Open Adoption Support » advice

How do I create a relationship with my grandson’s adoptive parents?

Anonymous — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:06:46 +0000

My grandson was born this year. My son was not allowed to participate in the adoption process or meet his son before the adoptive parents took him home. A couple of months after my grandson’s birth we were allowed to meet the adoptive parents and my grandson. He is beautiful and we feel blessed that he has such wonderful parents. I am grieving what I expected my experience would be when I finally had the grandchildren I so look forward to. Yet, I am grateful for the contact that we have with my grandson. I am having a hard time making sure
that the adoptive parents understand that we would love to see him any time they are willing to let us see him without seeming too pushy. I don’t want them to feel put upon. Also, do I call myself “grandma?” I don’t want to step on any toes.

BTW birth mom is not aware of our contact. They are trying to make sure everyone who is important to my grandson is a part of his life. Her wishes are that we don’t have contact. We live in a small community so it is a bit hairy. Any advice would be welcome.

How do I do an independent adoption?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:08:47 +0000

Hi, I have been trying for 8 years to get pregnant and I have not had the best of luck. My husband and I have decided to adopt but I would like to go through a birth mother insteaad of an aagency. I have no problem with agencies but I would like to have a personal one on one experience with the birth mom and family. Can anyone give me any advice on where to look or how I would go about doing this. I don’t want to place an ad for adoption. Plus, I don’t even know if thats legal. Please help!!!!

Is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without my birthson in it?

Anonymous — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 13:19:49 +0000

I am the birthmom to a 13 month old little boy who’s family lives out of state. I am wondering how to distance myself without creating problems? In the first few months and even up to the first year I think it was really important for me to receive photos and updates and be as involved as possible with his family. However, I am beginning to feel like I need to distance myself. I feel like I need to find my identity apart from the title “birthmom”. I want to be a part of his life but I feel like he shouldn’t be such an integral part of mine.

It is too hard when I meet new people and have to explain to them who this mystery child is in all my photos, and having this desire to talk about things that he is doing but having to tell the stories from a third person viewpoint, etc.

These feelings have been pushing their way out for awhile now and a perfect example is my emotional response to the last post about photo
updates. The comments about the girls who did not want their photos shared with their first family really shook me up. The thought that my son could grow up without the connection to me that I feel I have to him. It is a very real possibility that he could grow up and feel like I am a stranger (especially living out of state where we’ve only been able to have one visit). I feel like I need to protect my own heart now by lessening my attachment to him. I don’t know if that is even possible but I feel like if something were to happen right now (or ever) to where contact was cut off with him (without me having a decision in it) it would absolutely break me. And that scares me. The threat of potential rejection all over again makes me want to withdraw.

Would it be best to stick it out and let things unfold as they may, or is it ok to take a step back for awhile and try to define my life without him in it? Is it even possible to make that separation mentally as a birthmom? Would it hurt him to know that I had to go for a time without contact with his family? Will his parents welcome openness when I decide I’m ready again? How long is too long, how much is too much? Ah, so many questions! Any advice? Sorry this is so jumbled. SO much to think about and consider.

Our daughter’s birth parents recently separated and visits are now awkward. Any advice?

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 13:15:19 +0000

Our daughter is 3 1/2. We have an open adoption with her birth family. Our visits have been every 3 months with birth Mom, Dad and 1/2 sister. We love them and are thankful every day for our “blessing”. Recently they have separated. Today was our first visit since the separation and it was eventually a great visit, but it was uncomfortable for me, I felt like I was in the middle. They did not talk to each other through out the visit. Should we offer to have separate visits for them? and if so how often. We try to keep a balance in our daughters life and I cannot see 8 visits/year either separate or scheduled on the same day would be healthy for her. We don’t want to make them unconfortable with forced joint visits or make them uncomfortable by offering separate visits. Any advice?

I am jealous of my son’s birth mom, how do I navigate this?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 18:20:13 +0000

I am struggling with my feelings as an adoptive mom and would appreciate advice and support. My husband and I adopted our son at birth almost one year ago. I care about and like our son’s birth mom and I want to maintain a relationship with her. We have had visits with her 3 times since his birth. But I can’t help but feel jealous about having to share him with another mom, and ashamed and petty for feeling that way. She has been nothing but appropriate and well adjusted about the
whole situation, and I know I am the luckiest person in this arrangement. I get to be my son’s mom full time, but I guess I feel anxious about if he sees me as his mom and will continue to feel I am his mom as he grows up. I will do what is best for him despite my feelings, which means I will continue to forge a relationship with his birth mom and continue facilitating visits between the two of them. But I just don’t feel great about all of this the way other adoptive moms in open adoptions seem to. I don’t even know exactly how to articulate what I am feeling, but I think this fear of my son eventually seeing me as not really his mom could effect my bond with him. I think I might be holding back because I am afraid of being hurt. On the other hand, I love him so much and want to be with him all the time. I am going part time soon because I HATE leaving him with a babysitter. So far we have agreed to 4 visits a year and monthly photos and letters. Our birth mom contacts the adoption agency to arrange visits when she wants them, and I mail the photos and letters through the agency. Now we are wondering if we should just communicate directly with birth mom, but I am hesitant due to my anxiety about the unknown future. How do I navigate all of this?

