As a birthmom I think I have this need to see the parents I choose as pretty much perfect. Actually personally almost everyone seems perfect compared to me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others because we are all so unique but its hard not to because I just want to know if I'm 'normal'. Reading these blogs of adoptive parents is revealing to me that they too have insecurities. I am starting to realize that people are not perfect and that is ok. I worry too much about what people think of birthmothers. Not me personally but just the idea. What would come to the mind of a single mom if I told her I gave up the chance to parent? Could we still be friends? Maybe, unlikely. I wish that I could understand why people are so afraid of the very idea of a birthmom but are very sympathic to adoptive parents. To me its like people like to believe in heaven but the fact of hell is unthinkable. To me you can't have one without the other. Gee... I hope that the site doesn't think I meant to swear...lol. I am beginning to realize that adoptive parents weren't neccessarily prepared for parenting. Maybe they didn't feel like they could take a parenting course if they weren't sure they would get a child, maybe they didn't buy any baby stuff for the same reason. In my mind before I even choose the parents for my birthchild I had this idea in my head that their are dozens of people with completely done nurseries who have finished five or six parenting courses and are just more than ready to parent. The truth is that there are couples who dream of parenting but don't actually have to courage to prepare until they get that phone call. They are all just people. I worry that because of all the scary stories of birthmother with addiction problem or mental health problems or just relational and stability problems that probably the vast majority of birthmothers who are living clean, responsible and healthy lives, like me, will be put into a stigma that isn't right!! I want people to know that birthmothers can be, and most of the time are good people!!
perceptions
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Our son's first mom is a
Our son's first mom is a beloved member of our family. We have openly shared our feelings and fears and developed a deep friendship. She is a fantastic person.
Each person in this world has their own unique experiences and circumstances and I find it wrong to generalize or label based on any single trait or experience.
I think there is a great
I think there is a great poem written by Brenda Romanchik, a birthmother, author and social worker about "birth mothers are.." I am paraphrasing..but "we are your neighbors, in your PTA, maybe a teacher, an actress."
When I was a senior in high school I worked at a dry cleaners with a girl a year older than me. She was supposed to have been at her first year of college, but she got pregnant when she was 18 and decided to place the child for adoption. I don't really remember what my thoughts were at the time, except I remember her telling me her dad did not want her to place the baby, but she was sure she wasn't ready.
I can remember just being 18 and so unwordly and asking her what it felt like to be pregnant. I imagine at the time the concept of being a parent was such an abstraction . When I went about starting the adoption process, and it took on a whole new meaning, and I have thought of her often, and what she must have been going through. Her child is almost 20 now.
This was sort of a scattered post, but I wanted to convey to you that not everyone thinks that a woman who placed a child for adoption is disturbed or messed up.
When we adopted our daughter, my husband had a coworker who asked if she could have lunch with him. They really talked, but she told him she had place a child for adoption 9 years earlier. She showed him pictures of him, and she thanked him for talking openly about our daughters birth mother to others (when he brought in pictures to work, our dd's birthmom was in a lot of the pictures at the hospital) My husband dealt with some of the insensitive comments from others much more easily than I did.
Thank you!! you are so
Thank you!! you are so kind...I hope that I hear more from you.
I read your comments about
I read your comments about perceptions of birthmothers and adoptive parents and am replying to you as an adoptive mother. First of all...I just wanted to let you know that I hold all birthmothers in great esteem because your choice was the greatest act of love and one of the hardest things to do. I have a great deal of respect for my daughter's birthmother and hold her dear to my heart because of the joy she brought to our family when she chose us to be her daughter's family. I think of her often and think of the future, when my daughter will be old enough to understand about adoption and know the significance that her birthmother has in her life.
And, yes, as an adoptive parent, I had (and still have) a lot of insecurities. I think adoption comes with lots of insecurities for everyone involved, which is, I believe, why Dawn started this website.
I think you'll find that there are a whole lot of us...especially in this website...who would proudly call you "friend" and support you because you are a birthmother. You didn't "give up"; you "gave"...a gift of love.