First Families

Looking for a specific study

dawn — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 19:10:16 -0500

I have seen a few references to and snippets from to a new study "Bridging the Divide: Openness in Adoption and Post-adoption Psychosocial Adjustment among Birth and Adoptive Parents" Journal of Family Psychology, (possibly not published yet) 2008

If anyone has access to the full study, I would be interested in reading it and it looks like it would be of interest to most of our members.

I was able to find the study here: here at the Pittsburgh Mother & Child Project page. You can download the study right here as a .pdf file.

Adoptive Family Members

Do first grandparents have rights?

dawn — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 18:47:39 -0500

I am a biological Grandmother. Our sons girlfriend had a child a few months back but abondoned the baby at the hospital. My son did not want it either. The childrens aid ask if we wanted to raise the child, unfortunately we are in our 60's and with some major health issues. We agreed to let the baby be adopted, but, also, that we remain as it Grandparents. We were told that they had found a couple who agreed to allow us to visit with our grandchild, but this has since turned into a nightmare for us. We were only given visits of an hour or so every few months, with the new parents always there. My question is this,: Does anyone out there have any idea's on how we can get more visiting time and is it legal for the new parents to make up such a hard schedule for us.

First Families

How can I find more positive support from other first parents?

dawn — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 20:13:13 -0500

I have had an open adoption for the past 17 years and have had a hard time finding people who understand what it feels like to place a baby for adoption. I just am wondering if others feel so isolated. I am proud of my decision and how my birthdaughter is growing up to be such an incredible young lady- better than anything I would have been able to help her become. My parents are supportive as is my husband but that leaves out an awful lot of people. I don't need everyone to understand or support me but I would love to be able to talk to others about how much adoption has affected them and hopefully positively. I always find the negative folks or experiences. Thanks.

First Families

perceptions

cindy.psbm — Thu, 15 May 2008 14:30:10 -0500

As a birthmom I think I have this need to see the parents I choose as pretty much perfect. Actually personally almost everyone seems perfect compared to me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others because we are all so unique but its hard not to because I just want to know if I'm 'normal'. Reading these blogs of adoptive parents is revealing to me that they too have insecurities. I am starting to realize that people are not perfect and that is ok. I worry too much about what people think of birthmothers. Not me personally but just the idea. What would come to the mind of a single mom if I told her I gave up the chance to parent? Could we still be friends? Maybe, unlikely. I wish that I could understand why people are so afraid of the very idea of a birthmom but are very sympathic to adoptive parents. To me its like people like to believe in heaven but the fact of hell is unthinkable. To me you can't have one without the other. Gee... I hope that the site doesn't think I meant to swear...lol. I am beginning to realize that adoptive parents weren't neccessarily prepared for parenting. Maybe they didn't feel like they could take a parenting course if they weren't sure they would get a child, maybe they didn't buy any baby stuff for the same reason. In my mind before I even choose the parents for my birthchild I had this idea in my head that their are dozens of people with completely done nurseries who have finished five or six parenting courses and are just more than ready to parent. The truth is that there are couples who dream of parenting but don't actually have to courage to prepare until they get that phone call. They are all just people. I worry that because of all the scary stories of birthmother with addiction problem or mental health problems or just relational and stability problems that probably the vast majority of birthmothers who are living clean, responsible and healthy lives, like me, will be put into a stigma that isn't right!! I want people to know that birthmothers can be, and most of the time are good people!!

First Families

regret?

cindy.psbm — Sat, 10 May 2008 01:01:41 -0500

When I think about my birthchilds life now and my life it is not a question of whether I should have parented or placed but whether I should have choosen the family I did. The family I choose now has a child that was born to them and it is obvious that they favor this new person. I don't think they even realize they do. My worst fear as a birthmom is not that the parents I choose will close the relationship we sometimes have but whether or not they actually 'want' to parent my birthchild. I have only learned now that I could have had so much help to parent but I am embrassed to admit that I had to much pride to accept any help. I imagine sometimes what my birthchilds and my life would be like now if I had choosen a different family. There was a family the birthfather and I considered before deciding on the parents and I know because of a agency newletter that this family did succeed in adopting their second child but I think they waited far too long. I sometimes wish I could have choosen them then their wait and the ages of their children would be much closer and my birthchild would have had an 'adoptive' sibling. Something I wanted and expected, but then my birthchilds parents did not expect to have a child born to them. I really wonder sometimes if they wish that I hadn't choosen them at all now that they have a child born to them. That might seem crazy....but I am human and am allowed to have doubts.

First Families

my poem

cindy.psbm — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:43:24 -0500

NOT MY OWN

Not my own.

Against my soul and body,

Logic tells me it is so.

Mindless Passion caused life to grow,

Answered a hope I did not know.

Of Nature we are the same,

Becoming more is your fate.

Decided for you is a different way,

For always as my Love will be,

With regret my word remains.

You do not belong to me.

