Open Adoption Support » adoptive parents

Any advice for hopeful adoptive parents at the hospital?

Anonymous — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 18:25:01 +0000

we have matched with a wonderful birthmom who is out of state. Wondering about the hospital experience and whether to bring our 6-year old b-child with us? about the logistics down to whether we buy a car seat here or in the birth moms home town? any advice about hospital/birth would be appreciated.

A question for birth mothers, would you be offended if your non-birth parent significant other wasn’t allowed to be part of the open adoption?

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:17:36 +0000

Question for Birth Moms – Assuming you are no longer in a relationship with the birth father of your child, how would you feel if the adoptive parents told you they didn’t want their child spending time with your significant other (even if you are now married). As an adoptive parent, I have not been faced with this dilemma yet but in talking to other adoptive parents who love their child’s birth mom, they have decided to only allow contact with her and not with her new husband. Their reasoning is that they want their child to build a relationship with her birth mom without complicating it with other people (they don’t have a particular issue with the new husband, they just want to focus on the birth mom right now). They only see the birth mom once a year for a few hours so they don’t want to have to share that time with her new husband or to explain who he is, etc., to their daughter. They have decided they will allow him to come if their daughter ever asks the birth mom whether she is married and if she expresses a desire to meet him. I don’t know how we’ll proceed when our child’s birth mom is married and wanted to get thoughts from birth moms. I get my friend’s reasoning but could also see how this could be perceived negatively by birth aprents.

How do I challenge this openness?

Anonymous — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 20:57:25 +0000

My “open” adoption in the recent months has taken on a life of it’s own. I placed my child through a private, religious agency, and was given little information on my rights, and the things I was able to request, or rather what I had rights to. I was strongly encouraged to end the openness at the age of 8. I agreed to it for a number of reasons; I was 18, and was very unsure of the whole situation, I had no idea what I should be asking, and no one was really on my side. I just did what I was told. His 8th birthday was this year.

I was contacted by the agency to set up a meeting regarding, what I thought was the openness. Turns out they were sitting me down to tell me that they had essentially decided that my son had a spectrum disorder that was entirely my fault. I questioned this diagnosis. I believe, had I not written one minor item in my health history, that they would have been led down a different path for his behavioral difficulties. Despite the fact that they have not followed proper protocol for getting this diagnosis, I have said nothing. I’ve since done my homework, and as I read more and more, I really truly believe they have made a mistake; a big one that will impact him for the rest of his life. I also realize that there is little I can do in this scenario, something that frustrates me, but I have accepted that the most I may be able to do is write a letter with my opinion.

At this same meeting, their adoption worker, strongly encouraged me to reconsider any further contact with them. Her words were, “At this age, the letters just end up being the same anyhow. They do the same things every year. Nothing new to report, really”. At the moment, all I get are pictures and a letter, once a year. I walked away from our meeting feeling like I was being told to walk away and disappear from the triad entirely. Something I was never prepared to do.

The adoptive family invited my family to attend a religious event for my son. I agreed to go; but once I agreed, the Adoptive Parents, who have told me they are open with my son regarding me and the adoption, told me that they would not introduce me as his birthmom, and they would not even use my name. I would simply be “Mommy’s friend”. Another situation that they said would never happen at any point. I bit my tongue, and I said okay. I just wanted a chance to see him, as I haven’t since he was 2.

I asked to bring a gift; I was told it would be fine, but that he would not get the gift that day, when everyone else would be giving him gifts. It would be opened separately, on it’s own, away from everyone else. That’s what essentially set me off to where I am now.

This, to me, is not open. This is not even a tad bit respectful to me in any way. I feel like I’m being forced out of the picture, that I’m not really wanted anymore.

How do I challenge this openness? Because nothing is in writing regarding our openness, especially now that we are past the original agreement, I feel like I am in a bad, bad place. I want to make it clear that I believe they should be getting further testing/diagnosis from a second opinion and that I believe that they owe him that simply because this will impact the quality of life he lives for the rest of his life. I also want to question the openness. I did not sign up for this sort of adoption- I truly don’t believe that they are being honest with him in terms of who I am, and where he came from, something I was adamant had to happen in order for the adoption to go forward. Furthermore, I feel that it’s not a huge stretch for me to think that I’m being completely disrespected here.

My question is- what do I do? I feel if I say nothing, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel if I say something, I could lose what little openness I have right now. I feel completely painted into a corner, with no means of climbing out. To say I feel helpless is a mild understatement.

