Open Adoption Support » birth mom

How do I respectfully open a discussion about handling posting of pictures?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:42:16 +0000

We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.

My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.

My son’s birth mom doesn’t always keep promises. How do I help him cope?

Anonymous — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:28:18 +0000

I am an adoptive mom, in an open adoption, with an 11 year old boy. His birth mom is a wonderful person- but I sometimes feel like the only reason she maintains contact is for HER mother (who is a huge part of all our lives). My son’s birth mother constantly makes him promises- and then doesn’t follow through. But I think many of the promises are made under duress by her own mother. I would like some input from other mothers, who might help me understand why she keeps breaking his heart. He loves her, and I want him to- but he already tells me he can’t trust her. How do I help him cope?

A difficult childhood, do I tell my birth mom now that we’re in reunion?

Anonymous — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 17:59:19 +0000

I have recently reunited with my birthmother after 42 years. The adoption was closed, but she had been searching for me for practically the whole time. We are getting along great, really connecting, and starting to fill in the gaps in each others past. I’m still learning the details of my adoption, so I don’t know if it was something she was railroaded into or if it was done voluntarily. I know she would have wanted the best for me regardless.

My question is what to tell her about my childhood. My first 17 years before college were not happy ones, and I never really got along with my adoptive patents, we just weren’t a good fit. I don’t want to be misleading about what my life was like, but at the same time the last thing I want to do is hurt my birthmom or make her fell guilty. If any birthmoms out there could give me advice on this I would be more than grateful. Thank you in advance.

Is it insensitive to send a family photo to our child’s birth mom?

Anonymous — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:31:08 +0000

I have a question about appropriate holiday cards for our son’s birth family. In previous years I have sent our personalized holiday card because it’s either had just a pic of him, or pics of us all separately. This year we have a family photo. Would it be insensitive to send it? On one hand I think it might be nice for them to see us happy together, on the other, maybe it’s too much ‘us’ and I should just send a commercial card with his santa photo inside.

What do people think?

How do I do an independent adoption?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:08:47 +0000

Hi, I have been trying for 8 years to get pregnant and I have not had the best of luck. My husband and I have decided to adopt but I would like to go through a birth mother insteaad of an aagency. I have no problem with agencies but I would like to have a personal one on one experience with the birth mom and family. Can anyone give me any advice on where to look or how I would go about doing this. I don’t want to place an ad for adoption. Plus, I don’t even know if thats legal. Please help!!!!

Should we have our child’s birth mom come to visit at our house?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:21:57 +0000

We are in an “open” adoption where we have visits, etc., but always at a netural location. We visited the birth mother at her house before placement and although she knows what city we live in, we have never given her our address or invited her to our house (and she has never asked for either). Our child is 3 years old and I’m feeling guilty about never having her to our house: if she trusted us enough to be parents to her child, we should give her the same degree of trust. At the same time, once we go there, we can never go back and my husband is not comfortable going there yet (maybe in 5+ years). For those of you who are birth parents, how do you feel if you have not been invited to the adoptive parents’ house? And for those of you who are adoptive parents, have any of you invited the birth parent over only to regret it later?

How do we stay positive and upbeat while we wait to adopt when we feel so discouraged?

Anonymous — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 17:38:05 +0000

It will be three years this Christmas that we had a baby placed with us and the birth mom changed her mind after two days. We are now back on the band wagon and TRYING AGAIN for Open Adoption. How do we stay positive and upbeat that our Prayers will be answered?

Is anyone else dealing with a birth family member with a mental disability?

Anonymous — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 18:40:59 +0000

Our daughter’s birth mom is mentally disabled (on SSI disability, unable to hold a job, cannot handle her money independently, etc.) We have an open adoption with no formal agreement as to contact, etc. Birth mom is unable to drive, and lives about 1.5 hrs. drive from us. Therefore visits take place in her town of residence. Her residence is not suitable for visits.

