Open Adoption Support » Community Wisdom

If I give my child up for adoption, will I still get to see my child a lot?

Anonymous — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:33:57 +0000

Hi, I’m pregnant with my first child and we have decided to put our baby up for adoption. However, we most certainly do want to do an open adoption. But I am scared, and wondering if I will still get to see my child a lot? I still love our baby and still want to be a part of their lives as much as possible, but at the same time I don’t want to feel like I’m always trying to be in the adoptive parents picture. The father wants to know if even weekend visits are permitted or are they all supervised by the adoptive parents?

How involved was/is your family in either the choice to adopt or the adoption as a whole?

Anonymous — Wed, 09 May 2012 11:32:15 +0000

I’ve always been curious about what it was like for ‘the other side’ the adoptive families and how their families reacted to the decision to adopt or pursue adoption.

For me, as a first mom, I purposely excluded my family from the decision, but now, I wish they wanted to me a bigger part of the openness I experience. My mom especially turns down any offers of visits with my placed son and my siblings make excuses which amount to avoiding the idea of visiting or learning anything about my placed son (their birth-grandchild/nephew/cousin).

I know that before giving birth my son adoptive parents promised me that their church and their family was praying for me, which I liked very much. The one time I was fortunate enough to be at their church, I experienced their prayers there as well and loved that the whole community loved(and love) my placed son so very much. I really hope that every adopted child has that, a devoted loving community of friends and family, but I know it doesn’t always happen, no matter how devoted an adoptive family is.

Anyone have any good books that will help me find the words to start that conversation with my son?

Anonymous — Tue, 08 May 2012 22:14:16 +0000

My son is 4 1/2 and I’ve recently learned his first mom is now starting a family. I haven’t heard from her directly in quite some time. In other words, if she were present in his life this conversation would happen more organically because he would be seeing the changes in her life firsthand.

Anyone have any good book titles aimed at the kindergarten set that will help me find the words to start that conversation with him?

Any ideas about gifts for Mother’s Day for my daughter’s first/birth mom?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 May 2012 22:17:18 +0000

We are preparing to celebrate our first mothers day with our daughter’s first/birth mom. Any ideas about gifts? Also, Unfortunately we have a college graduation out of state we are attending Mothers Day weekend so our visit has been pushed back to the weekend after, should we give it to her in person when we visit or mail it so it is there on the actual day?

How do I go into this with both eyes open, but in a way that’s fair to myself and to my son and to his first mom?

Anonymous — Mon, 07 May 2012 17:58:33 +0000

We have an open relationship of varying degrees with several of our son’s first family members. The most open is with our son’s maternal grandparents, who live near us and who see him weekly plus regular sleep overs. Until now, their daughter, our son’s birth mother has maintained a desire not to have a relationship. She recently started asking her mom (our son’s grandmother) about getting to know us etc. Our son’s grandmother had been reticent to pass along the info, but finally has, realizing that it’s not her decision.

She has good reason to be reticent. Our son’s birth mother has addiction issues and continues to make choices that are not good for her. Birth grandmother believes the reaching out is more to appease her and as a way to get back into their life. I guess for now I’m thinking that whatever reason, if it opens a door for SOMETHING in the future, it’s good. And it is progress that she would care what her parents think of her.

But … I’m worried. I’m worried that I am too trusting and too optimistic (which backfired hugely when we opened the door to our son’s birth father). I have read a lot of good advice here before about alcoholism and other addiction issues and how it will basically impossible for a good relationship to exist in those situations b/c the drug will always come first. I guess the way I’m seeing it right now is that my son is two. I can control is environment a lot right now, and some contact now even if his birth mother is unable to maintain it in the future, or if it all goes horribly wrong, will be some contact, which is better for my son than none. Would I keep my son from my mom or sister if she were an addict? No. I wouldn’t. There would be huge boundaries etc. but unless my mom or sister was abusive, harmful etc. then no. He’d still have contact, so I can’t conceive of denying contact with his first mom.