First Families

acceptance

cindy.psbm — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:16:03 -0500

Most people when they think of adoption and open adoption they think about how the adoptive parents have to accept the reality of a birthfamily. From my point of view it also come from the birthfamily too. I am very encouraged by the fact that my own mom seems to have accepted the decision I made to place instead of parent. For the first year or so it seemed that she was afraid to even put a picture or two out. She has never heistated to frame almost any picture of anyone in my whole life. Her walls are covered with pictures EVERYWHERE so it hurt my feelings a little that she couldn't accept my choice at first. Now, I think since she had the chance to visit with the parents I choose she feels that they are a part of our family now. I know that most parents who adopt think that just one person is joining there family but in the minds of birthfamilies it is them that is joining the family. Maybe the whole world is just one big happy family. I know thats too liberal and impossible. I wonder if it would offend the parents I choose to know that my mom considers them are part of our family. I hope that they would possibly consider my family as part of theres, even just in thought but not pratice. We are all just people. Nothing to really be afraid of.

First Families

What Now?

familyshann — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 02:08:06 -0500

Parenting is both easier and harder than I ever thought it would be. And I thought a lot about it before I placed my kiddo. I call her "the kid" a lot, kind of helps me detach a bit. But when she's with me it's "baby". She's nine. And she's my baby. The first time they brought her over while I was recovering on the couch, they were all smiles. But when they left that day, I cried "That's my baby" and only my step mother, a type of adopted mother, was there. And she didn't know how long she should comfort me or if I deserved this for getting knocked up. And they are still all smiles. And I am still crying. A beautiful little girl grew up in the meantime. And a mixed up teenager grew up, too. Into an everyday mother of two who teaches young mothers how to better parent their children. It's kind of sick ironic, but it's my life. And other than this pain, I'm not sure I would have it any other way. How can I hurt so bad about something and not be sure if I regret it? Hindsight is not 20/20. It cannot let us see the multitude of possibilities that may have sprouted if I had decided to be her everyday mom. Get it out of my head, my heart. Focus. What now? What's next? Ten years since I first met her everyday parents. I've asked for a dinner with them soon to talk about things and celebrate. It sounded like a good idea when I suggested it, but what am I going to talk about? We have a wonderful daughter, but I feel like I need to ask permission to call her "our daughter". I like the idea of a covenant. I wasn't old enough to really commit to that when I chose them, so maybe I'll do it now. Part of me wants to say it once and for all to their face, "Hey, just in case you weren't aware, this hurts for me." I don't know what good it would do. It's not a very nice thing to do. To ask someone for a favor like this - "Just stop smiling for a little bit, would ya?!!"

First Families

Chat tonight..Tuesday 29th 9:30 pm eastern time

lizzybetinlex — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 15:11:50 -0600

Are you a birthmother or and adoptive mom looking for some good conversation in regards to open adoption? JJandfive and I will be in chat for a little bit and would like you to join us. We don't really have any topic in mind. But if you do, we certainly welcome it. Just a little bit about us... JJandfive is the proud parent of Bidgie and 4 other adopted precious children. I am Bidgie's birthmother. I am also a single mother of a 14 year old daughter.

First Families

JJandfive and lizzybetinlex

lizzybetinlex — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 14:58:01 -0600

This chatroom is being created for discussion between adoptive moms and birthmoms.

First Families

How do I start a search?

dawn — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 11:42:02 -0600

I know where I was born, where my adoption was completed and even my birth mothers name. I have written letters to the courts and all I get is the run around. The state i was born in says they have no non-identifying information on me that i should contact the state adoption was completed in. I contacted then and they said they have nothing and sent me back to the birth state. What can I do next? I dont have the money to hire an attorney to have my records unsealed or to hire a private investigator

Adoptive Family Members

permanent wave

barb — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 04:10:47 -0600

imagine being unexpectedly pregnant. imagine working up the courage to call an adoption agency. imagine the overwhelming feelings of the first appointment at said agency. imagine discovering how many families in the pool from which to "choose" to parent your unborn Kiddo. and then, imagine trying to discern how much openness you desire.

how can a person (expectant mom, prospective adoptive parents) make a sound, lifelong commitment about openness without a personal frame of reference?

i knew what was "normal" by the agency's standards. but were those "guidelines" appropriate for me? i had no idea. i'd never had a baby, placed a baby. were pictures every three months for the first year, once a year around the birthday after that first year enough? was a potential visit annually at the agency function adequate? this was fairly "normal".

do you make a lifelong commitment after two lunch dates and paperwork?

i couldn't choose an appropriate haircut while pregnant.

and yet i did make choices, on the basis of what i surmised would be best for the impending, but still abstract in some senses, Kiddo. i made decisions for someone i'd never met, setting precedents without prior experience.

cross posted at my blog

First Families

Dusty

barb — Mon, 16 Jul 2007 12:57:53 -0500

posted orginially at my blog 7.16.07

First Families

More Than a Vacation

Lisa V — Tue, 03 Jul 2007 21:49:37 -0500

To read the full post, go to my blog Vindauga. Mal is my 15 year old daughter, Mallory. Noelle is her first mother. I write about our adoption with both their blessing.

Adoption Reform

spectrum

barb — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 12:46:54 -0500

originally posted on my blog 6.28.07

First Families