When I think about my birthchilds life now and my life it is not a question of whether I should have parented or placed but whether I should have choosen the family I did. The family I choose now has a child that was born to them and it is obvious that they favor this new person. I don't think they even realize they do. My worst fear as a birthmom is not that the parents I choose will close the relationship we sometimes have but whether or not they actually 'want' to parent my birthchild. I have only learned now that I could have had so much help to parent but I am embrassed to admit that I had to much pride to accept any help. I imagine sometimes what my birthchilds and my life would be like now if I had choosen a different family. There was a family the birthfather and I considered before deciding on the parents and I know because of a agency newletter that this family did succeed in adopting their second child but I think they waited far too long. I sometimes wish I could have choosen them then their wait and the ages of their children would be much closer and my birthchild would have had an 'adoptive' sibling. Something I wanted and expected, but then my birthchilds parents did not expect to have a child born to them. I really wonder sometimes if they wish that I hadn't choosen them at all now that they have a child born to them. That might seem crazy....but I am human and am allowed to have doubts.

NOT MY OWN

Not my own.

Against my soul and body,

Logic tells me it is so.

Mindless Passion caused life to grow,

Answered a hope I did not know.

Of Nature we are the same,

Becoming more is your fate.

Decided for you is a different way,

For always as my Love will be,

With regret my word remains.

You do not belong to me.

Most people when they think of adoption and open adoption they think about how the adoptive parents have to accept the reality of a birthfamily. From my point of view it also come from the birthfamily too. I am very encouraged by the fact that my own mom seems to have accepted the decision I made to place instead of parent. For the first year or so it seemed that she was afraid to even put a picture or two out. She has never heistated to frame almost any picture of anyone in my whole life. Her walls are covered with pictures EVERYWHERE so it hurt my feelings a little that she couldn't accept my choice at first. Now, I think since she had the chance to visit with the parents I choose she feels that they are a part of our family now. I know that most parents who adopt think that just one person is joining there family but in the minds of birthfamilies it is them that is joining the family. Maybe the whole world is just one big happy family. I know thats too liberal and impossible. I wonder if it would offend the parents I choose to know that my mom considers them are part of our family. I hope that they would possibly consider my family as part of theres, even just in thought but not pratice. We are all just people. Nothing to really be afraid of.

Parenting is both easier and harder than I ever thought it would be. And I thought a lot about it before I placed my kiddo. I call her "the kid" a lot, kind of helps me detach a bit. But when she's with me it's "baby". She's nine. And she's my baby. The first time they brought her over while I was recovering on the couch, they were all smiles. But when they left that day, I cried "That's my baby" and only my step mother, a type of adopted mother, was there. And she didn't know how long she should comfort me or if I deserved this for getting knocked up. And they are still all smiles. And I am still crying. A beautiful little girl grew up in the meantime. And a mixed up teenager grew up, too. Into an everyday mother of two who teaches young mothers how to better parent their children. It's kind of sick ironic, but it's my life. And other than this pain, I'm not sure I would have it any other way. How can I hurt so bad about something and not be sure if I regret it? Hindsight is not 20/20. It cannot let us see the multitude of possibilities that may have sprouted if I had decided to be her everyday mom. Get it out of my head, my heart. Focus. What now? What's next? Ten years since I first met her everyday parents. I've asked for a dinner with them soon to talk about things and celebrate. It sounded like a good idea when I suggested it, but what am I going to talk about? We have a wonderful daughter, but I feel like I need to ask permission to call her "our daughter". I like the idea of a covenant. I wasn't old enough to really commit to that when I chose them, so maybe I'll do it now. Part of me wants to say it once and for all to their face, "Hey, just in case you weren't aware, this hurts for me." I don't know what good it would do. It's not a very nice thing to do. To ask someone for a favor like this - "Just stop smiling for a little bit, would ya?!!"