Open Adoption Support » birthfather

The relationship with our son’s birthfather’s family is one-sided. Is there anything we can do?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:52:52 +0000

We have an open adoption with both of our son’s birthparents and their extended families. We have a great relationship with his birthmother and her family and manage to arrange regular visits even though we live about 5 hours away. Our son’s birthfather and his family also live in the same area. Our son’s birthfather did not include his parents in his decision to place, and when they found out (after the fact), they were not initially and then only grudgingly supportive of the choice. Despite the rough beginning, they reached out to us and we gladly responded to include them in a fully open relationship including visits. Our initial visits were awkward and also promising; however, over the years, our son’s birthfather and his parents seem to respond to us less and less. Scheduling visits is almost impossible now – we generally don’t get a response to calls, emails or texts. When we do, it tends to be very last minute (12 hours before the planned date). Even if we plan months ahead, they seem [unwilling/unable] to request time off from their work schedules or notify us of their schedules so we can work around it. When we do manage to connect, they are always very quiet, and do not engage us at all. We try to talk about our son and his development, or ask questions about their life and what their kids are doing, but we barely get any response. In fact, if we don’t make an attempt to talk with them, they just sit and talk to each other and ignore us completely. In addition to missed visits, our son’s birthfather and his parents no longer answer our phone calls (even on holidays) and don’t view the online sharing sites that we update.

They obviously love their grandson as they have met us for a few visits and buy gifts for our son’s birthday/Christmas. But their lack of response to any contact from us and their refusal to make room in their schedule to see us or help plan visits makes it seem to us like the contact is sometimes too much or too hard for them. Because they do not answer the phone we are not sure how to have a conversation about the situation (we only see them at visits right now) and we are afraid they will retreat further if we push too hard.

We have sent letters indicating that the relationship is important to us and to our son and that we value them – they are Grandma and Grandpa to our son after all. Is there anything else we can do? Just thought I’d ask and see how any of you would handle this.

My child’s birth parents send unequal amount of presents. How do I handle it?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:02:25 +0000

Just thought I’d throw this out and see how any of you would handle this. Our daughter’s birthmother rarely sends presents to her. She does sometimes….just very infrequently. The birthfather and his parents are OVERLY generous on the other hand (so much so I had to respectfully request they limit the gift-giving…I mean the UPS truck was at our door weekly!!!). Anyway…our little girl is very smart and VERY perceptive. And we have been telling her about her birthfamilies since she was 2 (she sees each of them once a year as well). So she knows about them and knows they have a role in her life. (So far so good.) The issue is…as soon as she receives a present in the mail from the birthfather and his parents….she expects to be receiving one from the birthmother as well and becomes disappointed when she does not. For example..this past Christmas…Big box from birthfather and parents…nothing from birthmother. Her birthday is coming up, and I am anticipating the same situation. I do not want her to reach the wrong conclusion that one loves her more than the other, because I know that that is NOT the case. But at 5 years old…presents are apparently speaking louder than words. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Would it be fair for me to ask for our child’s birthmother to work on her relationship with the birthfather?

Anonymous — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 20:33:31 +0000

My daughters birthparents don’t speak. She lied to him about the pregnancy and so he didn’t find out about my daughter until shortly before she was born. Since then, our birthfather has tried to be in touch with our birthmother, but she refuses to speak with him. We had to have separate meetings during the adoption process because she refused to be in a room with him. And since then, he has texted & emailed & called her and she refuses any contact. I don’t believe he has any poor intention at all .. he seems to lover and miss her and seems to want to mourn the loss of parenting their daughter together.

Would it be fair for me to ask for her to work on her relationship with him? My husband & I very much believe that they should be friends (they created our daugther together afterall) and that it would be great for our daughter to be able to have visits with them both at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. Do I have the rite to ask that?

We are feeling bullied by our daughter’s paternal birth family. What do we do?