I am struggling with the visits for two reasons: 1) Birth mom is unwilling/unable to interact with our daughter. When she was very small, she would hold her for a while, but since she turned 1, it is almost as if the “baby” that she gave birth to is gone and it is difficult for her to understand her growth and development. Birth mom talked about herself entirely during the last visit. When we introduced information about our daughter in the conversation, she continued to talk about herself, and expressed no real interest in our daughter.

2) The other concern I have is financial. For a number of reasons, I quit teaching when our daughter was born. My husband has a career he loves, but he works for a non-profit agency and earns a modest salary. Between gas and lunch out with birth mom at the last visit, we spent over $100. That’s a hit to our tight budget. The small town where visits take place does not offer many options for a place to meet and visit. Birth mom has some physical limitations as well, so we cannot go play in the park, go for a walk, etc. So far, going out to eat for lunch has been all we have been able to think of doing with her.
During the summer, we thought we would picnic with her.

So here are my questions:
~ Have any of you been involved in an adoption where one or more of the parents are mentally handicapped? Any tips? Our adoption agency’s staff have not been helpful to us on this front.
~ Are we the only family that feels a financial burden with visits? What have you found to be beneficial?

Thanks to everyone for your input.

Do we send photos although she hasn’t requested them or not?

Anonymous — Mon, 11 Apr 2011 12:30:23 +0000

My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost a year ago. Before our son’s birth, we all agreed that we wanted to maintain some form of openness but what that would look like was never discussed (we went through a private attorney so the support was not there). Since our son’s birth, we have visited with our son’s birth mom on three occassions (all at her request and two were in the first month post-placement), and we also have sent photos once (through the lawyer) also at her
request. For a variety of reasons, although we sometimes (maybe every two months) communicate directly through email and plan visits this way, we have decided it is best that she request photos directly through the lawyer.

The last time she requested photos was in September. We have seen her once since then and I reminded her that I have lots of holiday photos and that all she needs to do is ask the lawyer for them and I’ll send them to her. In several email exchanges, she has mentioned in passing that the next day she is going to call the lawyer for photos but it never happens.

As mother’s day/our son’s first birthday approaches, I would like to do something nice to honor her and let her know we think of her often. I was thinking of sending her a nice letter and maybe a photo gift with our son’s picture on it. That being said, I understand it might be painful for her to receive photos/updates and that may be the reason she has never actually called the lawyer to request more photos. We have always said we would take our cue from her (and that if she wants visits, photos, etc., she just needs to ask). So I don’t want to send something if she is not ready to receive it but I also don’t want her to think that we have forgotten about her during this special time of year. Advice from birth moms and adoptive parent’s would be appreciated. As an additional note, our she is very young and not very open about her feelings (there was never a tear at the hospital and I was with her the entire time from birth to placement).

I am jealous of my son’s birth mom, how do I navigate this?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 18:20:13 +0000

I am struggling with my feelings as an adoptive mom and would appreciate advice and support. My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost one year ago. I care about and like our son’s birth mom and I want to maintain a relationship with her. We have had visits with her 3 times since his birth. But I can’t help but feel jealous about having to share him with another mom, and ashamed and petty for feeling that way. She has been nothing but appropriate and well adjusted about the
whole situation, and I know I am the luckiest person in this arrangement. I get to be my son’s mom full time, but I guess I feel anxious about if he sees me as his mom and will continue to feel I am his mom as he grows up. I will do what is best for him despite my feelings, which means I will continue to forge a relationship with his birth mom and continue facilitating visits between the two of them. But I just don’t feel great about all of this the way other adoptive moms in open adoptions seem to. I don’t even know exactly how to articulate what I am feeling, but I think this fear of my son eventually seeing me as not really his mom could effect my bond with him. I think I might be holding back because I am afraid of being hurt. On the other hand, I love him so much and want to be with him all the time. I am going part time soon because I HATE leaving him with a babysitter. So far we have agreed to 4 visits a year and monthly photos and letters. Our birth mom contacts the adoption agency to arrange visits when she wants them, and I mail the photos and letters through the agency. Now we are wondering if we should just communicate directly with birth mom, but I am hesitant due to my anxiety about the unknown future. How do I navigate all of this?