I'm so upset. We just received an email from our child's birthmother asking for money. I know she is in desparate straits to be asking us, and it sounds like she might go to jail if she doesn't pay these fines. I just feel terrible that we can't help her, but it is before finalization and none of us can afford to jeopardize the adoption. Is there any way I can help her?
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My only suggestion is to
My only suggestion is to look to a church. Does she belong to a church or do you? I know that my church will sometimes give emergency funds to people (even if they are inactive) and then they have to do things like clean the church one day a week for a month or two or things like that as repayment. It might be worth looking into.
I'm sure this is devastating to you, but obviously your main priority has to be your child. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best, for you and your child’s first mother.
Original poster here. We
Original poster here.
We absolutely said we couldn't give her money. I want to direct her to "places and agencies that can help her" but what are they? Is there anyone out there who helps people in such dire straits?
It depends on a whole lot of
It depends on a whole lot of things. Like where you guys are and whether or not the folks who can help consider her straits truly dire. I'd start by calling your local YWCA. I used to work for the YWCA in Portland, OR and we had a women's resource hotline. If they don't have one, they might know who does.
Don't give her money. Direct
Don't give her money. Direct her to places and agencies that can help her. If she has to go to jail its not the end of the world. Jail can teach valuable lessons to her. She probably won't be any worse for the wear in jail and it might help her manage her life better. Try and get her to focus on the child you have in common. Has it only been less than three months since she placed her child with you? The only help that would be good to give are medical expenses that having a child can have. Anything else is not really neccessary. The only thing that should be neccessary on your part is to tell you want her to do well. Try and do your part to send pictures and tell her about the child you have in common. Maybe if she focuses on the child you have in common, these problems won't be a part of your interaction. These fines she has may not be as bad as she says, she may just be trying to get money from you. What she may need right now is a dose of reality. If she is an adult she is responsible for her own problems, don't take them on yourself. You are parenting the child she placed with you, not her.
I know all this might seem harsh, but its coming from a birthmother. As a rule I always take responsiblity for my own actions. You are not to blame for the fines she has, right? You do not need to help her in any way that is not related to the adoption of the child she placed with you.
Only your agency or attorney
Only your agency or attorney can really tell you whether or not you can help her per your state's laws (my guess is that you can't). I know it's very hard to watch people we care about suffering and/or in crisis and not be able to do anything concrete to help. This might be a good time for you and your partner (if you have a partner) to talk more about what kinds of boundaries you will have in this relationship and how you will help when you can.