To me, this child isn't at an age where he can comprehend the grief his birth mother feels when leaving. He is probably crying becuase she is crying and it scares him.  My daughter is visibily concerned when other kids cry, now through in the birth mother crying and this is definately not in the best interest of the child to have him be subjected to this every month.  I can see the first few times but she needs to be the adult and not do this in front of him if it causes him distress.  You don't say how long she parented for so if it was until recently, I can see how he would be upset. 

I'm glad you asked this quesiton though as we adopted our daughter almost two years ago from birth and are still struggling with this issue a bit. So far it is only me who is called mama or mommy.  The birthmother had wanted to be called mom but we chose not to do this.  We call her by her first name but do refer to her as our daughters birth mother.  She chose us to parent her child and chose to give up her rights to parent our daughter.  In our minds, it was too confusing for her emotional state to then be called mommy or mama when she was trying to come to terms with giving child up for adoption.  She also has some mental issues and we felt it in her best emotional interest and to help facilitate detachment, on a day to day basis only, that this was the best choice. 

Our daughter has contact with her birth mother every other month for about 3 hours or so and will know how much she loves her becuase she tells her at each visit and we tell her all the time.  We pray for her birth mother and family every night and keep her photo's around the house and expecially in our daughters room on her wall.  There just doesn't seem to be a need for our daughter to call someone she sees once every two months mommy when to hermommy is the name she calls when she wakes at night, when she'scared, when she is excited, when she is tired, when she needs somthing. 

our daughter is old enough to make the decision about what she wishes to call her birth mother, then we will accept whatever she decides.  It was not up to us to or her birth mother to have her call her birth mother by such an intimate name right from the beginning though. 

We now have birth mother's second child and this one is not by consent.  She parented for a few weeks and calls herself mom.  She has that right. 

The topic of mommy and confusing our daughter(s) or not confusing them etc.  I read the post about children having more than one mom.  We realize that many children have a stepmother or other people in their life that they also call mom but in most instances, that is left up to the child to call the other person mom. Not the parents making that decision for them.

What will we do once our daughters sister is adopted by us?  We will most likely request the same thing.

We are not trying to invalide our birth mother position.  We are only trying to do what is best for our children while also taking into consideration her emotional state and ability to separate what the word mom means from what the actions mean.

Does any of this make sense? 

Overall, it all depends on circumstances, the ability of the birth mother to separate herself from the day to day responsibilities of raising a child and facilitating her "letting go" which doesn't mean to stop loving the child(ren) they gave birth to or being part of their lives but being at a point where it is not like you were talking about, crying about leaving each time they see their child.  Calling thier birthmom by the same name as they call you doesn't seem to be in the best interest of the child in our viewpoint. 

My 3 year old son calls his birth mom "Momma Hey".  He can't say her first name, so that's his variation of it :)  He doesn't seem the least bit confused.  In fact, for her b-day we went to have pictures done of him and her.  The photographer was trying to get a picture of him giving her a kiss on the cheek, and he was busy being 3.  The photographer kept telling DS to "give Momma a kiss".  Every time he said it DS looked at him all confused and pointed at me sitting across the room and said "Dat Momma" then pointed at the Momma he was taking pics with and said "Dat Momma Hey".  The photographer was confused, but DS at the tender age of 3 is not. He understands that Momma and Momma Hey are 2 different people, and he understands our roles in his life.

That being said, we also went through a similar situation as you.  DS was our foster son for 2 years before we adopted him.  There is a very real transition from being the foster mom and supporting reunification to being mom and supporting an open adoption.  Never did I refer to myself as Mom with my foster kids, so when it became sure that I was going to be Mom, it took some getting used to.  For us, it was right for me to be Momma and her to be Momma + her first name.  We also went through the same type of visits for awhile.  It became easier after the state was no longer involved though.  It wasn't until then that we were able to start settling into our new roles and do it in the way we needed to.  

Best of luck to you and your son.  

I'm late but only because I had my settings wrong and my login info was going to my bulk folder...anyway...figured that since I bothered to write the response I might as well leave it!LOL

It's long so if you are still looking for responses please go to: www.bumpyroadtomotherhood.blogspot.com  as I deleted the page where I wrote it.

Kudos for trying to make this work for your little one.

I think it is wonderful that you are willing to allow your son to see his birthmother.  Your son will be so much more able to deal with this transition eventually and it will be a blessing to him in the long run.

First of all, ALL two year olds cry when they are separated from people (and that's why what you are doing is so wonderful, in the long run for your son.  I worry so much for those Chinese girls that are making even bigger transitions--language, food, smells, etc. at that same age.).  

Now, however, there needs to be someway to make it easier for your son (and especially for YOU).  Does his birthmother distance herself and act "appropriately"?  By that I mean: does SHE insist on being called "mommy"?  Does she grasp him up and sob about missing him? If she is needy like this, you need to have a calm discussion with her WITHOUT YOUR SON BEING NEAR.  In that discussion, I would suggest that this sort of "hanging on and dragging down" behavior is not helping your son (who you both love) and is unhelpful to HIM and inappropriate at this time.  Explain that he needs to feel as if he is not being abandoned and not scared by her neediness (I've seen this behavior with my stepgrandson and his birthmother and it has been hell for that boy). 

