Adoptive Family Members

Soo excited!!

cindy.psbm — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:46:36 -0500

So I got a message from my birthchilds adoptive mom and they are coming to my city this weekend and want to meet with me!! I am really excited!! I thought the message was a little weird. She (adoptive mom) asked if I would be 'around' on the weekend. I have no idea what thats supposed to mean. I'm not going anywhere, I have no life. Anyways, I'd do whatever it takes to meet with them! Even if I had plans I would just cancel them, theres nothing more important that seeing the pride and joy I gave birth too 32 months ago.

First Families

Looking for a specific study

dawn — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:10:16 -0500

I have seen a few references to and snippets from to a new study "Bridging the Divide: Openness in Adoption and Post-adoption Psychosocial Adjustment among Birth and Adoptive Parents" Journal of Family Psychology, (possibly not published yet) 2008

If anyone has access to the full study, I would be interested in reading it and it looks like it would be of interest to most of our members.

I was able to find the study here: here at the Pittsburgh Mother & Child Project page. You can download the study right here as a .pdf file.

Adoptive Family Members

curiousity

cindy.psbm — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 19:35:57 -0500

So I just want to ask a question or two about the emotions of an adoptive mom. Would you rather that the birth/first mom of your adopted child actually not love her child? Does it bother you to think about the fact that she(first/birth mom) gestated and gave birth and is biologically connected to your adopted child and you are not? Would you rather not know or hear a birth/first mom talk about her experience of pregnancy and birth? Does it make you feel less of a mom to see that you adopted child has traits that you do not but that the birth/first family does? Are you ever afraid that the biological connection between the first/birth family will be stronger than your connection through nuturering? Do you want to see the birth/first mom and or family(even though there are capable) as incapable of raising your adopted child so you feel more validated in your role as a parent?

I want the most honest answers to this. I know these are tough questions. Feel free to tell me whatever you need too.

Adoptive Family Members

How do I heal a misunderstanding? Or should I let things go?

dawn — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 21:46:43 -0500

The birthfather told my husband and I that he and the birthmother got the distinct impression from us that we were not comfortable with them or any contact from them. It, of course, hasn't stopped him or his parents... but it kinda opened my eyes to why the birthmother never contacts us, and rarely responds to e-mails.

So...that leaves me to this quandry...do I try to explain to her WHY we may have come across "guarded" or "uncomfortable" at first? Which, of course, would bring up the topic of the birthfather's parents and what they put us through for the first 18months of the adoption. Which I don't want to get into now...I already have in previous posts. She probably already suspects that his parents caused problems for us because she subtly tried to warn us before the birth of our daughter. I just don't want her to think we don't want communication from her...I actually would like to hear more from her.

Or...do I not bring this up at all and just remain deligent in my e-mails to her and continue to set up our annual visit, hoping that, in time, she will see that we are quite comfortable with her and her family.

Adoptive Family Members

perceptions

cindy.psbm — Thu, 15 May 2008 14:30:10 -0500

As a birthmom I think I have this need to see the parents I choose as pretty much perfect. Actually personally almost everyone seems perfect compared to me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others because we are all so unique but its hard not to because I just want to know if I'm 'normal'. Reading these blogs of adoptive parents is revealing to me that they too have insecurities. I am starting to realize that people are not perfect and that is ok. I worry too much about what people think of birthmothers. Not me personally but just the idea. What would come to the mind of a single mom if I told her I gave up the chance to parent? Could we still be friends? Maybe, unlikely. I wish that I could understand why people are so afraid of the very idea of a birthmom but are very sympathic to adoptive parents. To me its like people like to believe in heaven but the fact of hell is unthinkable. To me you can't have one without the other. Gee... I hope that the site doesn't think I meant to swear...lol. I am beginning to realize that adoptive parents weren't neccessarily prepared for parenting. Maybe they didn't feel like they could take a parenting course if they weren't sure they would get a child, maybe they didn't buy any baby stuff for the same reason. In my mind before I even choose the parents for my birthchild I had this idea in my head that their are dozens of people with completely done nurseries who have finished five or six parenting courses and are just more than ready to parent. The truth is that there are couples who dream of parenting but don't actually have to courage to prepare until they get that phone call. They are all just people. I worry that because of all the scary stories of birthmother with addiction problem or mental health problems or just relational and stability problems that probably the vast majority of birthmothers who are living clean, responsible and healthy lives, like me, will be put into a stigma that isn't right!! I want people to know that birthmothers can be, and most of the time are good people!!

First Families

regret?

cindy.psbm — Sat, 10 May 2008 01:01:41 -0500

When I think about my birthchilds life now and my life it is not a question of whether I should have parented or placed but whether I should have choosen the family I did. The family I choose now has a child that was born to them and it is obvious that they favor this new person. I don't think they even realize they do. My worst fear as a birthmom is not that the parents I choose will close the relationship we sometimes have but whether or not they actually 'want' to parent my birthchild. I have only learned now that I could have had so much help to parent but I am embrassed to admit that I had to much pride to accept any help. I imagine sometimes what my birthchilds and my life would be like now if I had choosen a different family. There was a family the birthfather and I considered before deciding on the parents and I know because of a agency newletter that this family did succeed in adopting their second child but I think they waited far too long. I sometimes wish I could have choosen them then their wait and the ages of their children would be much closer and my birthchild would have had an 'adoptive' sibling. Something I wanted and expected, but then my birthchilds parents did not expect to have a child born to them. I really wonder sometimes if they wish that I hadn't choosen them at all now that they have a child born to them. That might seem crazy....but I am human and am allowed to have doubts.