How do I move on from placing my son when I wanted to keep him?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 14:51:02 +0000

Bear with me here, this could be long. I will summarize.

I am a teen mother, and when I got pregnant I was living with my parents still. When my mom found out I was pregnant, she immediately, without asking me first, set up an appointment for me to have an abortion 2 hours away. I ended up being too far along to have an abortion that day, since it was a Friday, and the abortion would be a two day procedure. So we went home. A day later, my mom told me that there was a couple that had had 3 miscarriages and could not adopt due to a tiny criminal record from years ago. Long story short, she (my mother) backed me into a corner, an impossible situation in which there was only one way to climb out, and that was giving away my baby to these people.

I was never given a chance to think and decide what I wanted to do. My entire pregnancy my mother lied to BOTH me and the adoptive parents many, many times. One lie that comes to mind is that the a mom wanted my mother to tell me specifically that she (a mom) absolutely DID NOT want to go through the adoption if I was even a little bit unsure, and she wanted the best for me. My mother told her that I was told, when I was not. Throughout my pregnancy I was subjected to being laughed at, mocked, screamed at; I was entertainment for my family. I had always had a difficult home life, and I am sure my mother has many psychological problems.

As soon as I had given birth, right then and there, felt that I wanted to keep my baby. I loved him more than anything in the world, but I kept quiet because that was what everyone wanted, including the hospital staff.

Fast forward 8 months, and I live with knowing every single day that I regret giving away my baby. I would have done everything possible to give my baby the life he deserves. The adoption is entirely open, but I live 600 miles away and haven’t seen my baby in 6 months. I haven’t told the adoptive parents how I feel. How am I supposed to move on from this when there is nothing I can do and all I want is to go back in time and have kept my baby?

How can we move forward with finalization?

Do I just stay quiet and live with the hurt? Where do I go from here?

Anonymous — Tue, 10 May 2011 22:30:52 +0000

I am a “birth” grandmother and am feeling hurt by some of the things that are said and done by the adoptive family of my granddaughter. My daughter does not say much at all so I don’t always know how she is feeling. I did try at one point to reach out to the adoptive parents about some of the things that I (and my daughter) were feeling and they reacted in an extremely defensive manner and I ended up apologizing to them because I did not want to take the chance that they would cut us off completely from seeing my granddaughter. This has not been easy and I know that the adoptive parents feel hurt too. The “professionals” have said that the lines of communication need to be and stay open between the families but I don’t feel this is the case in our situation. So, do I just stay quiet and live with the hurt? Where do I go from here? I do not have a support system but I continue to pray about it.

Explaining differences in openness to my daughters?

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 15:18:27 +0000

We are the proud adoptive parents of 2 wonderful little girls. Kendra is 3 & Christa is 18 months. They have different birth/ first moms. Kendra’s mom had a difficult childhood & said it was always confusing & difficult to have a lot of different adults coming & going in her life. Mom said that she would love letters & pictures, but felt like visits weren’t in Kendra’s best interest. Mom also said she wanted to make sure that Kendra knew that we were her parents, the people she had to answer to & deal with. Mom said if Kendra wanted to meet as an adult, she would be happy to meet, but not before. We assurred mom that if done right, visit could work & be an asset. Mom declined & we haven’t heard from her, although we do send pictures & letters regularly.

Christa’s mom initially had much the same idea. The plan started changing almost the second Christa was born & has evolved into an open adoption with periodic visits. The problem is that initially we didn’t include Kendra in these family visits, but since there is a half-sibling that Kendra’s age, and making other arrangements for Kendra was another level of complexity, it has become a whole family affair. It seems to be working.

The catch is that Kendra, a bright 3 year old, has started asking questions. Specifically “I’ve met Christa’s birthmom, why haven’t I met mine?” Luckily, she didn’t seem upset when she asked, but it did catch us of guard. It wasn’t even around a visit & seemed to come out of the blue. We told her maybe someday we can see her. While it is true, we extend invites to her her & they may meet when Kendra is an adult, it seems unlikely that she will meet her in the near future. We don’t want to stretch the truth and just want to do what is best for Kendra. How would others approach this?

They closed the adoption but I’m reaching out. What do I say? How do I cope?

Anonymous — Fri, 18 Mar 2011 10:57:17 +0000

When I was 16, I got pregnant.

I was raised well by my single mother. My moral character was as good as any other teenager. I never touched drugs, cigarettes, or alcohol. I had a good academic foundation, but could have done much better than I did in high school at the time.

