Several months after we adopted our daughter, we learned some very upsetting news about her birth family. Her birth mothers father is a registered sex offender, and sexually abused his daughter. We put a lot of effort into establishing a relationship with our daughters birth mother and our daughters birth family, but this mans presence in
visits, etc is very, very difficult for us to deal with.
It has become clear to us (my husband and i) that there are some serious issues with boundaries within the dynamic of our daughters birth family, and as such, it has been difficult navigate situations and visits.
We don't regret the decision to pursue openness, but it does raise a question for us as adoptive parents. When she was pregnant, our daughters birth mother, had access to our home study, and an information she asked, we provided. Given the magnitude of her decision, as well as the welfare of her unborn child, this makes sense to us. However, I think more thought needs to be given about what type of information an adoptive family recieves before making the commitment/covenantal decision to intertwine their lives with people about whom we may have very little information.
Thoughts?
As we did not use an agency
As we did not use an agency we had noone to "give" us information, we simply asked first mom whatever questions we had.
That being said, what might you have done differently had you known her dad was a sex offender? What prevents you from doing something differently now that you know? You have new information at hand, the boundry issues for example, what possible solutions are there?
I feel that if any specific person is (or becomes) a danger or possible danger, or toxic, or emotionally detrimental to my child, I would limit and/or revise contact. I don't care if it's my brother, my cousin, my best friend, a member of his first family, or in my case my own mother-in-law (she's a bigot, but reins in her more hateful diatribes to some extent in my presence, so I will not allow her unsupervised time with DS). His well being is my responsibility and I make decisions according to the information at hand.
We were given a ton of
We were given a ton of information about Jack's birthmom, while she was only given the basics about us. It varies from agency to agency, I would imagine.
I think certain information should be required - such as divulging that a close birthfamily member is a sex offender. We would be denied the right to adopt if we lived with a sex offender. More formality, I suppose, should be put in with regards to what information on either side is shared.
Honestly I thought that my
Honestly I thought that my birthchild adoptive parents had information on us just like the birthfather and I did. I had to fill out alot of forms with personal information on it. I really wonder if the adoptive parents of my birthchild really got that information. Personally I don't think that knowing about your birthmoms father would matter, its her and alot of other birth family members you should focus on. Obviously your daughters birthmom probably understands why you would be scared and she probably wouldn't want to tell anyone about her father. I am curious. What makes it so difficult just because she has been hurt by a family member? Is this father still a part of her life? I seriously hope not.
What makes it so difficult
What makes it so difficult just because she has been hurt by a family
member? Is this father still a part of her life? I seriously hope not.
Yes, her father is still involved in her life and the family. He has not been in exile, as many people would have assumed. He (birth grandfather) and birth grandmother are still married.
In general, this set of grand parents have some very serious issues with appropriate boundaries and decisions.
I'm sorry you're struggling
I'm sorry you're struggling with this.
Too often open adoption is paid lip service but doesn't get the real support that families and kids need. My impression is that open adoption has been promoted without recognition for what it really is and so what's happened is that nothing happens beyond open adoption agreements (not worth the paper they're printed on in most cases) and entrustment ceremonies. But actually living open adoption? There's not much support. And clearly there's not much recognition of the challenges when families like yours don't receive all the information or support they need to create healthy relationships.
The issue, then, isn't openness -- it's the lack of post-adoption support and of pre-adoption support that acknowledges that openness is more than photo ops.
I feel frustrated that often stories like this are used as an argument against openness instead of as an argument for better understanding of what openness entails and the need for post-adoption support services. (sigh) I hope that when folks like you share that it leads to more discussions about what we can do to best serve kids.
My intention in sharing this
My intention in sharing this story was not to rrgue against openness, but rather the practice and process. If I knew more about my daughters birth family, I might have navigated some things differently.
I do understand that YOU
I do understand that YOU were not arguing against openness -- I was just taking my thought a step further and expressing frustration that families like yours are so often used as cautionary tales instead of as examples of the need for better support and professional practices. I apologize for not being clear.
Thanks I intially did
Thanks I intially did misunderstand you.
I think after I thought about my post, and learned that the information sharing varies so much, I realized that I could have been understood as well.
Our entire homestudy was read by our E's birth mother..the nitty gritty was there: my weight (yikes!) , how much we make, that we went to counseling in the past,..all things that were hard to share initially but as I look back , of course, were important things to know.
I think on different boards I am on, the openness issue is looked at from different angles: who is it intended to benefit? For me, I thought more about it as a parenting decision to benefit my (potential child) whereas sometimes I hear it being used (at least in my opinion) as a point of negotiation: I hope prospective adoptive parents don't agree to some type of frequency of contact just because they think its what might get them "chosen."
I didn't really know if openness was something that my daughters first mother even wanted , or would benefit from.
Honestly, I am not sure sometimes, because I wonder if having us visit makes it harder or "easier" (if thats even possible.)
I can't imagine, though , in this day and age, not having some sort of information given to some member of the birth family..because the adults that I know who were adopted in a closed or international adoption who did find their birth family said they felt so sad that their birth family did not know if they were okay.