Open Adoption Support » Christmas

My 16 year old daughter is struggling in her open adotion. Help!

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:59:53 +0000

I have a 16 year old daughter, open adoption. She has five birth siblings, same mother, and was the only child placed. We have supported her desire to get to know the birth family but it is tearing my daughter apart. She feels guilty about not being part of their lives and is pushing us away in a very painful way. They live across the country and we have been arranging for her to spend time at Christmas and summer with them, but their lives are chaotic and last summer refused to respond so the travel arrangements fell apart.The
birth mother has never dealt with her own grief regarding her decision to place this child. She would like our daughter to come live with her. It is a nightmare. Any experiences or suggestions appreciated.

My child’s birth parents send unequal amount of presents. How do I handle it?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:02:25 +0000

Just thought I’d throw this out and see how any of you would handle this. Our daughter’s birthmother rarely sends presents to her. She does sometimes….just very infrequently. The birthfather and his parents are OVERLY generous on the other hand (so much so I had to respectfully request they limit the gift-giving…I mean the UPS truck was at our door weekly!!!). Anyway…our little girl is very smart and VERY perceptive. And we have been telling her about her birthfamilies since she was 2 (she sees each of them once a year as well). So she knows about them and knows they have a role in her life. (So far so good.) The issue is…as soon as she receives a present in the mail from the birthfather and his parents….she expects to be receiving one from the birthmother as well and becomes disappointed when she does not. For example..this past Christmas…Big box from birthfather and parents…nothing from birthmother. Her birthday is coming up, and I am anticipating the same situation. I do not want her to reach the wrong conclusion that one loves her more than the other, because I know that that is NOT the case. But at 5 years old…presents are apparently speaking louder than words. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Is it insensitive to send a family photo to our child’s birth mom?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:31:08 +0000

I have a question about appropriate holiday cards for our son’s birth family. In previous years I have sent our personalized holiday card because it’s either had just a pic of him, or pics of us all separately. This year we have a family photo. Would it be insensitive to send it? On one hand I think it might be nice for them to see us happy together, on the other, maybe it’s too much ‘us’ and I should just send a commercial card with his santa photo inside.

What do people think?

What kind of gift would be best to give my son’s A-mom for Christmas?

Anonymous — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 17:31:31 +0000

My son is 7 months old, this will be our first Christmas, and I want to give her something meaningful that she will cherish. So far, we have a wonderful relationship….tons of pictures on a weekly basis, visits every 6-8 weeks, and emails whenever the mood strikes either of us. I truly feel we will be very close friends (family) for years to come. I want to get the “perfect” gift for her that expresses how thankful I am to have found her and her husband and their other 2 sons. I was thinking maybe a symbolic necklace/pendant that I would purchase for myself as well, so we would each have one to show our connection to each other and to “our” little one. I would really appreciate any ideas from anyone who has received or given a special gift like this.

How do we stay positive and upbeat while we wait to adopt when we feel so discouraged?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:38:05 +0000

It will be three years this Christmas that we had a baby placed with us and the birth mom changed her mind after two days. We are now back on the band wagon and TRYING AGAIN for Open Adoption. How do we stay positive and upbeat that our Prayers will be answered?

Can too many pictures be overwhelming for first parents who seems to be pulling back?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 01:38:50 +0000

Can too many pictures be overwhelming for a firstmom who seems to be pulling back from us? And also for a firstdad who only wanted a yearly update letter with some pics? I ask because I have been working on a photo journal album and so far I have included over 50 pictures and I am only up to my daughter’s 1st bday (she is almost 3). These pictures are incredibly precious memories for my husband and I and we want the fp’s to see she is incredibly loved and cared for(and we are really proud of our beautiful daughter).

