When I think about my birthchilds life now and my life it is not a question of whether I should have parented or placed but whether I should have choosen the family I did. The family I choose now has a child that was born to them and it is obvious that they favor this new person. I don't think they even realize they do. My worst fear as a birthmom is not that the parents I choose will close the relationship we sometimes have but whether or not they actually 'want' to parent my birthchild. I have only learned now that I could have had so much help to parent but I am embrassed to admit that I had to much pride to accept any help. I imagine sometimes what my birthchilds and my life would be like now if I had choosen a different family. There was a family the birthfather and I considered before deciding on the parents and I know because of a agency newletter that this family did succeed in adopting their second child but I think they waited far too long. I sometimes wish I could have choosen them then their wait and the ages of their children would be much closer and my birthchild would have had an 'adoptive' sibling. Something I wanted and expected, but then my birthchilds parents did not expect to have a child born to them. I really wonder sometimes if they wish that I hadn't choosen them at all now that they have a child born to them. That might seem crazy....but I am human and am allowed to have doubts.
regret?
Bookmark/Search this post with:
- cindy.psbm's blog
- Login or register to post comments
- Email this blog
Cindy, I'm so sorry you have
Cindy, I'm so sorry you have to worry about this, and even that you have to worry about sounding crazy to worry.
I am an adoptive mom to two and they are the only grandchildren on either side of our family. But my younger brother and his wife are trying to get pregnant now and my own secret fear is that my parents will love a biological grandchild more than they love my kids. I probably shouldn't worry about it, since it is so obvious they really adore my children with all their hearts. Still, I have this little bit of fear and then I feel like a terrible person for feeling this way.
It's not the same as your own situation, of course, but I can imagine how you might feel.
I hope you will be able to find some peace about this somehow, and soon!
cindy I am an adoptive mom
cindy
I am an adoptive mom who had a very very surprise pregnancy a year after we adopted our first child.
This first and only pregnancy was at the age of 36, and having gone through tons of fertility treatment and not gotten pregnant, it was truly unexpected and unplanned.
I worried about telling my daughters birth mother, that she would regret choosing us, but she seemed truly happy for us.
What behaviors exactly are you seeing that make you think they favor their second child? Of course I can't speak for all adoptive parents, but my bio son is my second child. He had medical issues at birth and it was hard on our whole family.
My daughters birth grandmother asked me what is was like now to have "my first child" and I can tell you that comment knocked the wind out of me.It revealed her true feelings at the time, that I hadn't experienced real motherhood because I did not give birth. I think I felt a stronger need than ever to claim and identify our relationship with our daughter ...that our love and commitment to her was without condition, and her place in our family was forever.
I have actually been accused by my parents of favoring my daughter..maybe over compensating?
Yes, you have a right to your feelings..but I think you might want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Experiencing infertility can really do a number on your psyche, in my darkest moments I wondered if if God was telling me I didn't have what it takes???..as we also had an adoption fall through with Guatemala.
Also, though I did not regret pursuing openness, my daughters birth mothers visible pain and grief in the first months of her life took a toll on me as well...I struggled balancing whether showing my joy was disrespectful to her pain, and walking a fine between being there for her, while also adjusting to being a parent to a newborn.
Just some thoughts
thanks for sharing, I did
thanks for sharing, I did think about all the things you stated. The reason for believing they (birthchilds parents) favor the child born to them is because of alot of little things. Like when I visited last Feburary even though they were showing me basically what a good life my birthchild has I noticed that the child born to them has more toys, clothes, and yes, more attention. Also on line on facebook they post about 40 pictures of the child born to them and only two or three of my birthchild, they also only 'tag' the child born to them. It seems like they complain alot about my birthchild too. At the age of two I wish they would say what they actually like about their first child. I know they are only human so I am trying to give them some slack. I'm sorry, there is no way I would feel comfortable telling them how I feel. I know that they would be deeply offended and I respect them too much to do that.
I know it would be
I know it would be hard for me to look at their facebook and see the difference with which they treat both children. I'm really sorry that you going through this. I understand, too, that it isn't possible to raise your feelings with them now. Perhaps over time an opportunity to do that will come up.
But in the meantime, one thing you might be able to do is try the direct approach. When you see a disparity, gently point it out in a non-threatening way. For example, regarding the disparity between the number of photos of the two children on the facebook, just ask them to add more of your son. You could also point out the tag issue by saying something like, "Oh, I think you forgot to tag ____'s pictures." I don't know if your relationship with them is casual enough to allow that kind of dialog, but if so I think you could work some opportunities to direct attention to your son in this way.
My heart goes out to you, because as I picture myself in your situation, I get angry, and I don't think that would be helpful. Kudos to you for the thoughtful way you're working through this - but please be sure to think of yourself and your feelings, too!
Cindy, it has got to be very
Cindy, it has got to be very hard to live with this fear.
Short introduction: I'm an a-mom with two children, both of whom are Korean. Although our adoptions are closed, I belong to open adoption support because I still hope my children and their first families find each other some day, and I want to understand the complexity of these relationships.
One thing I can tell you that I hope offers some comfort is that when our second child arrived, our daughter, our first definitely lost some of the solo time he had previously enjoyed with us. When I look back, I realize that it must have looked like we were favoring our daughter, and maybe during those first few years we were. Maybe - I don't really know - new babies demand that of you. And perhaps this phenomenon is the start of what leads to everything we know about the effect of birth order on people.
I hope what you're observing is something like this, and not real favoritism. I don't know your entire story yet, but it appears you're in contact with your child's family. Could you talk to them about your fears?
It took courage for you to share this. Thank you.