in the foreseeable future.

Because of a series of actions that I know only a little about, the grandmother has placed a restraining order against her daughter and will not allow her to see her children. She is currently working through the court system and has been named as guardian of her grandchildren. The grandmother is trying to have her daughter’s parental rights permanently terminated. She has also changed her telephone and e-mail address and does not want her daughter to be able to contact her except through her lawyer.

We are in an open adoption relationship with both our children’s birthmother and their grandmother (and the half siblings). Both have told me briefly about their version of events and both seem to want us to be on “their side.” I have told both that their relationship with each other has nothing to do with each of their relationships with us and that I do not want to be in the middle. I am refusing to “pick a side.”

This past week the birth mother called to ask us for her mother’s contact information. I said I could not give that to her. She next asked if we had received any new photos of her older children as she hasn’t even seen a picture in more than a year. She would like us to scan any photos and send to her.

I’m not comfortable doing that because I don’t know what is going on between them and I do not wish to know any more than I already do. I do not know if sending her photos would be a huge problem or not. I have e-mailed the grandmother to ask if that would be acceptable, but she has not yet replied.

I also do not want to alienate either of them as I’m doing everything I can to maintain a relationship for my children’s sake.

I feel as if I am being pushed into the middle and do not want to be here. Any suggestions?

Birth parents wanting money from us. Now what?

Anonymous — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 12:41:14 +0000

My husband and I just adopted our beautiful son less than a week ago as a new born. We were matched through our adoption attorney. We feel it is very important that we keep an open adoption for our son. Throughout the pregnancy, we have gotten to meet many members of the extended family. They are extremely poor, but seem to think nothing of it. It was nothing for them to ask us for things- I bought birthmom 2 cell phones, she lost one and threw the other away the day she got it because it was not good enough. I was able to say-legally I can’t pay for this or can’t pay for that. I am not trying to sound high and mighty, but if it were not for us, they would not have had a Christmas nor an Easter for themselves nor the children- we were Santa and the Easter bunny. The birth mom has 2 other children that were taken away, she has not had them for over a year. It is unknown who the birthfather is.

Two days ago, I received an email from the grandmother thanking us and telling us what a blessing from God we are and how at peace she is knowing that the baby is in loving arms and will be taken care of. Yesterday, I got a call from the birthmom asking us to pay for the insurance on her car and get it registered -the attorney’s paid this in January, but she used the money for a game set. I told her that I needed to talk to the attorney she advised her case was closed, I advised mine was not- the adoption has not been finalized. (consent is irrevocable at this point) I let her know that I am legally unable to help her with this, per the attorney (She just got money for expenses from the attorney and bought I-phones for her and her boyfriend-neither of them have jobs and had advised they were both getting tattoos also). Yesterday afternoon, I received an email-attached to one from me telling them about him and that we were looking forward to seeing them next month-that we have lied to them and deceived them and are not following through with anything we told them and for that reason they are ending the relationship, because the birth mom went through trauma mentally and physically for me and I am unwilling to pay for things. The email ended, this is not to guilt you if that’s what you think it is. I am seeing a totally different side of them now and am not sure that I want this in my son’s life. They are threatening to close the door because I wont give them money. Birthmom has not called except to ask for money. If I help this one time, it will open the door for handouts. This baby is not a tool for their working. I am very angered and upset over this. I have not responded to the email, and am reconsidering the extent of openness at this time.

Advice? Please help we are new to this.

My agency is asking for more money, is this ok?

Who are the parents?

Anonymous — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 03:52:29 +0000

Or maybe, my question is “what is a ‘parent’”? I think this is a touchy subject but I would really appreciate some thoughts. Our birthfather said that my husband and I are not our son’s parents. He said that “legally, we take care of him” but that he and the birthmom are his parents and make the decisions about his life. His sister told us that this is the over-arching challenge in our OA- that the birthparents honestly think that we are just raising their son for them. The first 9 months of our son’s life, they would shuffle him off to family or friends when they weren’t up to parenting him. Then they would go get him back. Finally, our bf’s sister and mother said “no more” and encouraged adoption. The sister told us that Child Protective Services was about to remove our son from the bparents- they contacted her looking for him a week after we brought him home.

2 months after we brought our son home, the birthmom started emailing with her directives. She told us he can’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays. She told us to pad our walls and doors when he started walking. She told us that he must wear shoes when he plays outside. It’s not given as advice or her opinion, it’s told to us as what we are to do while caring for her son (like he’s at the sitter’s or something). We usually try to ignore those emails or we politely respond that she doesn’t need to worry or that we were raising him in our faith like we’d agreed before placement…

They are his parents in that he wouldn’t exist without them. They do love him. We’re his parents because we are pouring our lives into raising him. Who are we all, really?

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How much say do I have in first family relationships?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Jan 2009 22:49:33 +0000

There are so many things that I would normally deem “Not my business” that I feel like maybe are my business because it may or may not affect DS.

For example FDad has never done anything to facilitate our or DS’s relationship with his parents. I emailed his parents when DS was a week old to invite them to consider themselves true grandparents, as their son hadn’t really explained our attitudes on open adoption to them.

We have formed a good relationship with them, and during our discussions with them have described our feelings towards each other as that of in laws, and they are simply DS’s grandparents.

FDad has never visited with his parents, planning to leave or arrive a day or two outside of their visits, and when we visited them we had to make a side trip for FDad as he wouldn’t go to their home.

We are now trying to arrange Spring get togethers, and once again he is talking about visiting within a week of his parents, but no mention of actually coming with them.

I understand wanting some visits alone, but all of them? It’s been 3 years! DS has seen his FDad and his grandparents in the same room once, for breakfast. They were leaving and FDad was arriving the same day.

He is questioning family relationships to a certain extent now (as much a just turned 3 year old can), and I want him to see healthy, happy families, and that all of us are “one” family, his family. I find that hard to do with all these separated visits.

On a more selfish note, we already have to separate FMom and FDad’s visits, and that’s okay because they usually aren’t close together due to varying schedules, but having to account for 4 different busy families schedules (ours, hers, his, and his parents) several times a year is getting difficult and stressful.

Is it okay to insist he combine at least one visit with his folks this year?

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