Why is the term "biological mother" considered insensitive? I am new to the open adoption experience and have noticed people now say "birth mother," but have no idea why.

I have to admit that when I hear the term "first mom", it strikes a nerve with me. I totally understand and respect why the term "first mom" or "first family" is used.  I understand and respect those reasons already given in previous comments.  I have every respect and admiration for my daughter's birthmother (sorry, I let that slip).  But in all honesty...the term "first mom" or "first family" hits right on a sensitive spot...and that is my insecurities as an adoptive parent.  Adoption is still fairly new to us. I have a LOT of insecurities when I visit or communicate with my daughter's birthfamilies.  I'm insecure about everything from how they think about my husband and me...if we are being good parents....to how my daughter will picture them and their role in her life.  I worry about if she will feel like she is OUR daughter and not someone else's child.  I guess that is where the term "first mom" or "first family" hits a sore spot.  It's almost a declaration of ownership or where my daughter belongs. From my perspective (and I know this sounds totally selfish), she belongs in our home, with my husband, my son, and me.  We are and will always be the first family she knew and will ever know.  Yes, she will know the mother and father who loved her so much that they placed her in our loving care...who loved her so much they could never lose touch with us so they always would know she is all right.

She will always see that we honor and respect them...as her birthparents and our very close friends.

Oh wow. There is no way I can do this topic justice in a comment, so I'm not going to try really... but here's the short version:

The term "birthmother" is something an agency hoisted upon me. It's not something I chose myself. It was used prior to my baby even being born--as if right off the bat, I was some strange breed of woman, not worthy of the same title--expectant mother--as any other pregnant woman. So for me, it left a bad taste in my mouth from the get-go.

I find it to be very disempowering.

"First mother" is factual. And no, I don't think of her mom as "second mother"--I think of her as her mother. Or (in rare cases, where clarification is needed) her adoptive mother. Why must we be opposites of each other? Or define ourselves in terms of the other mom? Why does what I choose to call myself have to reflect on what an amom chooses to call herself?

What I actually prefer is just "mother." Period. If clarification is needed, I am a mother who relinquished. Person-first language (rather than label-first language), thank you very much. =)

As a side note... I too use the term "gave up my child for adoption." I find it to be much more accurate of my experience than "placing her for adoption." "Placing" sounds so sterile, so white-washed, and so clean and nice. The experience was anything but clean and nice. It was brutal, it was agonizing, it felt like my soul was ripped from my body. It absolutely does feel like I gave something and someone up--many somethings, in fact. "Placed" makes me shudder.

A thought just accurred to me about this subject and I can't resist the urge to add it. I am sorry for posting so many times, I just have to add this. I was thinking about why I don't feel comfortable with this 'life' mother thing and the truth is that I don't think its accurate! I mean I'd really like to take credit for the fact that my birthchild lives and grows and is amazing but the truth is that I am not responsible for causing the energy that makes the heart beat and everything else! I merely allowed life to grow! Yes, I was responsible for the healthy and wellness of the baby while it grew inside me but I did not cause it to grow. I believe that God is the author of life, not me. I was the first to 'parent' my birthchild so the term 'first mother' is accurate. So is the term 'birth mother' because I did give birth. But 'life' I did not give or cause.

I keep hoping there will be lots of responses to this question, as I am doing a paper partially on this very topic about language.

We used the term birthparent/birthmom because that is what our agency used and it felt right at the time. I have mostly chosen to use the word first mom for our daughter's, well, first mom, because I believe it is a more empowering term. She was a mother to our daughter before I was, that is factual.

It's funny that I worry so much about language and then I talk with my daughter's first mom and she uses phrases that feel less acceptable like gave my baby up for adoption, etc. Here I am trying to learn and be ultra-careful with my language, and here she is living this experience too, and framing it in words that might make me cringe, but they are her words. Who am I to question what language works for her? It is also a power issue for me, which is the other part of the paper I am doing for school. Who holds the power in adoption? How does it change, or shift throughout the life of the relationship? How is language part of the power equation?

Come on, folks, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. And I may ask to use some of what you say in my paper!

The intended meaning I believe is that when the women who gave life to a child that you adopted she was 'parenting' that child before it was born because she was responsible for its health and wellness just as you are to your child now. Some even parented for a short time before placing. To me 'life mother' sounds silly. I don't mind personally being called a 'birthmom'. I was wondering almost three years ago when I was pregnant what I was supposed to call myself until I read the profiles and the 'dear birthmother' letters. I though 'oh, thats what I am supposed to be called!' . I really don't care what I am called. As long as its reconized that I played a very very important role in my birthchilds, without me the child that makes the adoptive couple parents would not exist!! Now there are lots of women who have placed their children for adoption that just want to be seen as people, not as incubators. They want people to know that they loved and love and will always love the baby they are not parenting. They want respect. Personally I don't mind whatever title you think best describes my role, just remember that women like myself who have placed children are just wanting to be respected and remembered for the role they played and will play in your childrens lives.

As the founder of the site, I can only speak to my experience with the term "first parent" and my decision to use it for this site.

I chose to use "first family" because it seemed like the most value-neutral of the terms I've heard around the internet. While I know there's a support site called "life mothers," I hadn't seen any first moms using that term on their blogs but I had seen them use "first mom" so that's why I went with that. Plus it's a factual term without being clinical (unlike, say, biological mother).

I did understand this would turn some adoptive parents off the site but I felt like it was important to take a strong, clear stance about this site being for all triad members and that making a statement in our use of language would be a necessary part of this.

You said, "...I can't deny that I have an emotional response to it." I respect that and understand so I know you can respect and understand that while "changing the verbage" may not alleviate a first parent's pain, it may help them feel welcome being part of a community that may otherwise seem to be adoptive-parent dominated and controlled (like much of the unsegregated online adoption community).