My Mom said she’d support no other decision than adoption. I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have an abortion. I didn’t have confidence in my own ability to finish high school while working and supporting myself. We contacted a non-profit adoption agency, who found a temporary foster home for me, assigned a case worker, and gave me letters of introduction from potential adoptive parents to review. All I knew was that I would keep the promise I made to my best friend in first grade to name my first born child Nicole, after her. She is still my best friend, 30 years later.

I didn’t find any couples that I liked, in 7 months of reading letters. I had read through every letter, more than once, and there were no other candidates left. I began to talk to relatives about the possibility of getting help in raising my daughter myself. I knew I would be a good mother, but I didn’t know how to provide for her
material needs.

Another batch of letters arrived, and I found them. I loved them right away. Their letters were so intimate. They were well educated. They wrote well. They were loving toward each other. They had good lives, and active relationships with their whole family. They wanted an open adoption.

I told the agency I wanted to meet them. The agency felt that was unusual, but forwarded my request. “Couple X” agreed to meet. We met at the agency. We had another meeting and had dinner together. We had another meeting and shopped for baby gear. I truly loved the idea of these wonderful people becoming part of my extended family, and giving my daughter all the attention and opportunity that a child of a single mother would struggle without.

Couple X asked me what name I would give my daughter. I told them I hadn’t worked out the details yet, but I had some ideas. They said they would like to name her Kelsey Nicole. It was perfect, so I named her that.

She was born 3/9/93, at 9:07, and weighed 7 lbs, 9 oz. It’s special how her ‘numbers’ are all reflective. Mrs. X took photos of my mother, Kelsey, and myself. They came out very blurry.

I kept her in the room with me as much as I could, knowing it was the only time we’d get together as parent and child. The hospital gave me some drugs to prevent milk production. I was surprised at how strong the urge was to nurse her. She would make the softest, sweetest sounds you can imagine. I would hold my breath so I could hear them.

A couple days later it was time to go. I changed her 3 times in the hour before it was time. I put her in the outfit I had picked out with Couple X. My mother brought me Shel Silverstein’s “The Giving Tree” to give to her. I wrote something that felt completely inadequate, and set it next to her. I couldn’t feel my arms or my
legs coming out of the hospital. I don’t remember whether it was sunny.

A month later I was 2000 miles away, living with relatives, finishing high school. I got straight A’s. Couple X sent a letter or two with photos, and I was happy. I sent a letter or two, but I don’t remember whether I sent photos. If I didn’t, I should have.

While on spring break from school, I came to visit my Mother. I asked for a visit with Kelsey, and Couple X agreed. We met at the adoption agency and I watched her play with blocks and asked Mrs. X vague questions about how little Kelsey was doing. It was a nice visit. I was so glad to have an open adoption.

I went back to school, graduated, and started as a freshman at Syracuse University. Spring break came around, and I requested another visit. We hadn’t exchanged as much communication. We were both busy. They agreed again, and we met at Catholic Charities.

Mrs. X brought a baby, but it wasn’t Kelsey. Kelsey was 3, and this was an infant. I was confused, but made pleasant hello’s. We sat down in the play room with Kelsey’s new sister. Mrs. X explained that they had a long custody battle with Kelsey’s birth father. I had not had contact with him since leaving home to finish school. The adoption agency had not mentioned it to me. It was a very sad surprise. Mrs. X said all had been settled and they were able to finalize Kelsey’s adoption. I was happy to hear that, but where is Kelsey? Mrs. X looked grave, and told me she and Mr. X would like a closed adoption.

I blinked, and tears came. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. Mrs. X went on to say that Kelsey was a very strong willed toddler and they had serious concerns about maintaining an appropriate relationship with a birth parent. I couldn’t stop the tears. I was trying so hard to be mature and composed, but I just couldn’t stop
crying. I wanted to say something intelligent and reassure them that I would never harm Kelsey’s well being. I couldn’t form words. My mouth stopped working. I wanted to tell them that they were in charge, and I would respect their boundaries. I couldn’t speak.

Mrs. X felt terrible. I could see that in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. She didn’t want to hurt me. She invited me to come see Kelsey at her preschool. I desperately wanted to. I imagined seeing her playing with friends, and knew immediately that I couldn’t keep it together. Of all the memories I wanted to make with Kelsey, I didn’t want that one, no matter what the cost. I didn’t want her only memory of me to be some hysterical woman in a parking lot.

