Open Adoption Support

My daughter’s first mom just doesn’t respond to questions especially regarding visits. We don’t talk on the phone often, never have. I wish we did but we’re all not very big phone people so we have done lots of emailing. I’m trying to set up a visit which requires booking flights and arrange for the visit and she just will not respond with dates. I’m a planner so it does frustrate me but also the prices of everything go up the closer you get to travel. She has said that she wants us to visit. I just don’t know how hard I should press. Any advice/opinion?

We have had 2 visits this year so far. Last year was more, I’m wondering if maybe she’s just wanting some time apart for awhile but don’t know how to go about asking her since she always seems excited to get together.

Story:

Documentary follows an African-American girl’s search for her birth mother within an adoptive family comprising a melting pot of race, culture and sexuality. Avery Klein-Cloud is a happy New York teenager who lives with her family and hopes to get a track scholarship to college. But as the documentary “Off and Running” reveals, Avery’s family is not your average American household.

“I’m adopted by two white mothers, one who was born in Israel and she’s Jewish and they other was born in Illinois. I have an older brother who’s three months older than me, who’s a mix of black and Puerto Rican, and he’s currently at Princeton and I have a younger brother that’s Korean, from Queens,” said Klein-Cloud.
It’s within this melting pot of culture, race and sexuality that Avery feels a strong desire to find her birth mother and her curiosity about her biological African-American roots grows. This creates an emotionally charged situation at home and Avery becomes more distant from her family.

“I think it was really hard on myself and my parents and I think it was just partially because of the point I was in in my life, it made it more difficult for everybody to deal with. But they were always supportive,” she said. Klein-Cloud’s displacement and questioning is captured by director Nicole Opper. Opper, who was Klein-Cloud’s film teacher at school. Opper said she became drawn to Avery’s story because her household is reflective of the world children are growing up in today; one that is mixed and where race and gender lines blur. Klein-Cloud says she hopes that the film helps parents to understand that their children will experience challenges and even if they push their parents away at times, they still love them. She also thinks it holds a strong message for children.

“I definitely feel like this film has let me open up and talk. I was able to finally talk and that helps, it gets it all out of your mind. And I think, you know, it should for all high school students, just show, you’re not alone, it happens to the best of us and you can get through it,” she said.

“Off and Running” premieres at the Tribeca Film Festival on Sunday (April 26) and it will also be broadcast in the U.S. on the PBS program “P.O.V.” in 2010.

Hello,
We are searching for advice on how to begin an open adoption with our son’s first mom. What should the first letter say? Also if she does want an open adoption what the next steps should be? We are not sure if our son’s first mom was given the opportunity to choose if she would like an open adoption since it was an international adoption. We feel that for her and the son we both share we should see if she would like to have contact with us. We do know that she brought clothing to the hospital to dress him in and expressed her desire that she wanted it to go with him and for him to know that it came from her. We feel that this might be a sign that she does desire some kind of contact with us about the son we both share.

My husband is adopted and just recently had a reunion with his first father’s family. My husband nor his first father’s family was ever given the chance or option to have an open adoption which is something that deeply saddens us as well as them. We feel that we understand what our son is going to feel as he becomes older and maybe what his first mother might feel if she desires contact and was never given the opportunity.

We would appreciate any advice or wisdom anyone has to offer. If there are any books or sites on the internet that would help guide us that anyone knows of that also would be wonderful.

When placing my daughter for adoption I lied and stated the birth father was a one night stand and I didn’t know him.  Truthfully he’s a drug dealer and had made threats against both me and the baby while I was pregnant.  Involving him terrifies me.  I know he has rights but I truly did what I felt was best for our daughter.  I feel horrible lying to the adoptive family and would really like to tell them the truth one day, but I’m not sure how.  I’m scared that they will hate me and close the adoption.  Any advice?

Hello. I have a question maybe someone who has a similar situation can help answer. My son is adopted. For reasons I will not go into here to protect my child’s privacy and his biological family, the biological family at their insistance does not have contact. My husband and I have recently been approached about another adoption with a different family in which the family wants an open situation. We are totally fine with that. My question is how to handle it when our son is older and asks why his other adopted sibling gets to see their first family and he can’t. Does anyone have a situation of adoption where one child doesn’t really see the first family for whatever reason and another does? How do you handle this in adoption situations?

Hi. I’m new here and happy to have your support. We have an open adoption with my son’s birthmother (and my daughter’s birth mom as well) and are planning a visit soon which will include his older sisters by birth which live with his birthmom and a younger brother who also lives with his birthmom. We also have a daughter who is his little sister through adoption. My son knows he grew in his birthmom’s tummy and that her daughters and baby boy did also. He hasn’t seemed too confused by that so far (he’s 3). We’ve been calling his bio-sibling’s Miss “a”’s kids, but I think that his birthmom’s kids refer to him as their little brother and I’m a little concerned about what they might say to him at our upcoming visit. I know his birthmom will always have his best interest at heart, but kids will be kids, and you can’t predict or control their words.

Has anyone else had to explain birth siblings, particularly older ones, to their child? I know he will eventually have questions about why he was placed, but the other children were not. I have thought and prayed about my answer a lot. I’m also wondering if using the “sister” and “brother” term right now might bring these questions up sooner than later? Like every mom(FM or AP) here, I just don’t want him to be confused or upset–especially if he’s not ready to hear and understand.

