Ok, well, I am having a lot of issues with my sons first mother and grandmother....I will try to be brief. We are adopting two brothers who we have had for a year. They are 1 & 2 years old. Looking back now, I think the grandmother went into this situation with a lot different and higher expectations than we did. She has yelled at us, accusing us of not letting her see the boys (and not understanding the difficulties we had in becoming parents to a toddler and a newborn overnight), she's constantly telling her daughter that she needs to be over here "seeing her kids", she calls her daughter mom in front of me, and she seems to be very controlling and manipulative. Because of the confrontations we had with her at the beginning, I do not feel very comfortable around her and dread her phone calls and requests for visits. In my opinion, she ruined any chance of a good relationship because of how she treated us. Honestly, I wish that we only had the first mother to deal with and even then in moderation. I'm beginning to wonder if there should be some separation at the beginning so that the first family can have time to heal and release the children to the adoptive family, and so the adoptive family can bond and become a family. I feel that because of the stress and anxiety this relationship has caused, it has affected my ability to bond with my older son, especially. Mostly because I feel like I'm having to share him and he's not completely mine.
I understand that in the long run, the open relationship will be very good for my children so they (hopefully) will not have to deal with the rejection issues. But, isn't it reasonable to have some separation at the beginning? I am just so overwhelmed with this situation and can't imagine in being like this forever. Something has to change, but I don't really know what. I wish that we had known more at the beginning and would have been able to have a clearer view of what we were desiring. Maybe they would have agreed and maybe they wouldn't, but at least we could have talked about it at the beginning.
We are in a similar
We are in a similar situation with my daughter's birthgrandparents...the birth father's parents. In our situation, they were stalking us, parking out front of my son's school (he is our biological son...not their grandson), and walking behind our house and peeking in the windows. We ended up moving out of state....to get a lot of distance between us and them.
The birthfather has been very supportive...even horrified by his parents behavior, but he still insists that when we have our one visit a year...that his parents have to be there. It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to face these people after what they have put us through. (Besides stalking, etc, they had been calling themselves "Grandma and Grandpa"..even sending gifts monogrammed with those names!)
Long story short...we have stood up to these people and will not give into their "demands" because of the horrible way they have treated us. We have communicated to the birthfather (in a noncombative, gentle way) that we have to put OUR family first and do what we feel is best for our family....like move to a different state so that his parents can no longer play "peeping Tom" on us and stalk our children. He understands and is trying to work with his parents to stop their bad behavior.
Like you, we want to have a relationship with the birthfather. Right now...it seems to be working out that his parents can be present at our visit...at least they behaved themselves (for the most part) this past visit. However...he knows that we do not trust them and that if they once again "cross the line"...we will cut them out of the relationship because we will NOT expose our children to adults who behave badly (if we have can help it).
My prayers and thoughts are with you because I know EXACTLY how you feel. I still struggle with the negative feelings I have for the birthgrandparents....every time I hear from the birthfather, or get yet another package in the mail from his parents. But I know that I have to let go of these feelings and focus on enjoying the true miracle and blessing that my daughter has brought to our lives. I would walk on hot coals to have her in my life!
If I could suggest anything it would be this...perhaps you could sit down one on one with the birthmother and explain how much you want to have a positive relationship with her and even her mother. But that there are some things troubling you. See if perhaps she could intervene on your behalf with her mother.
Best of luck to you!
I just wanted to point out
I just wanted to point out that these behaviors (i.e., stalking) would be inappropriate in *any* family member. I think there's a tendency (and I'm not saying anyone on this site is doing this) to demonize openness in adoption instead of demonizing this behavior. Which is to say that setting boundaries in adoption is no different than setting boundaries in other relationships.
I think very often we adoptive families tend to hold first family members to a higher standard OR to bend over backwards tolerating behavior that hurts us or our families BECAUSE they are first family members.
That's not what open adoption is.
Open adoption is not a one-size fits all policy and it takes time to grow and nurture ANY important relationship, including those formed by adoption.
I think what's important is to understand that there are very deep-seated, intense emotions at play for ALL of us in the triad and to make allowances WITHOUT treading on our boundaries. So to me, a first grandparent calling themselves a grandparent, well, that's just the facts. But stalking? Hey, that's inappropriate for ANY relative. My sense is that when we allow some measure of control (like letting family members choose what the child will call them) it's easier to then set limits on other issues that are far more important.
Relationships with first families aren't about us -- they're about our kids. And it's pretty obvious that kids are hurt by people who are disrespecting their families but I doubt that they're hurt by having another set (or two) of grandparents. However we adoptive parents can be hurt by this especially when other boundaries are disrespected. I think it's important to know when it's about US and when it's about our kids.
I in no way wanted to sound
I in no way wanted to sound like I was "demonizing" openness in adoption. If I didn't support it, I would not be pursuing a relationship with the birthfather after everything his parents have put us through. As far as them calling themselves "Grandma and Grandpa"...we had specifically asked them NOT to at the very start because that is what our children call my husband's parents. We had asked them to please come up with another nickname that was special to them for that reason. They just refused to respect our wishes...again.
Openness in adoption can be wonderful, so we've been told. And that is our goal ... for it to be "wonderful". We have had a really rough start with the birthfather's family. But we are not losing hope that one day we can overcome all the negativity and have a positive relationship with his parents.
The birthmother and her family, on the otherhand, is the complete opposite situation. There is no apprehension whatsoever. When we meet, it is like old friends coming together and catching up. That is what we hope to achieve with the other birthfamily. But we know it will take time and a lot of help from the birthfather....and willingness on his parent's part to meet us halfway.
Artistmom, I really didn't
Artistmom, I really didn't mean to put you on the spot. I just feel a responsibility for people who come in here feeling really worried/scared/apprehensive about open adoption and want them to understand that these issues happen in lots of other family configurations and that adoption can amplify the challenges but it's not OPENNESS that's the problem -- it's the people who won't respect boundaries. That's not an adoption issue, per se, it's a family issue. I say that not for you but for people who come into the site and say, "Oh my god, see? That's why I want a closed adoption!" And I am hoping they will see that there's a difference between having a closed adoption from the get-go and setting healthy boundaries -- that may include limiting contact -- because that makes sense for that family. Does that make sense?