Since then, I’ve thought of her every day. I’m 35 now. Nicole sends me flowers on every 3/9. I graduated, worked a while, went back to grad school, finished and got married, worked a while, bought our first house, got a professional certificate, and am still working. We’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years. He is fine, according to the analysis, but for some reason I’m not getting pregnant.

I made my decision to surrender my child on the expectation that I would still be allowed some relationship with her. I never gave them any cause to believe I had any interest in taking her back. I struggle with feeling used. I struggle with anger and regret. I disbelieve the assurance that Kelsey would be raised knowing she was adopted. I fear that either by design or otherwise, Kelsey may have a skewed, unfavorable image of the person I was, and a poor assumption of the person I must be.

Kelsey just turned 18. It’s never gotten easier. When I think about that last meeting with Mrs. X, I still can’t speak. I still cry uncontrollably. It is not healing.

During one of the meetings with Couple X while I was still pregnant, I glanced their last name and address on an envelope they took pictures from to show me. Having spent my adult life working with computers, I’ve become very internet savvy. Without their knowledge or consent, I’ve learned some things. I know where they work. I’ve seen photos of the entire family, including Kelsey. I’ve been to their social networking profile pages. You Tube has adorable videos of a teenager
who looks just like me, being a happy, well adjusted kid, having a great life. Thanks to poor web security, I even have Kelsey’s cell phone number.

I tell myself it isn’t invasive if I don’t contact them. I try to be happy just knowing that she is ok, and even thriving. I don’t plan to contact them directly. I have contacted the adoption agency and requested that they ask Couple X if they would be willing to communicate. The counselor asked how I would prefer to communicate. I responded that any form would do, even smoke signals or carrier pigeon. I don’t know what I would say, but I don’t know if I will get
the chance either. The counselor seemed doubtful she’d be able to locate them. She knows of one of their 2 moves. I will help her if she runs into a dead end.

I have an appointment with a regular counselor next week. Regardless of what happens with Couple X, I need to work these feelings out. I was betrayed. It is agony to have a child out in the world and not have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what my questions are. What questions should I have? I have about a hundred. Were Couple X ever counseled to delay shutting me out? The counselor asked what she should say if they ask what I want, and why I’m contacting them now. What appalling questions!What do they think I want? I want what they promised me, an open adoption. I have waited and respected their silence ever since they closed the adoption.

Somehow, I’m more composed when actually speaking with the counselor at the adoption agency. I fully believe I will avoid being adversarial. I just need this group’s wisdom to help me though, with or without communication with Kelsey.

Can somebody tell me where I can find the studies that say open adoption is best for the child?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 Feb 2011 03:06:53 +0000

Can somebody tell me where I can find the studies that say open adoption is best for the child? My husband & I are adoptive parents who recently sought professional counsel as we were struggling with our birthfamily relationships. The counsellor cited the ‘confusion theory’ and said we should close contact. I would like to present the other side of the story but whenever I look for these studies about open adoption, all I find is one study done in the 90′s with 20 families. Certainly there are more than that!

How do I stay positive when my son’s parents are shutting down contact?

Anonymous — Sun, 30 Jan 2011 13:04:09 +0000

How do I stay positive when it seems that my sons adoptive parents are trying to shut me out of there lives?

I’ve tried to just accept that pictures might not be coming anymore, but it’s very scary for me to think that.

It’s been nearly three months since I last saw some Face book pictures, and I know there have to have been some taken during the holiday season especially.
My sons adoptive mom has stated that there have been technical difficulties, but then she changed her profile picture to one of her daughter(born to her).
No picture/s of our son at all.
It was starting to get to me, so I asked as nicely as possible and got an angry response.
I think this might be the end, next my son adoptive mom might take me off her Face book. It makes me feel like my insides are dieing.
How do I still find hope?

Do I need to make gifts even?

Anonymous — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 19:24:57 +0000

There is a discussion thread on another adoption forum about gifts from birth families. Namely, what to do if you don’t have any. Especially if you have two adopted children and one gets them routinely and the other gets none. Some adoptive parents have started to purchase gifts for the child who doesn’t normally receive any and say it was sent from the birth family in order to ease the upset that happens at every gift giving occasion.

Right now our children are too young to care about gifts, but our older child has already received several gifts from his birth family while our daughter has received none. I fear it may eventually become an issue.

But I hesitate to purchase gifts in the birth family’s name because at it’s root it is dishonest. (And before someone goes there: Yes, Santa Clause is also technically “dishonest,” but in a very different way.)

What do others do/feel about this issue?