The Weekly Case Summary from The National Center for Adoption Law & Policy at Capital University in Columbus, OH
Week of June 18, 2009

From New Hampshire:
The Supreme Court of New Hampshire reversed the superior court’s order dismissing appellant grandmother’s petition for grandparent visitation, holding that although the grandmother had relinquished her parental rights to the grandchildren’s mother when the mother was an infant, appellant still maintained the ability to seek visitation with her grandchildren because she was the grandchildren’s “natural” grandparent. The court held that under RSA 461-A:13, “grandparents, whether adoptive or natural, may petition the court for reasonable rights of visitation with the minor child.” Here, the court found the even though appellant, for adoption purposes, is not the grandmother of her relinquished child’s children, she is the “natural” or biological grandparent for purposes of the visitation statute and therefore had standing to bring the visitation petition. In addition, the court found that the adoption decree had not “severed the child from its own family tree” as appellant and mother had a very close relationship after the mother had reached the age of majority.
From California:
In an unpublished opinion, the Court of Appeal of California, First Appellate District, Division One affirmed the juvenile court’s denial of appellant father’s request for court ordered mediation between himself and the prospective adoptive parents of his child, T.H., for a post-adoption contact agreement (PCA), holding that a court-mandated referral to mediation for a PCA is only applicable in adoptions involving Indian children. Under the California Family Code § 8616.5(k), a court may not set aside a decree of adoption or modify an order to terminate parental rights based upon failure to comply with a PCA; however, the court may, upon petition of the birth parent or an Indian tribe, order the parties to engage in mediation regarding a PCA if the child is an Indian child and the prospective adoptive parents have agreed to enter into negotiations and subsequently fail to negotiate in good faith. Here, the court found no abuse of discretion by the juvenile court in refusing to require PCA mediation because the adoption involved a child who was not of Indian heritage and because there was no prior agreement by the prospective adoptive parents to enter into negotiations for a PCA. In addition, the court noted that a PCA is not required for post-adoption contact, where the prospective adoptive parents agree to maintain contact and facilitate means for such contact.
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We just got back from attending DS’s fmom’s wedding, and a visit with fdad, his girlfriend and his parents.

Everything went really well, DS was in the wedding as a junior attendant with the grooms nephew as well as the bride’s nephew (DS’s cousin), DS met a lot of relatives for the first time and there are super special pictures of him with his fmom. We visited fdad in his hometown, and his parents met us there. We spent a day at a national park and waded in mountain streams and had a ball.

Here’s my problem. Fdad, and his girlfriend, are the main reasons fmom chose adoption. She did not want DS to have fdad as his father, and she didn’t want the girlfriend as any kind of step-mom (they were seeing each other while fmom was pregnant, and he would leave her alone and without a car for days at a time). fmom and fdad are no longer friendly

Face to face during visits, fdad is fine, DS likes him well enough and they have fun during visits, but it’s a sort of mask as his true nature is narcissistic and passive-aggressive. He had a habit of denying paternity during the pregnancy, and keeps DS a secret from coworkers and friends even now. I know his real character, and obviously fmom knows it. He is fine face to face for the sake of appearing to be a good guy.

For right now, we just address/accept the good direct contacts and visits, and keep conversations focused on the face value stuff, but not too long from now DS is going to wonder why he was placed. I don’t want to lie to him, or sugarcoat things, and I definitely don’t want to make excuses to make fdad look good.

How will I explain that the guy you have fun with and you like is really pathologically self absorbed? How do I not talk badly about fdad, yet still be truthful? Should I just turn the explaining over to fmom?

We all have to learn that some people hide behind masks, but it is usually about acquaintances and such, not an integral part of our life story.

3.5 years went by so fast, I can’t put off thinking about it anymore. I will feel better with a more concrete plan.

My son is six, and was placed with us as an infant in an adoption closed at his first family’s request.  His mother was given the option of various levels of contact, and declined all contact.  Because the adoption agency and the hospital both messed up, we have a lot of identifying information about our son’s first family:  both his parents’ names, dates of birth, their address at the time of placement, where they graduated from high school, their other two children’s names and dates of birth.  Our son is now starting to ask a lot of questions about them, and would like to meet them.  I’ve done a little preliminary searching on the internet, but have not yet found them.

I have two questions.  First,  how much should I respect their insistence on no contact?  They know that they can contact us if they want through the agency, and they never have. I have no interest in barging into their lives if they still don’t want contact, but I am haunted by the possibility that they have changed their minds but are afraid to barge into our lives.  How disrespectful and intrusive would it be to send a note simply saying we’re interested in exploring openness if they ever change their minds, and that their son is thriving, but he misses them and would like to meet them?

Second question:  assuming we decide to contact them, what’s the best way to start our search?  I know it shouldn’t be hard, given all the information we have, but so far I have not found on-line records that are definitely them.  If I should keep trying myself on-line, I would appreciate any recommendations of what is the best “people finder” site before I start paying for reports.  If I should hire someone to help, I would appreciate any advice on how to evaluate whether someone is reputable, and what’s a reasonable fee.

Once again I can not sleep because I keep thinking about something my daughter’s first mom said to us and I wonder if any other fm’s have done this and if it is, for lack of a better term, “normal”. FM has told all of her high school friends that the baby is in daycare or at grandma’s instead of saying she was adopted. It sounds to me like she is embarassed to have done adoption yet at her age it was a selfless and responsible decision.

She has also stated many times that she has collected many, many toys for the baby–none of which she has ever brought to the 8 visits over the past 9 months. She also constantly mentions that “her friends babies want to meet the baby”–even though she has been told multiple times visits are for her and her family only, not high school friends.

Have any of you other fm’s felt the need to cover up your adoption and pretend you still are parenting to friends? Or has anyone else had this situation? To me this explains why her networking name is Laura’s mommy and why we have been asked to participate in senior pictures—to facilitate the lie……???? Opinions?