I am posting anonymously because I am so conflicted about this situation and I don't feel confident about this.
Our son is nearly 2 years old. About 11 months ago, his birth mother apparently vanished. Her phone got cut off; the mailing address was no longer current; and we had no way of getting in touch. This was very upsetting. I lost a lot of sleep over it and wondered many things.
Last week, out of the absolute blue, our phone rang and there she was. I was so happy and told her so. She said she had simply misplaced our number, been moving around a lot, etc. I don't think she realized it had been almost a year. She thought it had been a few months.
We immedately took her new address and sent all the boxes that had been piling up and sent back to us. We included a phone card so she could call in the future.
Tonight she called..I thought to tell us whether she'd gotten the box or not. But unfortunately she's run into a bit of difficulty.
She has been moving from place to place the last few months (6 months or so) and put all her things in storage. Well, she also is out of work for a while and has no way to pay the storage. The storage company is now proceeding with officially warning her that her items will be sold at auction if she can't pay the fees. She gave them her xmas savings which was about half the fees, but still owes the other half.
It is a bad situation all around of course. She was asking for help with the rest of the fees. We are not particularly wealthy but if we had a $300 emergency within our household we would of course be able to pay it. My impulse is to pay this bill for her. All her possessions are at stake...her children's winter clothes...and photographs of her children who are with her as well as our son. These things are not insignificant.
If we can help with this bill I am afraid that one day something else will come up and I will not be able to help. A $1000 bill would be very difficult and more than that I don't think we could come up with without some creativity. We're careful with money, but we both work hard to make a secure life for us and our son, we don't have very much extra on a regular basis. It would probably be exaggerating to say that this could continue on a regular basis--I have the feeling that it was hard for her to ask--but I don't know how to say "We came up with 1, 2, or 3 hundred. We may not be able to again." I really don't know how to say no, and also don't know how to pay while letting her save face.
need thoughts and a range of options. I'm overwhelmed by this.
ps I've read the previous question and see the similarities...although our adoption is long since final and this does not affect legality of anything
OP here. Thanks everyone
OP here.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I agree that it's not a bad idea to approach this like I would if a cousin needed help but one big difference--if a cousin of mine needed help there would be 30 other cousins, parents, 8 aunts and uncles, and grandparents to all pitch in. Her support system is less robust to put it mildly. That's one reason this felt like a heavy burden on me.
So to tell you what I ended up doing. I offered a portion of the bill. She & I both felt relieved when I did so. I have no idea how either of us will feel about it in the long term though. The company is supposed to now allow her to have her things back this week (it wasn't that she needed storage space...the contents of her unit had been seized for nonpayment..she needed to pay to get it back). I sure hope that works out. It's very stressful even to think about from afar.
I honestly can't address the underlying problem of inconsistent employment and housing--it is far beyond my reach and my means--so unfortunately, this is the best I could do. I told her I don't want her to feel weird or awkward about it, and I'm hoping she continues to stay in touch and we can mostly put this behind us.
I personally do not think
I personally do not think that she should be asking "you" for financial support. I also think that I might want some more specifics on this losing her job type of thing. Is she acting irresponsible in a way that continues to put herself in this place of crisis? If so, helping her is only going to be a bandaid to the solution. Sometimes you have to lose everything in order to start doing right. I know that may sound "cold", but I would certainly know about this in that I too have lost very precious and valuable people and things in my life because of me. I also do not think that for me personally, speaking from the birthmother perspective, that when I have been "helped" by my child's parents, I did not genuinely appreciate it in the long run, knowing that I felt like a charity case that could not take care of her kids or pay the bills. I also have been inclined to send a check to their home repaying them......but the problem with that is... I never asked for the money in the first place, and number two, they sent it anonymously(although it did have their zip zode on the envelope). I guess it would hurt them either way sending them the money back. So I guess what I have learned from that is...I will never again talk to them about my personal financial crisis. I just feel sooo icky by taking their money. It was very kind. It was very loving. It was not their responsibility or obligation. The decision is yours ultimately. Like some other people said...if you would help your own family out in this manner out of their real need, then that is different. If you are doing this cause she gave you her child, then I would say no. Search your heart. Pray about it first. I hope my earnest perspective has been valuable insight.
We were in this same
We were in this same situation last summer. After a lot of back and forth, we decided to help S, because we would have helped any other friend or family member. However, it was financially difficult, and I found I really resented spending that much money when I saw what she did with it. A few months ago, S called again and asked for money. We told her we couldn't do it, and gave her the numbers for a couple of shelters in her area. We won't be giving her money again.
It's incredibly difficult to be in this situation. You see someone you care about in a bind, and you want to help. But you can't always. I think if you have the money and are sure that she's going to do what needs to be done with it, then by all means, help her. But make sure you do say, "This is for now. In the future, we may not be able to help."
I hope this helps!
I think you should do what
I think you should do what you would do for a family member. Sounds like shes telling you straight up whats wrong in her life. Maybe you should write her a good reference so that she can get a job? Sounds like her real problem is not having employment. Maybe you can help her in that way, introduce her to someone that could give her gainful employment? I don't know, just throwing out ideas to you. I think that maybe offering your storage space or even asking a friend of yours to 'borrow' some storage space is a great idea. Maybe she really does need to go through all this stuff and see what can be sold. I know that the sentimental items are very important. I am not suggesting that she forgo any of those. I just know you would be surprised at how many things you hold on to that don't really matter to you. Seeing as she has tried to pay what she can it sounds like she is genuine in her need of your help, or someones help that is! I hope that things work out for her. Sounds like she is having a tough time with life right now. Maybe she needs to go a 'Life Skills' community class. Where I live they have them for free.
Just reposting my forum
Just reposting my forum response
That's a tough one to be sure. Would you pay the bill for another
friend or family member in the same situation? I am of the opinion that
it is best to treat DS's first family the same as other family and
friends. I make no distinction. You might want to consider your own
feelings on that as well and follow your values on this one.
Does she live near you at all? The reason I ask is I would probably
offer alternate solutions before offering to pay, such as storing the
stuff in my garage or extra bedroom. This way you are helping her our,
but not setting a precedent. You could also require she pay you back
etc.
Also, have you considered getting a toll free number added to your
line? They are pretty inexpensive these days, and she would not have an
excuse not to call (unless she loses it of course, but a phone card can
be easily lost as well)
Oh I'm so sorry -- this
Oh I'm so sorry -- this sounds so difficult! This is my litmus test -- would you help another extended family member in similar circumstances? If this was an aunt or cousin or sister or nephew -- would you help? What kind of limits would you put on it? How would you frame the decision for the person you're helping?
If you do decide to help, I don't think she will be offended if you say, "We're so happy we could help this time! We don't always have much extra money and I'm just glad that this time we do!"
I'm thinking of you and of your son's birth mother -- please let us know how this turns out.