He asked for a visit last month, which we had viewed as a positive thing since we had always wanted an open relationship (and have a very good one with our son’s maternal family). After about 30 minutes at the meeting our son’s birth father announced that he had been speaking with a lawyer and had decided he wanted his son. (Don’t bother protesting based on legalities, our situation is very unique but I can’t reveal more on that front due to confidentiality reasons. He had grounds to contest, but not due to anything that we had any part in. It was a consent adoption through the public system.)

Our world obviously crumbled right there and then. We went home, retained a lawyer and made plans to sell our home so that we could fund a protracted legal battle. A month later, it seems that our son’s birth father had never actually had a lawyer and either lost interest, realized his lifestyle wouldn’t allow him to raise a son … or who knows … The finalization is now again on track, but he has requested another visit.

Our lawyer would prefer we do not allow the visit. Our son’s social worker says we have to (though his office’s lawyer has now said we do not) … our psychologist (who we began seeing to deal with the grief and potential future loss of our son) does not think we should go ahead with the meeting … nor does he think that our son would benefit from a relationship with his birth father now or in the future.

We have always been pro openness and have a truly wonderful relationship with our son’s maternal bio family. They are part of our family and are included in family gatherings etc. We feel we need some distance from our son’s birth father right now, but are trying to find a way to let go of the trauma associated with
the last visit so that we can one day try again for some openness. I guess I don’t know if I have a real question … except maybe for “how do we forgive and heal our hearts so that we can be open to openness with him again one day.”

Thank you for your responses.

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I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

Related posts:

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2. Can somebody tell me where I can find the studies that say open adoption is best for the child?
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We have an open adoption and many of her first family members are great. However some members of her first family can be inappropriate.  We still are in contact with them, we just manage those relationships differently.

Several of her first family members are on facebook and post very inappropriate things for a 14 year old to read. Her birth father recently posted about wanting to beat someone over being sending the police to search his house. He’s mentioned drugs, discussed excessive drinking, hits on women constantly and uses ‘n’ word.  Her first mother has posted about being abused by her husband (not the birthdad), police involvement and is still with the guy – the ever changing status of married/single/etc. She speaks poorly about people and family who then see it and call her out, it’s very dramatic and messy.

I really don’t think she should be friends with them on facebook at this point. She has an aunt and grandmother on different sides of her first family that I would have no problem with her being friends with on facebook. But both of them are friends with the first parents.

How do I handle this? Do I block them pre-emptively? Do I wait until they try to friend her and have her decline it? Do I tell them not to friend her at this point? How much do I discuss with her? I don’t want this to be dishonest in anyway but I also don’t want to denigrate them. They are simply too adult for her.

This isn’t just about adoption. I’m not going to let her be friends with one of my cousins whose facebook is full of drug and party references. I don’t mean the normal college student stuff but DUI, rehab, overdose and still doing more drugs while facing possible jail time.

Both parents have her listed by full name and birthdate as their kid on facebook, which doesn’t bug me, and have said they can’t wait to friend her, which is why I went to check their pages.

What do I do? I’m leaning towards honestly talking to them which will be so hard. But I admit, blocking them would be much easier.

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We are in limited contact with our daughter’s birth father. This is by his choice. We have his e-mail account and his current address, but the only contact he wants is photos sent 3-4 times per year. On occasion we have e-mailed him for various reasons. His replies are polite, but very short.

Early on we told him that we would welcome direct contact, including visits, and that we were open to contact with his extended family. He has never directly replied to this and we have never received any information about them.

However, because of a comment posted on our daughter’s birth mother’s Facebook wall, we learned the identity of his sister. A quick google search gave his her address, telephone number and the  names of her husband and children. I did nothing with this information except tuck it away to give to my daughter when she is much older.

But here is the quirk…

We are moving from Switzerland to the Chicago area at the end of the year. We have already purchased a house. After the purchase, I remembered about the sister’s address (she also lives in the Chicago area) and decided to look it up on Google maps out of curiosity.

Turns out she lives in the next town over.

In fact, her house is within walking distance of our house. Although it is the next town over, the grocery stores near our house are closer to her than the grocery stores in her town.

Our children may end up playing at the same park or joining the same activities at the local Parks & Rec department. (Her youngest child is less than 2 years older than our daughter and less than a year older than our son.)

