When I wrote the note about language for this site I did that so that visitors would know exactly what first parent means and also to make it clear that first family members are present and valued here. It's been my experience that many (certainly not all) adoption forums -- virtual and not -- are very segregated with each triad member staying in their own mostly-closed sphere. But I felt that a site focused on post-adoption support needed to include all members to be useful. After all, we have a lot to learn from each other.

I made the decision to formally select "first parent" instead of "birth parent" because I know that some first parents dislike the name birth parent so strongly that seeing it plastered all over the site would get in the way of their participation. Certainly not all first parents feel that way (our daughter's mom uses the term "birth mother" and we do, too, in our private life) but I hoped that "first parent" wouldn't be objectionable for anyone -- I naively felt like it was a pretty benign choice.

As we all know, adoption language is an emotional topic and the language we use represents the times we're living in. Birth mother used to be a politically correct and now it's not. Adopter is a legal term but many adoptive parents find it offensive. And it turns out, "first parent" makes a lot of people pretty angry. I'm sorry about this but I want to explain why I stand by my position to continue to use it on this site:

1. Because, as I said, there are many first family members who are extremely offended by the term "birth mother" and because historically first families have been marginalized in the adoption discussion I think that their feelings about language should take precedence.

1. Because I see "first parent" as being quite simply factually accurate. Before the adoption, they are the parents. They were parents first. This doesn't mean that they "win" at parenting (as in first place, putting adoptive parents into second place), it's an ordinal fact.

I don't ask that other families adopt "first family" as a term when writing about their own situations and stories. If you call yourself or your child's other parent calls him or herself a birth parent, then it's appropriate to use that term when sharing here. I only ask that we all be respectful of the other members of this site and that everyone appreciate why I've made the decision to formally use "first family" in the site construction.

If you've got any questions, please feel free to contact me through the private messaging system or the contact form or discuss it in the comments below. I'm totally open to hearing what you all have to say about this.