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 16:04:34 +0000

It’s been over 5 years since we adopted our daughter, and I’m STILL having difficuties dealing with her birthfather and his parents. Perhaps I am being to overly sensitive…I don’t know. I just don’t like being pushed or bullied. And this family really pushes us…every visit, every contact, they push the boundaries we have tried to set. For example, last year, I had made a request to limit the number of gifts (because it was getting ridiculous and it was SO much more than what the birthmother sends). So, what do they do…they came to our annual visit with LOADS of gifts. This time…I had previously e-mailed the birthfather regarding setting up a visit and I gave him a possible time and location (in a neutral location).He didn’t reply for several weeks…until this week when he gave us a weekend in Aug. It was more like a demand, saying we were to meet them at their hotel here in the town in which we live and even gave me a list of activities that we would do. Problem is…we have other plans
that weekend and will be out of town. I responded to that effect…more nicely than the e-mail I received. He hasn’t replied yet. In the meantime…I’m fuming because, once again, I feel like I’m being bullied. AND..I don’t want them coming anywhere near where we live. When we did live in the same town with them (briefly), we had issues with his parents stalking us.

My question is…am I being unreasonable? am I being too sensitive? too picky? I have so much anger and resentment built up towards this family…I am really having a hard time trying to deal with those feelings and getting rid of them, because I know in my heart we should continue the relationship for my daughter’s sake. But it is SO hard to continue with the visits because they (particularly his parents) intimidate me…they don’t even treat me as if I am her mother. They are fine with my daughter…otherwise I would not allow the visit…. I am just so frustrated and angry.

Is it appropriate to try to get more info from our daughter’s birthmom about birthdad?

Anonymous — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 17:17:52 +0000

My daughter was relinquished by her birthmother at eight-weeks and adopted by us at 12-weeks. We are in a fairly open relationship with her birthmother. She lives in another state, but we talk on the phone and exchange photos. We will travel there for visits in the coming months. (My daughter is now two. On an earlier attempt to visit, her birthmother decided she was not ready and canceled. We understood.)

In one of our earliest conversations, “Marie” asked that we never tell our daughter anything about her birthfather. This is not an issue as things now stand, since we know almost nothing about him. From what we do know, he is, there’s no better way to say it, a bad dude. However, the more I think about it, the more I would at least like to have the man’s name so that I could tell our daughter when she is an adult. I want to respect Marie’s request — she is only trying to protect our daughter and I think that is noble. But I also want to honor the whole point of open adoption, which for me is providing my child with the truth of her origins.

This leads me to two questions:

1. Is it appropriate for me to ask Marie for a copy of our daughter’s original birth certificate? I have never asked, but I think she has one.

2. Is it appropriate to talk a little further with her about the birthfather? I believe he did some seriously bad stuff and have the impression he is/was a serious drug addict. It may very well be that he is dead or in jail. This will all be painful for my daughter to learn as she gets older, but would it not be more damaging to never know? One option would be to leave it up to my daughter to ask her birthmother when she gets older, but… for a variety of reasons — one being that I do not know what the future holds for her bmom, health-wise — I’d rather not do that.

My husband was adopted and doesn’t worry about these things, by the way. He knows nothing of his geneology and claims he doesn’t care.

Should I tell my child’s paternal grandparents about the adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 16:03:03 +0000

I placed my son for adoption 8 months ago and his birthfather made it clear from the get go he was not interested in anything to do with his child. After our son was born I sent him a letter with some pictures and he flipped over them and called my lawyer to try and get me in trouble. He never told any of his family that I was pregnant and I did not tell them because I didn’t want them to think they could try to interfere with the adoption. Now that the adoption has been finalized for awhile and I know he is safe and secure I feel like they have a right to know they have a grandson out there. It has been a source of conflict for me all along. A few weeks ago I came across his mother’s facebook profile (she commented on a photo of a mutual friend and as soon as I saw her name I knew who she was). I desperately want to send her a message and just lay it all out there but I am really scared, given his reaction to the pictures. I know that he would be very angry with me but this is not about him. It is about my son and the right to one day seek out his grandparents. They deserve to know about each other even if it doesn’t go anywhere. If there is any chance at all that they would want to know him and have a relationship with him I would not want to be involved in keeping that from him if I could have done something about it. If they don’t then he will be no worse off than he was to begin with. Any thoughts? To message the paternal grandmother or not?

Any advice from Adopted parents on how I might forge relationship with my birthson’s adopted mother?

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 20:47:19 +0000

As a birthfather, It appears I am in the minority as far as the responses on this blog. My situation was a little different in that my son’s adoption was closed. I would have loved the idea of being able to share in some aspect of my sons life. His adoption happened because of the fact that I loved him more than anything in this world. To be able to give your child the opportunity for a better life, is the purest, most unselfish love that exists. I did not get to share in his life, however six months ago was reunited with him via the internet. We have exchanged emails, texts and a few phone messages over the course of the last six months and I was able to meet him and his mother over the holidays. What a beautiful, amazing experience!