My child’s mother just posted a suicide note on Facebook, what do I do?

Anonymous — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 21:39:10 +0000

Our children’s birth mother just posted a suicide note on Facebook.

We have not heard from her (other than her posts on Facebook, but nothing directly) since before Christmas. We do not have an address,
although she has told us what city she is living in/near. As long as she has not moved to another state again without telling us. We do not
have a telephone number.

She is currently estranged from her family. Her mother also does not have any way of contacting her and does not have an address or
telephone number.

I have sent her a message via Skype telling her to call me and that I am worried about her. We have also called the police in the city in
which she may (or may not) be. They are trying to locate her for a Well-Being Check.

Obviously, any advice you have will not help if she is in extreme crisis and has done something to end her life. Assuming the situation
is not as dire, moving forward — what should we do???

My head is whirling and I cannot catch my breath.

What do you do when you just don’t like your child’s biological family?

Anonymous — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 14:09:29 +0000

We are in an open adoption with our dd’s first parents. Our daughter is a toddler, so right now the contact is almost exclusively between the adults. We have had a couple of in-person visits, which were all very awkward and short. Most of our contact is through Facebook and text messaging.

We get along fine with our daughter’s first mother, who is a young adult and very sweet. The problem is our daughter’s first dad — he is still in a relationship with the mom and so is very much in the picture. He makes racist comments and frequently voices opinions about current events that we find personally and morally offensive. He is not someone I would seek to maintain contact with under any other circumstances. Because he is still living with our daughter’s mom, there is no way we can limit contact with him. I am at a point where it is starting to hurt our relationship with the mom, who really is a darling (but insecure) person. She will not end the relationship with him, and he will not change.

Any advice?

Should we push our son’s bmom to visit?

Anonymous — Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:06:07 +0000

Visits: We have an open adoption but have never had a visit. I think it took a while for DS’s bmom to know that we weren’t going to take him and run, plus getting over PND, grief etc. She has mentioned maybe having a visit when he’s at school age. It sounds like she’s afraid that she’ll upset him with her strong emotions (we’ll deal with it) and maybe just that it’ll make things hard for her again (can’t help with that). I feel sad that she’s completely missing out on seeing him all that time. I’m kind of torn on how much to remind her about it and how much to back off and wait. Any advice or suggestions?

Our first visit! Any advice?

Anonymous — Wed, 12 Jan 2011 16:45:39 +0000

My husband and I will be meeting our 8 month olds birthparents soon. This will be the first meeting with our son. The adoption was originally planned as a “Semi Open” with pictures and letters. However, they have contacted us through the agency and have asked for a more open adoption. I am excited to have this opportunity. I would love any tips and advice. I am really concerned about where to have our first meeting. I want our son’s birthparents to be completely comfortable. I want them to be able to relax and enjoy their time. I feel like a museum is not a good place for a first meeting. If they want to get on the floor and crawl with him I want them to be able to do that. Also, we have an older son (7 years) what are some thoughts on including him? Thank you.

Any advice from Adopted parents on how I might forge relationship with my birthson’s adopted mother?

Anonymous — Sat, 08 Jan 2011 20:47:19 +0000

As a birthfather, It appears I am in the minority as far as the responses on this blog. My situation was a little different in that my son’s adoption was closed. I would have loved the idea of being able to share in some aspect of my sons life. His adoption happened because of the fact that I loved him more than anything in this world. To be able to give your child the opportunity for a better life, is the purest, most unselfish love that exists. I did not get to share in his life, however six months ago was reunited with him via the internet. We have exchanged emails, texts and a few phone messages over the course of the last six months and I was able to meet him and his mother over the holidays. What a beautiful, amazing experience!

I have to say, the trepidations were plentiful. Not knowing what to say, when to say…or how to say it…became common for me.

You often hear about birthmoms and the adopted parents views…but seldom do you hear from birthfathers. Any advice from Adopted parents on how I might forge a healthy, new relationship with my birthson’s adopted mother? I appreciate any and all perspectives, as I wish for this to be healthy for all of us.