closed adoption

• b-mother-

  I didn't expect to like this book. There's something about the slightly precious use of the term "b-mother" in the title and the tiny infant one-piece pictured on the cover that made me think this might be a novel that wrapped up all of its' endings into a tidy bundle of happy birthmother/happy adoptive family.

  But Maureen O'Brien surprised me. The novel begins as Hillary Birdsong heads to a clinic for a pregnancy test, and unfolds over the course of several decades as she relinquishes her son Tom, graduates from high school and then college, and builds a life for herself in a tiny seaside town in Maine. Though she chose Tom's adoptive parents, and they write to her once a year with news of her son, she is not permitted to contact him or them until he turns 18.

  The writing gets off to a clunky start, and the early parts of the book feel a little strained, but O'Brien eventually hits her stride and writes compellingly - and believably - about Hillary's experiences. When her friend at the maternity home gives birth and then bolts without signing papers, consigning her daughter to foster care, you understand why it was easier for her to do that than to put pen to paper and make it real. When another friend at the home gives birth and announces "I made them happy. I really am quite brave," Hillary thinks to herself: "she's like a baby doll. Pull her string and watch her go."

  As she gets older, Hillary's desperate need for letters and news about Tom and her total inability to contact him or his parents begins to feel absolutely paralyzing. She loves Tom's adoptive mom, and this is a bit of a balm to the reader, and to Hillary herself, knowing that her son is being raised by the mother that she wanted for him. But she's not drinking the adoption Kool-Aid - her relationship with her own mother dwindles to almost nothing for many years after the relinquishment, and she is aware that she is not interested in intimate relationships because the relationship she wants most is one she cannot have. Even as she builds a life for herself in Maine, she is painfully aware that she's in a holding pattern that won't end until she is able to have contact with her son. When, 18 years after she relinquishes Tom, her father refers to him as "Small Fry," it becomes suddenly obvious how Hillary's parents - who pressured their daughter to relinquish Tom - have been impacted by the loss of their grandson in ways they have never been willing (or able) to talk about.

  The novel is moving and the characters are complex and believable. The ending is not a surprise, but it's satisfying all the same. The book is insightful and the writing beautifully illustrates one woman's experience in living with tremendous loss. It's well worth a read.

   

• Not A Moment Too Soon-

  Across America, this might have been just another autumn Saturday, but in west Texas, today, a miracle took place, one that was six decades in the making.

  Because it was 63 years ago that a frightened young woman made a loving adoption plan for a baby she'd carried in secret but could not parent.

• The Girls Who Went Away-

  The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade by Ann Fessler. In short, this is the best non-fiction book I have read in a long, long time. And I’m that nerd that loves non-fiction: memoirs, histories, biographies and tell-alls. I love them all!

• When A First Parent Closes an Adoption-

  Our adoption was supposed to be open.

  We made it explicit in our prospective adopter profile (what many people call a “Dear Birthmother” letter) and to our agency. In fact, because our desire for openness matched our daughter’s mother’s desire, we were chosen ahead of several other families waiting for placements.