My husband gave a child up for adoption as a teenager, over twenty years ago. He is now curious about her and wants to contact her. I think this may cause problems for her that he hasn’t clearly thought about and is blinded by his own curiosity. I know she has reached out to her birth mother in the past. I can’t help but feel that if she wanted to know about her birth father she would have reached out to him as well. I don’t want to be insensitive to my husband. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to give a child up for adoption when you are just a child yourself. I just fear that reaching out to her could cause serious waves for all parties involved, especially her and her adoptive family. Any advice is appreciated.
Should my husband reach out to his adult daughter who was placed for adoption?
– January 4, 2013Posted in: Community Wisdom
I imagine that there are a whole lot of reasons why your husband’s daughter might have hesitated to get in touch with him. There’s a whole lot we cant know like, what is her relationship like with her birth mother? What did her birth mother say about her birth father? How did her adoptive family react to the contact? Does she have support among friends and family? There are lots of reasons he might not have heard from her.
Too often I hear stories of adoptees and birth parents who are waiting for the other person to take the first step out of respect or fear or discouragement from family members and so they deny themselves the opportunity of a relationship. Who knows, she might be waiting for him to call, right? So if he takes the first step, he’s taking some of the heat off of her and letting her make any decisions that come after.
I know that reunion can be hard on other family members — partners, other kids, parents and siblings — so I encourage you to reach out for your own support so that you can support him.
I wish you both the best.
I have not reached out to my own father through (mostly) fear and feelings of rejection. If he was interested, he’d call, right? He’d look me up on Facebook? He never has. And it stings deeply. I want him to be interested enough to come find me.
I know logically, there are a multitude of reasons that he may not be in touch — but there’s a ton of emotional complexity around these situations, especially for the adoptee. It could be that your husband’s daughter is scared, has come to conclusions about your husband’s level of interest, wants to be found — who knows? But I wouldn’t assume she doesn’t want contact.
If I were your husband I’d send her a message. Something short and warm — perhaps include a short paragraph about himself. She can ignore it if she wants to.
I think there’s a common perception that birthfathers had no wish to be involved in the pregnancy or adoption when the latter takes place, i.e. that usually an adoption occurs because the bfather isn’t involved. She might just think he’s not interested. I agree with J’s suggestion of a short note to let her know about him and that he would like to meet. No guarantee, but more information and communication might improve the situation.
I think it’s wonderful he wants to reach out to her! Who knows if the birth mother has even given her his name?? She maybe reluctant to reach out to him, thinking noone in his life even knows about her! There are so many what if’s. But if he feels love in his heart for his daughter he lost 20 years ago, he should look for her. It would likely mean the world to them both!