I just wanted to comment that the birth mom and I (adoptive mom) have a good relationship. I 'm very comfortable with her loving the child and calling to check on her. I think my daughter will grow up loving both of us equally but in different ways. I think it is selfish of me not to extend the love of my daughter to her birth mom b/c it has been my experience that over 75% of adoptive children eventually seek relationships with their birth parents. Why not make things easier in the best interest of the child. Sure there are time you will have mixed emotions but at the end of the day, remember. It's not about you, it's all about the child.

Would you rather that the birth/first mom of your adopted child
actually not love her child?

I would find that cause for serious concern. If she didn't love her child that would make her some kind of inhuman sociopath.

I know for a fact she chose to place him with us, because she loved him too much to subject him to the people in her life that would have influence over both of them if she had chosen to raise him. I don't want to go into too many details, but her dealing with certain people was okay to her, but she did not want her son to have to.

She loves him very much, and I happily facilitate their ongoing relationship.

Does it bother you to think about the fact
that she(first/birth mom) gestated and gave birth and is biologically
connected to your adopted child and you are not?

No. I had come to terms with not having a biologically related child well before we even considered adoption. I am happy and honored to be raising this child...he is amazing. He is who he is because he of his biology, and I wouldn't change a thing about him.

 Would you rather not
know or hear a birth/first mom talk about her experience of pregnancy
and birth?

A birth experience is very personal and profound, and I like to hear people talk about things that impacted them so fully. 

We were not present at DS's birth, and I am actually glad of that. That is a story only she can share with him, and I know she will. That is a special thing just for them.

Does it make you feel less of a mom to see that you adopted
child has traits that you do not but that the birth/first family does?

No, not at all. I get to help nurture his nature...and his nature is amazing as I said. I actually like the fact that he necessarily brings unique traits and talents to our family that enrich us all.

Are you ever afraid that the biological connection between the
first/birth family will be stronger than your connection through
nuturering?

I am not afraid for me. I do sometimes worry that he might feel "out of place". But we have all done everything we can to mitgate that. His first family is very involved including grandparents, and his first mom carefully chose us, specifically for who we were and how we think and act, not money etc. We didn't use an agency or have a "profile". We weren't even looking to adopt. She solicited recommendarions from friends of people who fit her list of criteria, we were suggested by mutual friends. I hope he will feel instead he just has a larger family, all of whom get him and love him for who he is as an individual.

Also, it's not really a contest. We are capable of bonding with people we aren't related to. Which "connection" is stronger, the biological connection between siblings, or the love connection between spouses, for example?

 Do you want to see the birth/first mom and or family(even
though there are capable) as incapable of raising your adopted child so
you feel more validated in your role as a parent?

No. I know for a fact she would have been a great mom (and still will some day). I have told her so. First dad is a diferent story as far as being a parent, but he is as involved as he can be, and we allow him as much involvment as he wants.

As she was 23, and carefully thought this through, and went about it in a unique and thoughtful way- entirely on her own (she refused the traditional agency route and first dad was a hindrance and her parents chose specifically to be hands off), I cannot judge her choice...that would infantilizing her and incredibly condescending. I do believe, however, had she chosen to parent, she would have done a stellar job.

As it is, I still think she's a great mom to him, and I am also a great mom to him. I have no problem sharing that title. She encouraged me to embrace motherhood fully, and I encouraged her to do that same. As she said "I am a mother, I am just not a parent"

When he got his first haircut I got two locks to save...one for her one for me. When he did his first fingerpainting I pressed a fresh piece of paper to it to make a copy, she got one and I got one. She was and is the first phone call whenever he did/does something new or especially cute or funny.

Neither of us want fear and insecurity in our relationship or in his world. We have a wonderful litle boy to raise to be a wonderful man. That's our biggest committment...and we recognize and embrace that it will take all of us.

Would you rather that the birth/first mom of your adopted child
actually not love her child? 

Of course not. It would feel very strange to me if she didn't.