First Families

acceptance

cindy.psbm — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:16:03 -0500

Most people when they think of adoption and open adoption they think about how the adoptive parents have to accept the reality of a birthfamily. From my point of view it also come from the birthfamily too. I am very encouraged by the fact that my own mom seems to have accepted the decision I made to place instead of parent. For the first year or so it seemed that she was afraid to even put a picture or two out. She has never heistated to frame almost any picture of anyone in my whole life. Her walls are covered with pictures EVERYWHERE so it hurt my feelings a little that she couldn't accept my choice at first. Now, I think since she had the chance to visit with the parents I choose she feels that they are a part of our family now. I know that most parents who adopt think that just one person is joining there family but in the minds of birthfamilies it is them that is joining the family. Maybe the whole world is just one big happy family. I know thats too liberal and impossible. I wonder if it would offend the parents I choose to know that my mom considers them are part of our family. I hope that they would possibly consider my family as part of theres, even just in thought but not pratice. We are all just people. Nothing to really be afraid of.

First Families

How do I start a search?

dawn — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:42:02 -0600

I know where I was born, where my adoption was completed and even my birth mothers name. I have written letters to the courts and all I get is the run around. The state i was born in says they have no non-identifying information on me that i should contact the state adoption was completed in. I contacted then and they said they have nothing and sent me back to the birth state. What can I do next? I dont have the money to hire an attorney to have my records unsealed or to hire a private investigator

Adoptive Family Members

How do I talk to my child about adoption?

dawn — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 13:26:40 -0600

How do I tell my little girl about her adoption? I'm thinking about writing and illustrating a bedtime story that is all about her adoption. When I mentioned this to the counsellor at the adoption agency, she seemed hesitant and told me that I had to be very careful about what words I used so not as to reflect badly on her birthparents. Which now has me, well, having writer's block.

Any ideas? (By the way...she's only 21 months old, but my goal is to have the story done before she turns 2.)

Adoptive Family Members

We are having difficulties establishing boundaries with my daughter's fraternal birth grandparents.

dawn — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 11:30:06 -0600

We are having difficulties establishing boundaries with my daughter's fraternal birth grandparents. We have an open adoption in which we promised the birthmother and the birthfather that we would send periodic updates via e-mail and set up a visit once a year. The birthfather's parents do not like this agreement, and instead have tried their best to force themselves into our lives. They have found out where we live, and where we go to church. They want to have frequent visits (any time they want, but at least weekly) They even told us they would become members of our church so they could come find us every week in church. They decided (even though we asked them not to) that they want both our kids to call them "Grandma" and "Grandpa" and have been sending gifts to both of our children signed and even sometimes monogrammed with those names. I am absolutely overwrought with anxiety about what these people have said, done, and plan to do! We have our annual "scheduled" visit coming up Thanksgiving Weekend. I am absolutely dreading it!!!!! We have asked the birthfather to meet with my husband and I the day before the visit, so that we could "clear up a few things". The thing is, this birthfather is a good kid ....and we don't want to upset him. We are eternally grateful to he and the birthmother for choosing us to be her parents....however....we NEED HIS PARENTS TO BACK OFF!!!!! Any suggestions on how to accomplish this while preserving our relationship with the birthfather would be GREATLY appreciated!

Adoptive Family Members

What do I do when my values about safety are different than my child's first family?

dawn — Tue, 06 Nov 2007 08:58:50 -0600

My son spent the night with his paternal grandparents (his first father’s parents) at their cabin. As they were loading him into the car they were talking about riding ATV’s. I don’t want my 5 year old on an ATV with a 70 year old with heart problems, probably without a helmet. I was caught off guard and didn’t want to offend them so I bit my
tongue and worried and prayed for the past 24 hours. What should I do?

I'm not terribly close to them. We have totally different religous, political views. I have no real relationship with their son (my son's first father)either. I'm scared they will think I am commie pinko dirty hippie co-sleeper who doesn't like ATV's to begin with- which is true. But more than that I really am concerend for my son's safety. I don't want to damage what is a cordial, though not deep relationship. These are my son's people and I want to do all I can to support their relationship with him.

Ideas?

Adoptive Family Members

How do we write a pro-openness adoption profile?

dawn — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 15:19:44 -0500

I'd be interested in seeing more information for potential adoptive parents in the process of writing their profiles/"Dear Expectant Parent" letters. My spouse and I are working on our profile right now and looking for advice on how to convey our desire for openness.

Adoptive Family Members

Priceless

Thirdmom — Sun, 15 Jul 2007 10:26:18 -0500

HeatherS' Half-formed Thought really got me thinking - cross-posting my reaction, originally posted here, with a couple of minor edits for clarity.

International Adoption

Half-formed Thought

heather — Sat, 14 Jul 2007 14:39:20 -0500

(Cross-posted from Production, Not Reproduction. T is my husband, Puppy is my son, K is his first mom.)

Adoptive Family Members

More Than a Vacation

Lisa V — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 21:49:37 -0500

To read the full post, go to my blog Vindauga. Mal is my 15 year old daughter, Mallory. Noelle is her first mother. I write about our adoption with both their blessing.

Adoption Reform