As a birthmom I think I have this need to see the parents I choose as pretty much perfect. Actually personally almost everyone seems perfect compared to me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others because we are all so unique but its hard not to because I just want to know if I'm 'normal'. Reading these blogs of adoptive parents is revealing to me that they too have insecurities. I am starting to realize that people are not perfect and that is ok. I worry too much about what people think of birthmothers. Not me personally but just the idea. What would come to the mind of a single mom if I told her I gave up the chance to parent? Could we still be friends? Maybe, unlikely. I wish that I could understand why people are so afraid of the very idea of a birthmom but are very sympathic to adoptive parents. To me its like people like to believe in heaven but the fact of hell is unthinkable. To me you can't have one without the other. Gee... I hope that the site doesn't think I meant to swear...lol. I am beginning to realize that adoptive parents weren't neccessarily prepared for parenting. Maybe they didn't feel like they could take a parenting course if they weren't sure they would get a child, maybe they didn't buy any baby stuff for the same reason. In my mind before I even choose the parents for my birthchild I had this idea in my head that their are dozens of people with completely done nurseries who have finished five or six parenting courses and are just more than ready to parent. The truth is that there are couples who dream of parenting but don't actually have to courage to prepare until they get that phone call. They are all just people. I worry that because of all the scary stories of birthmother with addiction problem or mental health problems or just relational and stability problems that probably the vast majority of birthmothers who are living clean, responsible and healthy lives, like me, will be put into a stigma that isn't right!! I want people to know that birthmothers can be, and most of the time are good people!!

Most people when they think of adoption and open adoption they think about how the adoptive parents have to accept the reality of a birthfamily. From my point of view it also come from the birthfamily too. I am very encouraged by the fact that my own mom seems to have accepted the decision I made to place instead of parent. For the first year or so it seemed that she was afraid to even put a picture or two out. She has never heistated to frame almost any picture of anyone in my whole life. Her walls are covered with pictures EVERYWHERE so it hurt my feelings a little that she couldn't accept my choice at first. Now, I think since she had the chance to visit with the parents I choose she feels that they are a part of our family now. I know that most parents who adopt think that just one person is joining there family but in the minds of birthfamilies it is them that is joining the family. Maybe the whole world is just one big happy family. I know thats too liberal and impossible. I wonder if it would offend the parents I choose to know that my mom considers them are part of our family. I hope that they would possibly consider my family as part of theres, even just in thought but not pratice. We are all just people. Nothing to really be afraid of.

There is a single copy of my son's original birth certificate in the fire-safe box in my office. Because both of his first parents continue to be part of his life he also has access to whatever information they will share with him about his origins.

For awhile I thought that was enough. I thought that the openness in our adoption negated his personal need for open records. If he had his first parents in his life in the flesh, why would he need to see their names on a piece of paper? Open records would just give him access to information that he already had, and while I supported open records in principle I was grateful my little guy didn't need them. I thought it was ridiculous that the state sealed those records, but ultimately unimportant.

Then I started thinking about his life as an adult. And I thought about trying to nurture openness in his adoption. And I realized open records were actually very important.

At the most basic level, I believe my son has a civil right to the legal record of his birth. As an adult he should be able to contact the State of California and receive copies of both of his birth certificates--original and amended. The fact that he cannot is simple discrimination. He shouldn't have to rely on my fire-safe box or on his first parents' willingness to share information with him. There is already quite a bit of informal privilege denied adopted persons. But this denial is codified into state law. And, as an adoptive parent, that pisses me off.

I also began to see how sealing records works against those of us advocating for open adoption. They are simply an outdated and unwarranted part of adoption. Closed records arose in most states within my parents' lifetime. (Closed records--available to no one--are distinguished from confidential records, which are available to involved parties but not the general public.) They were premised on the idea that adopted children needed to be protected from the wayward parents who conceived them and the stigma of illegitimacy. First parents needed to hide their shameful secret from prying eyes. Adoptive parents needed to be able to pretend they were a biological family. Sealing birth records provided a legal framework for all these purposes.

Maintaining closed records perpetuates those stigmas and, in doing so, works against open adoption. Closed records play into the fiction that there is something shameful in adoptees' pasts, something which needs to be hidden away for everyone's protection. They reinforce the idea that first parents should disappear into the shadows after relinquishment if they know what's best for them and their child. They suggest to adoptive parents that the only way to be their child's real parent is to see themselves as replacements for the biological parents. Those are baneful ideas in open adoption.

Keeping records closed perpetuates the myth that open adoption is a fringe movement, flirting with the potentially dangerous idea of not cutting adoptees off from their families of origin. Closed records and the system built around them are why so many people ask, "Isn't it confusing?" and "Doesn't it make you nervous?" when they hear about open adoption. Because they've picked up the notion that the only way adoption can really work is to erase one family completely and create another in its place, shrouded in secrecy and anonymity.

So I advocate for open records for two reasons: because adult adoptees are being denied their rights and because I care about open adoption. The openness in my son's adoption doesn't change the fact that the State of California still treats him as a second-class citizen. And there are far too many others--including his first mom, also an adoptee--who have neither the openness nor the access. That is wholly unfair.

(Originally posted here.)

My ex is pregnant and giving our son up for adoption. How do I stop this and get custody of our son??

(note from Dawn: The poster of this question is in Oregon so if you have answers specific to his state, please share it.)

HeatherS' Half-formed Thought really got me thinking - cross-posting my reaction, originally posted here, with a couple of minor edits for clarity.

To read the full post, go to my blog Vindauga. Mal is my 15 year old daughter, Mallory. Noelle is her first mother. I write about our adoption with both their blessing.