Open Adoption Support » Community Wisdom

The relationship with our son’s birthfather’s family is one-sided. Is there anything we can do?

Anonymous — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 17:52:52 +0000

We have an open adoption with both of our son’s birthparents and their extended families. We have a great relationship with his birthmother and her family and manage to arrange regular visits even though we live about 5 hours away. Our son’s birthfather and his family also live in the same area. Our son’s birthfather did not include his parents in his decision to place, and when they found out (after the fact), they were not initially and then only grudgingly supportive of the choice. Despite the rough beginning, they reached out to us and we gladly responded to include them in a fully open relationship including visits. Our initial visits were awkward and also promising; however, over the years, our son’s birthfather and his parents seem to respond to us less and less. Scheduling visits is almost impossible now – we generally don’t get a response to calls, emails or texts. When we do, it tends to be very last minute (12 hours before the planned date). Even if we plan months ahead, they seem [unwilling/unable] to request time off from their work schedules or notify us of their schedules so we can work around it. When we do manage to connect, they are always very quiet, and do not engage us at all. We try to talk about our son and his development, or ask questions about their life and what their kids are doing, but we barely get any response. In fact, if we don’t make an attempt to talk with them, they just sit and talk to each other and ignore us completely. In addition to missed visits, our son’s birthfather and his parents no longer answer our phone calls (even on holidays) and don’t view the online sharing sites that we update.

They obviously love their grandson as they have met us for a few visits and buy gifts for our son’s birthday/Christmas. But their lack of response to any contact from us and their refusal to make room in their schedule to see us or help plan visits makes it seem to us like the contact is sometimes too much or too hard for them. Because they do not answer the phone we are not sure how to have a conversation about the situation (we only see them at visits right now) and we are afraid they will retreat further if we push too hard.

We have sent letters indicating that the relationship is important to us and to our son and that we value them – they are Grandma and Grandpa to our son after all. Is there anything else we can do? Just thought I’d ask and see how any of you would handle this.

My 16 year old daughter is struggling in her open adotion. Help!

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 12:59:53 +0000

I have a 16 year old daughter, open adoption. She has five birth siblings, same mother, and was the only child placed. We have supported her desire to get to know the birth family but it is tearing my daughter apart. She feels guilty about not being part of their lives and is pushing us away in a very painful way. They live across the country and we have been arranging for her to spend time at Christmas and summer with them, but their lives are chaotic and last summer refused to respond so the travel arrangements fell apart.The
birth mother has never dealt with her own grief regarding her decision to place this child. She would like our daughter to come live with her. It is a nightmare. Any experiences or suggestions appreciated.

My child’s birth parents send unequal amount of presents. How do I handle it?

Anonymous — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 13:02:25 +0000

Just thought I’d throw this out and see how any of you would handle this. Our daughter’s birthmother rarely sends presents to her. She does sometimes….just very infrequently. The birthfather and his parents are OVERLY generous on the other hand (so much so I had to respectfully request they limit the gift-giving…I mean the UPS truck was at our door weekly!!!). Anyway…our little girl is very smart and VERY perceptive. And we have been telling her about her birthfamilies since she was 2 (she sees each of them once a year as well). So she knows about them and knows they have a role in her life. (So far so good.) The issue is…as soon as she receives a present in the mail from the birthfather and his parents….she expects to be receiving one from the birthmother as well and becomes disappointed when she does not. For example..this past Christmas…Big box from birthfather and parents…nothing from birthmother. Her birthday is coming up, and I am anticipating the same situation. I do not want her to reach the wrong conclusion that one loves her more than the other, because I know that that is NOT the case. But at 5 years old…presents are apparently speaking louder than words. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

My friend’s open adoption closed. Is there anything she can do?

Anonymous — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 15:49:54 +0000

i have a friend whose adoption is supposed to be open.yet the adoptive mother is refusing any contact.she never wanted to give up her son in the first place.she has been clean over a year and doesnt want to take him away just to be part of his life any ideas on what she can do

I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact with our son’s addicted birth parents.

Anonymous — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:44:38 +0000

We have a 20 month old son, which also means we have a 20 month old open adoption relationship with his birth parents. That means we are still learning and figuring out how to work in this relationship (and probably will for the foreseeable future). My question is this…how do we maintain a relationship, if it is even possible, with someone dealing with addiction? Also, living several states away (which wasn’t true at the time of placement)?

First off I have only a small idea of what addition is like; over eating, playing too many video games, etc, etc, but none of that has been enough to change the course of my life. So while I can emphasize with her addictions, I know I will never completely understand what she is going through. Quite honestly, I hope I never have to completely understand. However, I would like to keep a door open to her in regards to a possible relationship with our son. I want to be able to do that without being taken advantage of and I know that is a fine, fine line.

So I am looking for advice on how to accomplish maintaining meaningful contact. I am afraid, if the past is any indication, this relationship will be largely one sided.

My nerves are shot dealing with our daughter’s birth family. Help!