So how do I go into this with both eyes open, but in a way that’s fair to myself and to my son and to his first mom? What lines do I draw if any? I will be meeting with her at least once alone. Is it ok for me to make some rules? How do I say that without sounding like a jerk? How do I do it in a way that doesn’t scare her away? What can I even expect from someone who puts drugs above all else, if anything?

How do we spend two hours in a small room with Bmom and a 2 week old and make it a good visit for all involved?

Anonymous — Sat, 05 May 2012 22:34:48 +0000

We have our first visitation with our 2 week old daughters Bmom on the 11th. We are suppose to make it something special because it is near Mother’s day. The Bmom has pretty serious mental health issues and while we are scared about the visit, we are more worried about things to do on a visit. It will be a supervised visit taking place at the agency. Any ideas on things to do during our 2 hour long visit? Any Mother’s day type things? How do you spend two hours in a small room with a Bmom and a 2 week old and make it a good visit for all involved? We are seriously out of ideas and need them!!!!!!!

My daughter’s birth father denies her. Do I tell her who he is?

Anonymous — Thu, 03 May 2012 22:59:47 +0000

Our AD was placed with us as a foster child at 3weeks old (9-03), we were her 3rd placement. She was suffering from severe cocaine withdrawls. We have contact with her birth mother (she is now clean) through letters and pictures and we have met up with her twice last year. We have however not had any contact with her birth father. I have recently found him on facebook and sent him a message telling him who I was and asking him if he wanted to have some contact with us through letters and/or pictures. Or if he could write her a letter for when she is older if he wanted no contact. Well he completley denied being her birth father, I have DNA test to proove it. I know its him because I seen his picture online and we would see each other in court. And his daughter who he raised alone reached out to me and confirmed he is the right guy. He has never laid eyes on this little girl who is now 8. She wants to know who her birth father is and I have no idea how to tell her he completely denies her. Has anyone had this type of expirience before?

I worry that she’s in denial and seeing the baby will hurt her more and us too. What do I do?

Anonymous — Wed, 02 May 2012 15:13:51 +0000

My husband and I adopted our son as a newborn a year ago. This was a private adoption, we met the birth parents before he was born, the initial expectations for contact was only pictures and letters. However; after our son was born, the birth mom started to seek more contact (phone calls) and once mentioned her desire to see the baby which I am fine with. Her and I talked about what was best for our baby and how we needed to put aside our own wants in lue of his well being. I’ve been sending her pictures every month since he was born. Sometimes she doesn’t reply to my emails, so I went to find her on facebook to see if she had updated her profile picture with one of the photos I had sent her. Her facebook was open, so I went to her wall and to my surprise, I noticed that she is still calling the baby by the name she gave him at birth(which is not his legal name anymore) and is also pretending that she is raising him (that she lives with him)…..I haven’t said anything yet, because I dont know what to do. I dont want to hurt her feelings, but I believe she hasnt come to terms with her decision and I dont feel it’s appropriate to use his former name, I don’t want him to be confused as he grows up. Thanks, any advise will be appreciated. I want them in our son’s live, I don’t want to close the adoption, but I worry that she is in denial and seeing the baby will hurt her more and us too.

Our daughter’s mom is in prison and doesn’t want us to know. How do we handle it?

Anonymous — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 11:43:36 +0000

Our youngest daughter is 2 1/2. Birthmom initially wanted only letters & pictures, but that evolved into into visits and somewhat regular communication. About 9 month ago B-Mom disappeared. Thanks to the internet, we were able to track her down in state prison (1.5 to 3 years). We also learned that it was a plea deal & she knew she was going away a head of time. She didn’t tell us about the charges or sentence, we suspect that she was a bit embarassed/ ashamed. Mother’s day is approaching & we aren’t sure how to handle it…Do we send a card & letter to the agency & pretend we don’t know? Or do we send a card, ect to the prison & express our love & support to her no matter the ciircumstance?

Have you had visits with your children’s different birth mothers work out? Any advice?

Anonymous — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 11:39:10 +0000

My husband & I are trying to plan a family day in the summer with both of our kids birthfamilies. So far all of our visits have been separate .. either with our sons birthfamily or our daughters, but hey all haven’t met eachother yet. I know that every family is different but I was still curious if anyone else has done this and how it’s worked out?