I have no idea what information, if any, the birth father has shared with her. I would recognize her name if we were to ever meet, but have no idea if she would recognize mine. We have shared our new address with the birth father, but do not know if he has told his family.

If I were to ever meet her, what should I do? Introduce myself and explain how I am the adoptive mother of her niece? Or just remain silent about the connection?

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The birth mother has said several times that the birth father’s family wanted contact through the open adoption, but that she would never allow it because they were mean to her during the pregnancy and they do not deserve to know how the baby is. (Which surprised me as it really isn’t her decision!)

I have an issue with this for a couple of reasons.

First off, it’s not about her. It’s not about me. It’s not about the aunt or grandmother. It is about our daughter, who will likely want to know her birth father’s family. She is currently 8 months old and I think it is better to start now rather than wait until she is older if that is at all possible. Especially as they have indicated they would like to have contact.

Secondly, the birth father is in the military and is about to leave for Iraq. He’s in the Infantry. Not to be morbid, but that has a much higher risk of death. What if he doesn’t come back? We have never met any of his family and do not know their names. His last name is very common, so finding them if he is dead would be very difficult.

We have had no direct contact with him since the adoption was finalized, by his own wish. But we do have his e-mail address, or at least the e-mail address he used at that time. My thought was I could e-mail him and ask him if he wanted us to have contact with his family. Or, if not, if we could at least have their names to save until our daughter is older so she could locate them at that time.

Through a quirk of fate, we have just discovered we are being transferred from Europe, where we have been living for 4 years, back to the United States. Coincidentally, to the same city where the birth father is originally from. (And presumably where his family still lives.) So direct contact would be much easier than it currently is.

We would like to have more direct contact with our children’s birth families, but are treading carefully.

Part of the reason why the birth mother selected us originally when we adopted our son (our children have the same birth mother, different birth fathers) is that we lived in Europe and she was happy that would limit the contact simply due to the distance. I have already e-mailed her to inform her of the move and to ask if she would like to establish an agreement for regular visits. We have not heard back from her.

We are also concerned that if we develop contact with the birth father’s family it would alienate her and we would lose that contact, which we strongly feel is important for both of our children.

We aren’t certain how to proceed and would really like the advice of those who have “been there/done that.”

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2. I get anxious when the first families contact us. Is this normal?
3. How do I tell my daughter that our family friends are her birth family?

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2. How can we get our son's birthfather to accept the adoption?
3. How do I heal a misunderstanding? Or should I let things go?

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So…that leaves me to this quandry…do I try to explain to her WHY we may have come across “guarded” or “uncomfortable” at first? Which, of course, would bring up the topic of the birthfather’s parents and what they put us through for the first 18months of the adoption. Which I don’t want to get into now…I already have in previous posts. She probably already suspects that his parents caused problems for us because she subtly tried to warn us before the birth of our daughter. I just don’t want her to think we don’t want communication from her…I actually would like to hear more from her.

Or…do I not bring this up at all and just remain deligent in my e-mails to her and continue to set up our annual visit, hoping that, in time, she will see that we are quite comfortable with her and her family.

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We have had talks to him about this, but he continues to do it. He says it was not his choice that his son be adopted, but he was notified of the birth mother’s pregnancy and intention not to parent and was served with termination papers and he just didn’t show up. He didn’t visit the birth mother at all during her pregnancy, nor did he show up for the hearing. Our son did not see him for the first time until he was almost three and that is because we took him out of town for the visit (all the adoption coounselors kept telling us how important it would be for our son to know his birthfather, so we sought him out).

Since then the birthfather acts entitled to his role as our sons father or parent. Our son knows that he is his birthfather, but it seems like his birthfather wants our son to see him as a parent or as his “father” in the same way he sees my husband. I don’t think he ever wanted to raise him with the birthmother or to be a single parent, but I think he wishes that the birthmother had parented him as a single parent without financial help so that he could “claim” him and be the only seen as the “father”.

We think that if he keeps doing these things, he only cause confusion for our son and we are thinking of cutting off contact. Any advice would be appreciated.

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2. I get anxious when the first families contact us. Is this normal?

My little girl will be two this February. We rarely hear from the birthmother (unless she is replying to my e-mail)….but the birthfather and …well…mostly his parents contact us pretty regularly. Which is OK. I understand why. But I always get a “pang” of anxiety in my gut whenever I see their name on an e-mail or receive yet another package in the mail. I just was curious if this is common and/or will it go away.

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