Open Adoption Support » boundaries

Is it appropriate if my daughter’s first mother refers to her as HER daughter?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:04:32 +0000

Our daughter is 3 years old and we are involved in an open adoption with both birthparents (birthparents are not together). Birthmom has predominantly visited us with her family (parents/2 sibllings). Historically, I have alwasys felt that she has been very respectful of my position as “Mom”-when talking to our daughter, making effort to refer to me as “Mommy”. Birthmom has always been referred to by her first name.

Birthmom’s mom has a rather strong, vibrant personality and within first year of our daughter’s birth stated at an early visit “so is there a “Nana” in the picture??”. We were taken aback and just responded “no” (which is true- our Moms go by other “Grandma-like” names). Since then, she has always referred to herself as “Nana” (addresses books and signs cards this way). In retrospect, perhaps we should have handled this diffferently. I share this part to give context to me inquiry.

For the very first time ever, birthmom bought a “Love You Daughter” birthday card for our daughter. I was surprised by it and admittedly, I cannot deny that I have been struggling with
this issue ever since. It is ouchy to the heart. I always thought that there would only be 2 people to give her that kind of card-myself and my husband. Though I do honour that this young woman carried our daughter for 9 months and chose us to parent her. I am debating if a “boundary” should be set in this regard. Ultimately, I know it is great for our daughter to feel loved “best interests of the child” approach). I am just wondering if this is the presidence that should be set or want to be set (not really according to my heart)?

Is it potentially confusing for my daughter- whether now or later (should more “daughter” references persist)? I feel badly about mystruggles with this situation and would not want to cause hurt in theopen adoption relationship. Yet sometimes I wonder if my husband andI need to consider setting more boundaries- we have conductedourselves with a lot of flexibility and openess. Lately, I havestarted to feel like it is as if our daughter is “on lease” to us. Iknow that is not true and not what is intended by the birthfamily, butthis latest deal with the card is challenging my confidence andsecurity. Do I need to be the “bigger person” and move on, forgiveher for the insensitivity? OR is this when I need to identify anissue? If the latter- where do I begin? The other complication isthat most communication tends to be faciliated through birthmom’s mom.

Thanks for feedback- I am anxiously awaiting!

Is it o.k. to ask our child’s birth family use first names at this time?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:03:56 +0000

We have 2 year old daughter who is adopted and a 19 month old son who is adopted. Our daughter came home at birth and our son came home when he was 10 months old. He was being cared for by his maternal grandmother prior to placement. We have open relationships with both of our kids’ birth families. We have had a rough road with our son’s birth gma. She has lied to us on more than one occasion and has stated that she doesn’t want to raise him, but wants to be his gma as she sees fit. The adoption agency told us that they had been dealing with this family for a long time and if they didn’t pick us, they were done with them, but when we tried to get them to help us set some limits with the birth family, we got threatened that we were a mismatch because we wouldn’t agree to everything the birth grandma wanted. At this point, the adoption is finalized and our son is happy and healthy. The birth gma calls birth mom our son’s mommy, birth mom’s 2 month old daughter “sister” and calls herself grandma. This has really confused our son and our daughter when they come to visit (about every 2-3 months). We would like to ask the grandma to use first names only at this time until our kids are old enough for us to explain everyone’s role. We are open to openness, but at a moderate level. We would allow our daughter’s birth family babysit our kids if asked because of the healthy relationship we have and the boundaries that have been respected by both parties. Is it o.k. to ask them to use first names at this time?

Birth mom is not respecting our boundaries. Help!

Anonymous — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 13:38:48 +0000

I am an adoptive mother of one child, age 2. We have an open adoption with her birthmother but no contact with birthfather (his choice). We have for the past two years struggled to find a happy place in this relationship with our birthmother. We have had issues with gift giving, over staying her welcome, claiming we are not making her apart of our family and even her stating she should have no boundaries. We started out three months before our daughter was born with visits to her birthmom. It was a great time to get to know each other. After our daughter was born it was visits every 2-3months. After many uncomfortable situations and some not so nice emails from our birthmother we decided to only visit once every 6 months. It became too emotionally straining to see her more often. Now we are trying to find a happy place but she keeps stating that if she cannot see her daughter whenever she wants to and is allowed to give her gifts whenever she wants to then she does not want to be involved at all. We have even tried to go back to square one- writting letters back and forth, which only lasted two months then yet another letter from her stating we changed after her daughter was born and she does not feel like family, and wants to see her often and be totally involved in our lives like family is. We still send updates monthly with tons of pictures each time to keep our communication open. We do understand we opened up too much too soon with this young lady. She was invited to the baby shower, baptism and over to our house on several occasions. But after too many uncomfortable instances where she ignores the limits we have set, we want to pull back some. We want to have family occasions with out our birthmother there. She does not seem to get that and insists she is family and should be involved. We did not invite her to our daughters birthday party it was only godparents and grandparents, not our whole family. We did visit her on our daughters actual birthday to celebrate together, but that was not good enough. What do we do if we do not feel comfortable seeing her whenever she wants a visit? How do you get her to stop sending gifts in the mail every couple months? How do we find common ground again? We have on several occasions offered to meet and talk with a social worker and she will NOT do that. Please help!