I would make it clear if she is incapable or unable to HELP HIM by being supportive of you and talking to him about his new mommy and how happy he will be there, etc.,  that you will have to temporarily discontinue the meetings.  This could be a couple of months--it depends on her and his next interaction....it is not a matter of whether he cries when she leaves, IT IS A MATTER OF HER HELPING NOT HINDERING. 

One thing that she must do RIGHT now is have your son call her by her first name.  NOT mommy.  You are mommy.  Each time he calls her "mommy" she should say, "My name is _____ and I love you. This is your new mommy.  Call her mommy and call me _____" 

If that's too hard for her to do, tell her that her inability to help him make this adjustment means that you will have to do it without her, for a while, because it is too difficult for your son at this point.  Ask her to call you when she is ready to go by this rule.  You are the mommy.  And you are obviously a loving and giving person.  But you need to make sure that you are BOTH really acting like grown up "mommies" and thinking first about your son..  Good luck.  I hope you let me know how it works out!

PS.  I wanted to add this PS to preclude some potential misunderstanding about my concerns about this particular birth mother: the situation described by the adoptive mother is a different situation that most open adoptions because the birthmother has had her parental rights terminated by a court.  Almost 100% of parents adopting out of the foster care system (not as a newborn) chose to singlemindedly adhere to that judgment and think that a new page has been turned and NEVER allow contact with the birthfamily again.  I have only heard of one other situation where an adoptive family has reached out to continue this first relationship after parental rights have been terminated.  My words are absolutely NOT "anti-birthmother"; they are to help this poor baby make a scary transition and for him to grow up knowing that not only do both of these women love him but their number one priority is for his security and  welfare.

Children often have multuple Grandmas, Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles, siblings, and parents, and we have no trouble expecting them to not get confused...but when it comes to "Mommy" there is an emotional issue that comes from us, the adults, not the child (in my opinion) and we suddenly expect confusion.

Why not a different name for yourself? Possibly Mama? Not a different title, just a different version of that title. That might help you claim your own motherhood without requiring she give up hers. You're both mothers, but you are also also the parent, so need to feel secure in that role. As he gets older you can adjust things, and he might make his own ditinctions, or you can choose a new name/title for her. Right now he is too young to understand the difference, in my opinion.

As for the crying, that's somewhat common for the age I think. My son sometimes cries when anyone he loves leaves the house, even if he will be seeing them soon. I wouldn't be too concerned about that, at age 2.

Hi.  I am a 40 year old woman who was adopted as a baby.  I since have found my birthparents.  They are nice people, however they are not my mom and dad.  I am very grateful that open adoption was not an option when I was born.  I cannot even imagine how confused I would have been had I been forced to deal with 'two' mommies.  My parents had only kind things to say about my birthmother, but we talked about it one day, and that was it.  It was never brought up unless I wanted to.  I forged very solid relationships with my mom and dad, that I don't think I would have in an open situation.  I felt very secure and loved.  I was then able to deal with other feelings when I found my birthparents as an adult (I was 30).  It was difficult enough then!  My birth mother is very happy that I had a great childhood, and a great life.  We all know she did the right thing!  I have so much respect for my birth mom knowing she did what was best for ME.  My life, and hers have been better because of my adoption.  I cringe at open adoption today - we will be raising many insecure and confused kids, and also not letting the adoptive mom and dad be the mom and dad, which they are!  Since you are already in an open situation, your choices are more limited, but you need to establish some clear boundaries.  You are the ONLY mother now.  Keep the birth mother in the loop, but not visible to the child.  The child needs to bond with you, and you alone. 

YES!  And when you get confused remember that Mommy is just a word - an emotionally charged one but just a word. You are the one there when she leaves!

Think of it as if you were a lesbian mother and he had two mommies. or if one of those Mommy words was "daddy", or Grandmommy...

Very soon he will be older and bale to make more distinction. He may decide to callher Mommy Susie or whatever.

What you are doing is RIGHT and NORMAL and BEST. He HAS to Mommies! That is his reality. And these days its not that odd!

I am a birthmom and I actually do not want my birthchild calling me mom. It actually makes me happy to hear the mom I choose being called 'mommy'. I think your case is obviously very different from mine. I never parented and placed at birth. I think you should be open and honest with your sons birthmom, you know this is a hard time for her as her right to parent is being removed from her against her will. Be really straight-forward with her and have this conversation with your son present. I think you should tell her that you want you son to call her by her given name or a nickname of some sort like 'tummy-mummy' or something. This transition is going to be difficult for your son. I suggest that you have visits in a highly social environments like a family picnic or an outing with other friends, both yours and hers, or a social thing you normally do like church or a soccer game or whatever you usually do with most of your family and friends. Allowing her to be part of these events will let her know how your sons life really is and because of all the other people the focus won't be on her and your son might not even notice her coming or going.  If you feel comfortable let her do something special with your son to really say 'goodbye' so that your son knows that he has two mommies but one is everyday and one gave him life. I could be that your projecting some 'feelings' on your son. Children copy everything they see. I know this is a huge message and I am sorry about that... I'll end with a quote I resently saw  ' If a mom can love two children why is it so hard to believe and a child can love two mommies?' Please let me know if you try anything I suggest.