posted orginially at my blog 7.16.07

one thing i wish i had known prior to placement, and there was no way to obtain this knowledge, was how much of a role Nature plays. in short, just because you've made an adoption plan in your head doesn't mean your body is privy to the latest gossip. i mean, pregnancy is a "whole body experience", right? so the fact that you place doesn't override for what your body has been working up to these past 9 months. (maybe there are some women who can override the body. the mind is a powerful thing. let me know your thoughts in the comments)

 i nested. i felt almost guilty, because i was fully aware of what i was doing. i made my dingy, clean-but-never-looking-so, tiny 1 bedroom as warm & comfortable as possible in a few short days. i cleaned compulsively, which isn't my disposition. i spent hours on a third generation, faux velvet, western themed loveseat wrapped in a blanket, just surrounded by my stuff. i would catch myself enjoying the space, belly hanging out in a one piece, pushing-maximum-capacity black sleep-thingie and feel guilty. like i wasn't supposed to enjoy these moments.

just because the baby goes home with someone else doesn't mean the hormones that have been running rampant just screech to a halt because of some internal "hey, there's no baby here after all" memo. for about the first two weeks, i would alternately laugh & cry at the most inappropriate moments, say inappropriate things. sure, you could chalk some of it up to being stunned at what had transpired over the past 6 months, but a lot of it was just plain old Mommy hormones. i didn't realize at the time i was "normal", i thought i was just in a really bad way and out of control.

and, well, i don't have to say much about the whole milk thing. fortunately that wasn't a huge issue & resolved itself in about a week.

there was a piece missing, my body told me. something wasn't quite right. i had my car keys, my driver's license, my wallet...but...what was it that i was forgetting? i was supposed to be "returning to my normal life". why was i losing my mind (at 3 weeks post-baby) over not being able to fit into that cute skirt that fit me at 130lbs, not 190 lbs? and why didn't any of my shoes fit, dammit?

at the suggestion of a friend, i began reading books on infant/newborn death. not something i recommend for everyone, but it made me realize a few things, like the post-pregnancy-but-no-baby hormonal roller coaster. maybe a few coping skills, modified. i plowed through reams of paper, writing unsent letters to the Kiddo, trying to explain why.

i wish someone had told me to really pay attention to the pregnancy, to enjoy the better aspects rather than keeping the finish line in sight. that it was okay (and normal) to like being pregnant if you're placing. i had it worked in my head that i didn't deserve happy times, that this was penance. that it was okay if i wandered around in Baby Gap just because. the sales clerk didn't know of my adoption plans. but i felt that everyone knew and was frowning. i wish someone had told me that post-pregnancy is tough for most women, and when added loss is present, it's normal to be weirder than usual.

 i wish someone had told me to truly enjoy the good times, guilt-free.