I have to say, the trepidations were plentiful. Not knowing what to say, when to say…or how to say it…became common for me.

You often hear about birthmoms and the adopted parents views…but seldom do you hear from birthfathers. Any advice from Adopted parents on how I might forge a healthy, new relationship with my birthson’s adopted mother? I appreciate any and all perspectives, as I wish for this to be healthy for all of us.

Should I be more proactive about building birthfather contact?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 11:54:35 +0000

Our son, the Munchkin, is now 2 1/2 years old. When he was born his birthmom told us that his birthfather broke off all contact when he knew she was pregnant and hasn’t responded to her since. She recently mentioned trying to send him pictures of our son and that he didn’t reply, I think she also tried to give him photos soon after the Munchkin was born. We had similar comments from the adoption professionals that had contact with him, like he wouldn’t even take the papers that were served and they had to leave them on his doorstep.

We don’t have a lot of contact with his birthmom, but we’re friends on facebook, send photos and letters frequently and do have an occasional email from her. Now the Munchkin is getting older I’m wondering if I should make more of a proactive effort to find his birthfather. I guess I’m partly afraid of being rudely rebuffed (I’m a bit of a sensitive type), judging from what I’ve heard, but maybe better me now than Munchkin in a few years time. I wonder if I’ve been too accepting that he doesn’t want contact. I also don’t want to hurt Munchkin’s birthmom by either going behind her back, or asking her to get involved, or even making her afraid that she’s going to lose out to Munchkin’s birthfather.

Does anyone have any advice? I’d appreciate hearing your opinions and suggestions. Thanks.

We are feeling hurt and lied to by our daughter's birth family. What do we do?

Anonymous — Wed, 26 Nov 2008 23:08:05 +0000

My husband and I are adoptive parent of a 2 yr/old girl since birth. (Nancy) The birthmother told us the birthfather was a one nightstand and didn’t know anything about him. We agreed to send pics and that if she felt like she wanted to see our daughter later on, that we could meet. When Nancy was 9mo/old we met with the birthmom and her parents. She told me “I have to be honest with you, I’m pretty sure the birthfather is this guy (Will) and he’s the love of my life”. Stunned after that surprised, there were other surprises. Next, she said the birthfather wanted to meet Nancy. Then they emailed us asking for a DNA test, that they would pay for, b/c they thought “it would be in Nancy’s best interest for us to know for medical reasons”. We ignored that request. Then there was an unexpected visit to our house by the birthmother and her mother. The last time we met the birthmother and her mother came , the supposed birthfather –his mother, sister and nephew. Noone asked or told us that they were all coming. Lastly, the birthmother has asked us to meet her sister and her niece’s 1st birthday. We are completely overwhelmed by the events that have taken place and know we obviously need to set limits, but we feel we have been lied to and taken so off guard that we are wanted to go back to sending pictures occassionally and letting Nancy decide when she is at a more mature age if she wants anything to do with her birth family. We know some feelings may be hurt, however we only agreed to send pics and to let the birthmother see her. We never said for how long and never agreed to all of the others that are now involved. We maybe have been more comfortable with everything if we had not been lied to and caught off guard with all the other events. We just want to protect our daughter from lies and feel like she should have a say. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.

How do I heal a misunderstanding? Or should I let things go?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:46:43 +0000

The birthfather told my husband and I that he and the birthmother got the distinct impression from us that we were not comfortable with them or any contact from them. It, of course, hasn’t stopped him or his parents… but it kinda opened my eyes to why the birthmother never contacts us, and rarely responds to e-mails.

So…that leaves me to this quandry…do I try to explain to her WHY we may have come across “guarded” or “uncomfortable” at first? Which, of course, would bring up the topic of the birthfather’s parents and what they put us through for the first 18months of the adoption. Which I don’t want to get into now…I already have in previous posts. She probably already suspects that his parents caused problems for us because she subtly tried to warn us before the birth of our daughter. I just don’t want her to think we don’t want communication from her…I actually would like to hear more from her.

Or…do I not bring this up at all and just remain deligent in my e-mails to her and continue to set up our annual visit, hoping that, in time, she will see that we are quite comfortable with her and her family.

How do I start a search?