When having a conversation with our 7 year old son, his birthfather refers to us as "Lisa" and "John", not as "your mom" or "your dad" or "your parents". For example, he will say, "Did Lisa and John take you to the zoo?" or "Do Lisa and John let you eat candy".
We have had talks to him about this, but he continues to do it. He says it was not his choice that his son be adopted, but he was notified of the birth mother's pregnancy and intention not to parent and was served with termination papers and he just didn't show up. He didn't visit the birth mother at all during her pregnancy, nor did he show up for the hearing. Our son did not see him for the first time until he was almost three and that is because we took him out of town for the visit (all the adoption coounselors kept telling us how important it would be for our son to know his birthfather, so we sought him out).
Since then the birthfather acts entitled to his role as our sons father or parent. Our son knows that he is his birthfather, but it seems like his birthfather wants our son to see him as a parent or as his "father" in the same way he sees my husband. I don't think he ever wanted to raise him with the birthmother or to be a single parent, but I think he wishes that the birthmother had parented him as a single parent without financial help so that he could "claim" him and be the only seen as the "father".
We think that if he keeps doing these things, he only cause confusion for our son and we are thinking of cutting off contact. Any advice would be appreciated.
Maybe he just needs more
Maybe he just needs more time to come to terms fully with his situation; and maybe referring to you by your first names, when talking to your son, is not really as bad as you think. If you just try to imagine him as a kind of special uncle, (even though he really doesn't want to just accept that role at the moment) there's a good chance that, in time, he will start to talk more as though his role is not a parent's role, and will start to acknowledge you more as your son's parents, and talk more approprately. My daughter is 15 and we have had her for 13 years. Her birth family have been wonderful, and have gradually over the years come around to (usually) referring to us as "Your Mum and Dad" when speaking to our daughter, and if they inadvertently use our first names when speaking to her, we wouldn't take offence, because no offence would be intended.
First...I'd like to say
First...I'd like to say Kudos to you for seeking the birthfather out and offering him and your son the opportunity to get to know each other. That is not an easy thing for most people to do, and I think that that act in itself was such a wonderful gift for your son.
What you are struggling with now, however, is obviously a sticky situation in which you've got the birthfather on one hand that is not respecting you and your husband as the adoptive parents, and more importantly...your son on the other hand with a chance to know his birthfather. My first advice would be to try to, once again, communicate with the birthfather and let him know that you sought him out in good faith and were doing what you believed to be the best thing for your son. I would ask to please be respectful to the fact that your son knows you as "Mom" and "Dad" and to please do the same because it is what is best for your son.
Before cutting off contact...how does your son feel about his birthfather? Has he formed an attachment? I think I'd get a good idea about how cutting off all contact would effect your son before doing so.
Of course...I'm saying this like this is easy. I know it is not. My daughter's birthgrandparents (birthfather's side) have not accepted her adoption and have caused some very serious problems with our family, which have resulted in us moving out of state...far away from them. Despite these problems...the birthfather still brings them to our 1 visit a year. It is VERY, VERY, difficult for me to be face to face with these people. But, (after setting out some clear boundaries) we are still allowing them to see her at this visit and send presents to her. I'm not doing it for them; I'm doing it for my daughter. She is not quite 2 years-old yet. I know she doesn't know them and what significance they have in her life. But one day she will, and I want her to know that I never kept anything from her and offered the opportunity to know her birthfamily and her heritage. I also know that, perhaps, after she gets to know these birthgrandparents...she may choose to limit contact on her own. Which (I must confess) would be just great with me!!!!!
I wish you the best of luck!