Does it bother you to think about the fact that she(first/birth mom) gestated and gave birth and is biologically connected to your adopted child and you are not? 

No. I like seeing the similarity my daughter has to her first mom. It thrills me the way it thrills me to see my husband in our biological son. I think that must be some kind of primal thing -- to want to see life continuing on in another small person.

Would you rather not know or hear a birth/first mom talk about her experience of pregnancy and birth? 

I feel lucky to be privvy to some of Madison's pregnancy/birth story. I feel privileged to know the things I do know.

Does it make you feel less of a mom to see that you adopted child has traits that you do not but that the birth/first family does? 

No, again I really like to see those traits. When I've met some of her extended family it's fun to see other traits she shares with them. I feel hungry for those details and when my daughter's aunt came to visit it was great to see her reflected yet again in another family member. 

Are you ever afraid that the biological connection between the first/birth family will be stronger than your connection through nuturering? 

No -- I don't feel it's a contest. I don't think that if her relationship with her first mom is a strong one that it means our relationship will automatically be less strong.

Do you want to see the birth/first mom and or family(even though there are capable) as incapable of raising your adopted child so you feel more validated in your role as a parent?

No. Absolutely not.

First of all, I just don't have any jealousy issues with my kids' first families.  I am not, by nature, a jealous person.  I often suspect people with a lot of jealousy are insecure about themselves, and I know I'm a good parent and my children love me very much.

well, those are some really raw questions, and I don't think you are the first one to ask them.

I think most people in general will admit to some fears or insecurities that they acknowledge as irrational..and this is in the general public, not just those within the adoptive community.

Please remember that , if I , as an adoptive mother answer something, its NOT your childs adoptive mother answering. Just as your POV may not match that of my daughters birthmother.

In my particular instance, I struggled with H's decision because on paper she could have given it a shot...she was almost 20, and knew about resources for WIC and welfare. She is not poor, but she would not have had the network to continue working at her job (which is decent paying for a 20 year old) and pay for child care. The birth father had already had two children with another woman, and was not able to meet his financial responsibilities. H's relationship with him was casual at best.
H's had coworkers and friends who were her age who were single parents, and seeing their lives (from what she tells me) made her decision both easier and harder...because she knew how much struggle there would be, and also because she had to see them with their kids..though , truthfully, none of them were living independently of their parents.
So, there is that whole issue of just not being "psychologically ready"..regardless of age. I can certainly understand it, I didn't feel ready until I was 30!
back to your question, though, I don't feel a desire to prove her an incapable, but I can say honestly that early on , as she processed her emotions and was identifying as the mother who gave birth, and feeling a need ( I think) to be given credit for that, it did make me sad/...but I am human being.
H has told me she doesn't think she will ever have kids, and that breaks my heart because I don't want her to make that decision based on the fact that she placed her first child for adoption. Her life circumstances were not ready, it does not make her less of a person, though I imagine your sense of womanhood takes a hit, much like infertility can do to you..I can know intellectually that I am not less of a woman for not being able to conceive very easily, but the "ghosts" will pop up every so often.
I NEVER ever doubted that H loved/loves her child..I think first there is the love of the abstract life that you carry and bring into the world, and then the love of the person that they grow into being.
Recently on one of my adoptive parents groups, someone asked if they felt connected to the baby that the expectant mother was carrying..and I never felt "entitled" to that, but I did feel that the very fact that H was CONSIDERING entrusting us with being mup's parents made me feel more "motherly."
There are a million and one different opinions about what is appropriate for a bio/birth/first mom should share in terms of grief with the adoptive mom. I feel that four years into our relationship, that is an unspoken given, and I don't think its healthy for H to process every sad moment with me,.....its not that I don't care, because I care very deeply for her, I feel closer to her in ways than I do my family of origin, but I have to compartmentalize some of the intensity in order to be present in my every day life as a parent of 2 young kids.
Because I love my daughter so much, I want her to know she is loved by her first mother. do I ever get jealoust or feel poignancy? sure..I think thats part of the deal.