We know firstmom has a lot of turmoil in her life and since our daughter’s 1st bday she has been contacting us less and less (we all agreed she would be the one to make contact about visits because she has a tough time afterwards, but we always send our biannual or more updates and let her know we look forward to her contacting us). When fm does make contact she does not ask one single question about our daughter, not how is she, is she walking/talking/ NOTHING. Her name isn’t even mentioned in the emails (yeah, I admit that really bugs me-but I guess she isn’t the chatty kind) She never contacted us for the 2nd bday (no card even for our daughter), she blew us off with no thought for the visit she scheduled a few months later (I say blew us off because she wrote all over facebook (on her wide open to the world page) about going to a friend’s to party all night and having a hangover the day after she never showed). That ticked us off but we let it go because we figured she wasn’t ready to visit. Then she contacted us 2 days before she was moving out of state for college about visiting, but I had the flu and didn’t check email til it was too late. To be honest that contact felt like an afterthought especially since she had a count down til moving day on fb for 2 months. We also heard nothing from her at Christmas even after we sent our updates.
I guess what I am asking is does it sound like a 20+ page photobook with 100+ pics would be too overwhelming for someone who seems like they are trying to distance themselves from us? I know people are going to say we need to talk with her, but when I do send emails with questions I get really short responses that don’t answer anything and as much as we are sure she is interested she doesn’t act like it (hence never asking a single question, I swear, not one). Also would it be overwhelming for a fdad we have never heard from other than telling the agency our letters are near and dear to him?
I know there is not a defining line about sharing too much, but we don’t really have all that much contact as it is. Thoughts???

Any advice for a birthmom trying to prepare for the first visit?

Anonymous — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 05:21:49 +0000

Any advice for a birthmom trying to prepare for the first visit?

My son will be 4 months old when I get to see him just after Christmas. I am very excited but also pretty nervous about the visit. Any advice from those of you who’ve been there?

How do I handle stealing?

Anonymous — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 00:05:13 +0000

where do i begin,, late on christmas my sons bmom slept over..all went well. The next day we went shopping with myself , her and all my kids. In macys, while i was purchasing a gift..she apparently stole a necklace that said Mother and later gave it to me! I didnt know she stole it until my 15year old told me when we got home,,,she said mom i have to tell you…K stole that necklace. I told her not to but she did..and the christmas presents she got kris ,,,she stole too! WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I SAY!!! Do i confront her,, let it go,,,im hurt,,im mad,, ive TRUSTED her in my home with MY children!!!

How do I cope with people who want to make my child a poster child for his/her issues?

Anonymous — Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:52:48 +0000

We have two children — a preschooler who is our biological child and a baby who joined our family through domestic transracial adoption. On Christmas Eve this year, my uncle (who I only see about once a year), asked if he could say a few words before dinner. He asked to hold my youngest child and I assumed that he was going to say a little prayer, perhaps giving thanks for a new family member. Instead, he proceeded to give a speech about the evils of abortion and how wrong we were to have voted for Obama. He specifically quoted statistics about a higher rate of abortion among black women and ended by saying, “Whenever you look at this little black child, I want you all to think of all the black babies aborted each day. Whenever you look at this little black child, I want you to say a prayer to stop this genocide.” This speech was also given in front of my preschooler. I was so shocked at the time that I could not even look at my uncle. (This is not an uncle that I am close to. While I have never had any confrontation with him, I disagree with him on just about every issue I can think of!)

After stewing about this for the past few days, I have decided to write my uncle a letter. I do not want to be cruel, but I want to make perfectly clear that my child is not to be used as a political prop. I could really use some feedback on the letter or other ideas on how to address this situation. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Uncle X,

I suspect that you have no idea how offensive and hurtful your Christmas Eve speech was. While I have no doubt that you felt you were doing your Christian duty, a family Christmas celebration was not the time or place for you to discuss your political views or abortion. If this were my only complaint, I would not be writing this letter. However, I feel that you used and disrespected my family and that I cannot ignore.

First, it was extremely inappropriate for you to preach in front of my preschooler. Ais innocent. He does not understand human reproduction, much less abortion and genocide. It is not your place to expose him to these adult topics.

Second, I was shocked and appalled that you would use B as a prop. You took advantage of my trust, asking to hold my child as if you were about to give a pre-dinner blessing, not a speech. B is my son, he is not a poster child or a pawn to be used for your benefit.

In the future, I do not expect you or your family to discuss race, politics, abortion or adoption in the presence of my family. If these subjects are brought up, I simply will no longer expose my children to you. While I value our family get-togethers, I will not continue them if it is at the expense of my children. I sincerely hope that this was a case of poor judgment and I hope that our future Christmas celebrations are happy and harmonious.

What gifts can a birth/first mom give her birthchilds adoptive parents?

Anonymous — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 23:45:31 +0000

I feel like the adoptive parents of my birthchild think I’m too poor to give them anything, but I’m not!! Plus I just really like giving gifts. In the past I give them a card with a gift certificate inside. The adoptive parents have only once sent me a card for christmas. Other than that they only send me ONE professional picture at christmas time. Just the picture, no note or anything. Anyways, I feel like giving them a good gift would be a step towards a closer relationship. What should I give them?