We are feeling bullied by our daughter’s paternal birth family. What do we do?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 16:04:34 +0000

It’s been over 5 years since we adopted our daughter, and I’m STILL having difficuties dealing with her birthfather and his parents. Perhaps I am being to overly sensitive…I don’t know. I just don’t like being pushed or bullied. And this family really pushes us…every visit, every contact, they push the boundaries we have tried to set. For example, last year, I had made a request to limit the number of gifts (because it was getting ridiculous and it was SO much more than what the birthmother sends). So, what do they do…they came to our annual visit with LOADS of gifts. This time…I had previously e-mailed the birthfather regarding setting up a visit and I gave him a possible time and location (in a neutral location).He didn’t reply for several weeks…until this week when he gave us a weekend in Aug. It was more like a demand, saying we were to meet them at their hotel here in the town in which we live and even gave me a list of activities that we would do. Problem is…we have other plans
that weekend and will be out of town. I responded to that effect…more nicely than the e-mail I received. He hasn’t replied yet. In the meantime…I’m fuming because, once again, I feel like I’m being bullied. AND..I don’t want them coming anywhere near where we live. When we did live in the same town with them (briefly), we had issues with his parents stalking us.

My question is…am I being unreasonable? am I being too sensitive? too picky? I have so much anger and resentment built up towards this family…I am really having a hard time trying to deal with those feelings and getting rid of them, because I know in my heart we should continue the relationship for my daughter’s sake. But it is SO hard to continue with the visits because they (particularly his parents) intimidate me…they don’t even treat me as if I am her mother. They are fine with my daughter…otherwise I would not allow the visit…. I am just so frustrated and angry.

How do I make our visits work in Foster to Adopt?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 12:05:12 +0000

We are in the final stages of a Foster to Adopt placement adoption of our 6.5 year old son. It has been a long and drawn out court process for this little guy and he has had multiple moves. His first mother, unfortunately for her, was born affected with FAS. This has been the cause of her losing her two children and being unable to accept and understand both the process and the end result. During our last court proceeding regarding access for the Birth mother, M, the judge has decided that 2 yearly visits are adequate for her to have access to our boy. I wish that it hadn’t been court ordered, not because we wouldn’t have tried for an open relationship with her anyways, but because the dates are pretty well set in stone so that we cannot be flexible in accommodating the visits. Anyways, I digress… In all honestly, I am very aprehensive and fearful for this first visit. I don’t want to mess it up, I don’t want it to become confrontational and I surly don’t want it to be at all negative for our son. How do we set boundaries for M when I am not sure she understands what that means? Our son has transistioned on his own over the last year from calling her Mommy M to just calling her M and I don’t know how that will confuse him if she continues to just carry on and call herself his mom. I don’t know how to deal with what will I imagine to be a huge barrage of gift giving on this visit as well. During all of her last visits with him he would come home with a trunk load of presents. Should I be getting our social worker to request no gifts, limited gifts? I don’t know. I guess what I am mostly asking is anecdotes or ideas on how to make this first visit go smoothly and as painlessly as possible when she thinks that we ‘stole’ him. Which of course is not the case, we were just the last family placed with him before he was finally released from foster care placement to an adoptive placement opportunity. Is there anything I should be doing or giving her that might help? I thought maybe making her a photo album of the last 6 months (that’s how long its been since she has seen him). Sorry that this is such a long post. Maybe I am really just over thinking things….

I don’t feel ready for contact with the extended family. How do I handle this?

Anonymous — Fri, 27 May 2011 17:59:40 +0000

We have an open adoption with son’s BMom and see her 2-3 times per year. The birth grandparents recently asked for a visit (we have not seen them since the birth – 2 years – and I’m not sure how to respond). They are nice people but not good with boundaries (i.e. names and titles) and I’m not sure we are comfortable with opening our lives to an entire second family. The BMom is one thing but I don’t feel comfortable dealing with all of the other relatives. So I have three questions:

1. Convince me I am wrong and we should have some contact with birth grandparents.

2. Convince me I am okay wanting to limit contact to the actual birth parents and not their extended families at this point in time.

3. Either way, is there a nice way to say NO without cutting off the possibility for openness down the line?

All suggestions will be greatly appreciated. I want to be nice but I feel in my gut that for my child and our family, we should not be opening our lives to the extended family right now.

They closed the adoption but I’m reaching out. What do I say? How do I cope?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 10:57:17 +0000

When I was 16, I got pregnant.

I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

Found our child’s mom on Facebook — do I contact her?

