In reading the posts from birth mothers/first mothers in open adoptions, I wonder how I can know if my daughter's birth mother is comfortable/satisfied enough with how things are going...too much, too little? We initiate most of the visits.
I have to accept the fact that I cannot take away all the pain related to her decision..but its hard because I care about her.
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It's been ten years and I'm
It's been ten years and I'm just now initiating a conversation about adoption in general with my child's adopted parents. My perception is that my child's adopted parents expect me to be happy with what they give me, and they give me a lot. It would have meant a lot for them to ask, just to know that they want my input. Keep in mind, that at certain times in my life and certain periods of my grieving process, I'm not sure they would have liked the answers. Take the birthmom's maturity level and support system into account. Has she had the opportunity to talk about adoption with people other than you? If not, you may hear her first processing of thoughts about her level of satisfaction, which may or may not be a true reflection of where she stands.
Your childs birthmother
Your childs birthmother might be afraid of contacting you. Shes only human just like you. I am a birthmother and I will always want more contact. I think every birthmother will always want as much contact as you can give her. But remember, she might just being getting to know you. Women who have placed their birthchildren have a hard time trusting people. I know sometimes I heistate in contacting my birthchilds parents because they usually don't answer or they put me off somehow. I do love them and am glad that I picked them but sometimes I get the feeling they don't want to communicate with me. You might be giving the birthmother of you child that impression.
Not really anonymous - just
Not really anonymous - just don't want to look for my password now. But, I agree that the best way to determine how a mom feels is to gently ask her. Many birth/first moms are reluctant to "rock the boat," and especially say anything negative. You might have to draw her out and ask specific questions to determine how she's feeling.
Jan Baker
I second Barb's suggestion
I second Barb's suggestion to simply ask. I'd add to maybe let her know that you won't be upset if there are things she'd like to change/adjust. I know it's sometimes hard for me to express dissatisfaction (in lots of areas of life, not just adoption) for fear that the other person might get angry or hurt. So if there is any concern on her side, that might make it easier for her to share.
thank you, I think I
thank you,
I think I will do just that.
As I have learned her communication style, I also know she indirectly tells me about things she is struggling with in terms of her identity in society as a woman who placed a child for adoption.
Once she said, "Someone at work said, why do you call her your daughter, she is somone else's daughter now" and then I just replied "She is your daughter. She is my daughter , too. The thing is, not everyone is going to get it, so you might just want to be selective about who you open yourself up to."
Of course, I would be dishonest if it didn't feel "weird" when we go to visit her, and she introduces E. as her daughter. I don't have disagree with it, it just feels odd.
Our daughter is almost 4. Her first mother lives 2 hours a way. We get together about every 2-3 months.
H. does seem happier in general, and my daugther is very affectionate and is eager to share accomplishments with her. She couldn't wait until H. came last time to see her time, so she could show her riding her bike.
Another thing...sometimes when we visit , we get so lost in our conversations I forget how we know each other. I think thats a reflection of our connection/friendship as two women, and we came about that frienship in a very sacred and unusual way.
I only wish that my
I only wish that my birthchilds mom would be a friend to me like you are to the birthmother of your child. How do I communicate that I want to support her parenting in every way and have no intention of ever doing anything in word or deed to change the family situation. I guess I'll have to wait a few years maybe before they 'really' trust me. Even though I'm totally on the same page as them with values and lifestyle
Your description of their
Your description of their relationship is beautiful. My daughter also loves to show me her latest accomplishments.
As for visits, I've never initiated a visit. I just don't feel right doing it, but your question has certainly made me wonder if they wish I did initiate some visits. I'm not sure I'd ever feel comfortable doing so though. Luckily, we've settled into a pretty predictable visit schedule.
it may seem simple --- ask
it may seem simple --- ask her. on the next visit, or perhaps by phone, start a dialogue about adoption, how you feel, ask her how she feels... she'll know you care about her feelings and how she's doing.
How long has it been?
How long has it been? Maybe she is still dealing with issue of giving her child up and it really has nothing to do with you. Her silence may be an indication her greatfulness and you may never know just how comfortable/satiesfied she is b/c even if she has an issue she may feel it may not be worth the while to voice her concern. I would continue to reach out to the birth mother to let her know that you are thinking of her. Be encouraged!!