I am parenting one child (age 10) and birthmom to one child (age5). I’d say I have an okay relationship with the placed child and parents. We visit a 4 times a year and there’s some phone and email contact in between.
My 10 year old has stopped participating in phone calls and has expressed that he doesn’t want to go to the next visit. His father doesn’t believe we should force it. His counselor recommends letting him take the lead in the amount of contact he’d like, creating opportunities for contact and letting him choose whether to be involved or not. I tend to lean towards agreeing with them. My other child’s mother has said that if my older child does not come, we can’t have a visit. She says that they value the bond developing between the brothers and feel it’s important. An insecure part of me wonders if she’d prefer he didn’t develop a bond with me or just thinks I’m less important. I would be really sad to skip a visit chance. We’ve never missed one before. When I told her that, she said that he would be sad to not get to see his brother and stressed how important consistency of contact is to them.
Can anyone help me understand his parent’s perspective?
My most flattering evaluation is that they are totally focused on what they believe are the needs of their son (ie continuous contact). It might be that his amom feels insecure, but honestly, it’s hard to guess someone else’s motivation. And I entirely agree with your parented son’s dad and counselor that you should follow his lead. I would really hope that your ason’s mom would be understanding that you are trying to look out for the best of both boys. Maybe it would help to get a mediator, to make communication less personal?
I agree with making the best decisions for your family, just as she is for hers. I would explain again that you are most concerned about your son feeling good about visits- and ask if she’s worried about you visiting. I suspect her answer will be favorable for yor visit- as well as help her to explore your developing relationship with your son.
Also, a five year old will understand any simplified reason for your first child’s absence. They are pretty smart!
Best of luck!
I agree with your husband and councsellor and would let your parented son have more control over contact. He’s old enough and at this point, I believe that forcing him to have contact that he’s currently not comfortable with would be detrimental. I would say that open communication is the key, to hear his feelings and understand what he feels about the situation, but you mention that he has a councellor and so you’re already doing that. And kudo’s to you for doing so
As for your sons a-mom not wanting to visit if your older son doesn’t attend – well, to me that sounds very selfish and like an excuse to try to bow out of a visit. I would talk to her and let her know that your older sons isn’t comfortable right now and it’s not in his best interest to be forced. And that if she truly does care about the bond between the brothers, she’ll respect BOTH brothers and what they need. There won’t be a bond between brothers if it’s forced. Nature needs to take it’s course and it sounds like your older son needs some time.
Here’s what I think, you should have coffee with her, just you and her, in person.
People usually hear you out better in person. It could be a big misunderstanding.
She might think not bringing your parented son is your idea, no matter how much you say that it’s your parented sons idea.
I can see that happening she might just be the kind of person who has gotten used to doing things a certain way and doesn’t like change of any sort. I can understand that, yes it is kind of selfish, but in a way, it probably makes sense for her.
I don’t know what your visits are usually like. Do you guys get to sit around and talk while the boys play? If so, she might be thinking that if you come alone, she’s missing out on a girl talk session or that it would be more difficult to manage her son in the wake of his brother now showing up.
I am sure you know the reasons your parented son has for not wanting to see his brother, but I think that you need to get this adoptive mom to explain things to her child before you show up to a visit without your parented son, in person, privately so that she really ‘gets it’ that it’s not that you don’t want to bring your parented son.
I think it seems as though she (adoptive mom) has taken you for granted a bit and thinks that you will just do as she asks. I’m guessing that your placed 5 year old is a normal child that has gotten used to seeing his brother now, and yes, it will be a disruption and may feel like a total rejection to him if he expects to see his brother and does not. I mean, you count for tons in this of course and seeing you is better than not seeing anyone from his first family of course!
But, it could be easy too, your placed son might not even notice that you didn’t bring your parented son if the visit occurred in a park or some other public place of fun.
I think it’s important to be honest to everyone involved. It could involve your parented son explaining to his brother that he needs a break from visiting for now, or something like that.
I hope this turns out for the best