Anonymous — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 21:49:29 +0000

My husband and I have 2 children through adoption with one of them the birthmother didn’t want to meet us or have contact (although she did give us a picture of her), with the other we met her and she said she wanted contact, pictures etc. Since meeting her we haven’t heard from her and the agency said she has never contacted them for the pictures and letters we have sent. This was a few years ago. I recently out of curiousity and not expecting to really find anything typed in her name into Facebook. Obviously I think about both of our children’s birthmothers alot, how could I not, and I wonder where they are, how they are, etc. Well, I actually found her on Facebook and now I’m wondering if I should send her a message seeing if she would like to look at pictures or have any contact, etc. I don’t know how to approach this. I also don’t want to step over any boundaries that I shouldn’t. Maybe this is what she wants and its better for her this way, I don’t know. I’m not really sure why she said she wanted contact and then changed her mind, maybe that was how she was dealing with grief. I don’t pretend to understand. My kids are still young, so although they understand the basics that they were adopted and have seen pictures of their birthmothers, they aren’t to the point of asking many questions. So at this point, my child isn’t asking to be in contact with her. I just look at my children and see just how amazing they are and can’t help but think of their birthmothers/firstmothers. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Is our adoption too open?

Anonymous — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:47:20 +0000

My husband and I adopted a sibling group of 4 children from foster care about 3 years ago. We have contact with b-mom as well as some extended family members by phone and a visit about once a year. (Visits were more frequent in the beginning, but we had to move to the other side of the country 2 years ago due to dh’s job.)

Extended family member contact is on a regular basis, but b-mom is sporadic. She will call on a weekly for a few months, and then we don’t hear anything for a few months. It is almost impossible to reach her since she moves every 2-3 months and constantly changing phone numbers. She does have a facebook page, does not check it regularly, but this has been the easiest way to give her pics of the kids.

During times of contact, my 2 oldest children, ages 7 & 8 start acting out. So far we have been able to handle this, but the acting out is escalating, and with the most recent burst of contact my 8yo engaged in a behavior that could have been life-threatening or caused grave bodily injury. We were able to stop the behavior as soon as we realized what was going on, but are worried about what will happen as she gets older. (She is in counseling.)

But b-mom recently found out that I grounded my 8yo and reacted very badly. She told my 8yo that I was being unreasonable by punishing her. I took the phone from 8yo, and said to b-mom (very calmly) that this is the type of parenting issue that she can not be involved in if this relationship is going to work. And then she hung up on me. (We’ve had similar issues in the past where she disagrees with a decision we’ve made and tells the children that she thinks we are wrong or unfair. I have tried to set up clear boundaries with her, but she has continued to cross those boundaries whenever she doesn’t agree with us.)

She then posted on facebook (where I am her “friend” and can see her status updates) that she made a mistake allowing her kids to be adopted, that their a-mom is a lying, fake, emotionless bitch that is screwing up her kids, and that she will always be their mother and a stupid piece of paper can’t change that. I then hid all of her status updates from my newsfeed and changed my privacy settings so that she can’t see my status updates anymore. (I could have deleted and blocked her, but it’s hard to send pics to her any other way.) I hear about other open adoptions and I’m envious because ours is so hard on me, the kids, and probably b-mom too. I can get along with just about anyone, but am having a really hard time with her.

I’m thinking about not allowing phone calls anymore, or at least for the foreseeable future, and asking that she only contact the kids by writing letters. But I know that if I do this, she will probably just disappear because except when she’s been in jail, she’s never sent the kids letters even when she’s promised them she would.

I have put up with more from b-mom than I ever have from anyone else in my life. I do not allow people that treat me like this to stay in my life. I want to do what is best for the children, but I’m not sure what that is anymore.

How do I deal with overbearing grandparents?

Anonymous — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 18:14:16 +0000

Just wanted to get your thoughts on how others would handle this situation. For the past 4 years…been working with the bf and his very controlling/overly aggressive parents. The beginning of the adoption…well let’s just say we got off to a rough start. They threatened us, stalked us….and then we moved to a different state and I have been working with the bf…who is a sweetie…on taming the energy of his parents into something we can tolerate and hopefully carve out a relationship. We’ve come a LONG way. However…each visit, his parents do or say something that either crosses the boundaries we’ve been trying to set, or just out-right goes against a request we have made. For example….last year we had asked them to reduce the number of gifts and please only bring 1 gift to the visit because we didn’t want the visit to be about the gifts our daughter gets…we want it to be about their presence. So, their one gift was 1 big tote bag full of 15 presents. This year, they did respect that one wish and bring 1 small gift. However, at the end of the visit, his father got down on one knee and told our daughter that the next visit was going to be at our house. I nearly freaked out! Before I could say anything, his wife announced that they were planning on coming to our house this year, but their plans changed. Hello! No one had told us of their plans. And they didn’t ask, just told our 4 year-old daughter what they were going to do!! Keep in mind that we had set up a deal with the bf that we were NEVER to meet at our house because we DO NOT TRUST his parents (after all their previous stalking, etc.). And now that we live in a different state, we have been meeting half way at a playground or fun place where we can all play with our daughter and have a good time, Thankfully, my cousin was with me and jumped in and said, “I’ve got a better idea, you should meet at…”

Which is how we kinda left it. So, what do I do now? Should I contact the bf and remind him about our agreement to meet on neutral ground…or should I wait and see what they do as next year’s visit approaches? Keep in mind that our relationship is pretty fragile. They take things we say out of context pretty frequently and turn it into a battle.