Anonymous — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:11:55 +0000

I have a fairly difficult open adoption situation. Our birth mother was very young when she gave birth and she is still unable to drive. Her grandmother brings her to the visits which are in mutually agreed upon public locations. Her boyfriend also comes along. We take our entire family as these visits are usually our one activity for our weekend. My 5-year old son is beginning to have a hard time. He’s adopted from Guatemala and is jealous because his sister is getting all of this attention from her “birth family.” I don’t want to take him anymore, but I don’t want to hurt the birth family’s feelings either. They are pretty easily upset…

The situation is difficult to say the least… The birth mother also wants my daughter to still call her “Mommy”. I can’t quite accept that. My daughter is only 2 years old. She was 6-weeks old when we were granted custody, but was 5 months old before the adoption was completed in court! Please help! My nerves are shot dealing with this family. I have nightmares of the
birth mother showing up at our doorstep in the middle of the night because she has had a falling out with her family… HELP!!!

How do I bring up adoption as an option for someone experiencing a crisis pregnancy?

Anonymous — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 01:42:46 +0000

I have a cousin (through marriage) that is currently 19 years old, has a 14 month old little boy and is also 8 months pregnant. She has mentioned to me several times recently that she “doesn’t want this baby” – which means that she knows she will continue to struggle financially and will have trouble finishing her schooling. I feel that she thinks she is “stuck” and has no other option but to raise her. We have grown up in strong hispanic families that don’t necessarily believe in adoption, rather having family members help when needed, but I know adoption can be an option for her right now. How would I do this properly? I don’t want to scare her, but I think she is viewing adoption in only the closed sense.

How do I respectfully open a discussion about handling posting of pictures?

Anonymous — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 01:42:16 +0000

We had a rough road to finalizing the adoption of our 15 month old daughter; her teenage birth mom changed her mind and tried to get her back after surrender and placement, but ultimately her criminal record, and the record of abuse in the home of her mother, where she lives, prevented that from happening. Now we’re trying to have a relationship. Today we had our first visit. It was my husband and me, my five year old son and our daughter, and the birth mom and birth grandmother.

My question is regarding the sharing of pictures. In our PACA (post adoption contact agreement), it stipulates that the birth mom is not permitted to post pictures of our daughter on Facebook. I can see that the birth g’ma already did, but the birth mom’s Facebook page is locked, so we can’t see anything there.

They took a lot of pictures today. I’m uncomfortable with either of them posting, and my husband is not sure how he feels about it. I don’t want to offend them just as we’re trying to get started on a friendly road. I’d love some feedback.

Is it appropriate if my daughter’s first mother refers to her as HER daughter?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:04:32 +0000

Our daughter is 3 years old and we are involved in an open adoption with both birthparents (birthparents are not together). Birthmom has predominantly visited us with her family (parents/2 sibllings). Historically, I have alwasys felt that she has been very respectful of my position as “Mom”-when talking to our daughter, making effort to refer to me as “Mommy”. Birthmom has always been referred to by her first name.

Birthmom’s mom has a rather strong, vibrant personality and within first year of our daughter’s birth stated at an early visit “so is there a “Nana” in the picture??”. We were taken aback and just responded “no” (which is true- our Moms go by other “Grandma-like” names). Since then, she has always referred to herself as “Nana” (addresses books and signs cards this way). In retrospect, perhaps we should have handled this diffferently. I share this part to give context to me inquiry.

For the very first time ever, birthmom bought a “Love You Daughter” birthday card for our daughter. I was surprised by it and admittedly, I cannot deny that I have been struggling with
this issue ever since. It is ouchy to the heart. I always thought that there would only be 2 people to give her that kind of card-myself and my husband. Though I do honour that this young woman carried our daughter for 9 months and chose us to parent her. I am debating if a “boundary” should be set in this regard. Ultimately, I know it is great for our daughter to feel loved “best interests of the child” approach). I am just wondering if this is the presidence that should be set or want to be set (not really according to my heart)?

Is it potentially confusing for my daughter- whether now or later (should more “daughter” references persist)? I feel badly about mystruggles with this situation and would not want to cause hurt in theopen adoption relationship. Yet sometimes I wonder if my husband andI need to consider setting more boundaries- we have conductedourselves with a lot of flexibility and openess. Lately, I havestarted to feel like it is as if our daughter is “on lease” to us. Iknow that is not true and not what is intended by the birthfamily, butthis latest deal with the card is challenging my confidence andsecurity. Do I need to be the “bigger person” and move on, forgiveher for the insensitivity? OR is this when I need to identify anissue? If the latter- where do I begin? The other complication isthat most communication tends to be faciliated through birthmom’s mom.

Thanks for feedback- I am anxiously awaiting!

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird?

Anonymous — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 19:00:50 +0000

I care about the children that my placed son first father has had with his wife. Is this unhealthy and weird? FYI, the first father and I visit together and have had all the same contact from the very beginning. When he became married, his wife came with him to the visits. So she had brought her children(2y and 1y) to the visits as well, three times now she has been at visits with the first father and myself. Just telling you so you know that I don’t just randomly care about kids I have never met.

I care about her too, the first fathers wife, as a person, really I do! Is this unhealthy and wrong? Recently I have had a issue with her, she blocked me from her commenting on her online videos that she has available to the whole world, but now, not me.