Our son is three years old and we have an open adoption. We currently see his birth mother and siblings about every 8-12 months. Until now he just knows he has other family members in a different City. What is the best way to begin explaining the adoption story for this age? Do we call his siblings brother and sister, do provide all the facts? Appreciate the feedback!
What is the best way to begin explaining the adoption story for a 3-year old?
– December 29, 2012Posted in: Community Wisdom
In our situation, we call my kids’ siblings brothers and sisters. We explain it to my little kids by saying “This is your bbrother or bsister.” Because they are little it helps to distinguish who is living at our home and who is living with someone else. As they get older it won’t matter to point it out. We also tell them that if their bmoms or bdads have any more kids that those kids will be their bbrothers or bsisters and will live with their bmoms and bdads. The kids also call their aunts and uncles by Aunt Jane and Uncle Jon. We provide all age-appropriate facts as we know them. We don’t want out kids to become teens and be upset with us and lose trust in us because we withheld information about their family.
We have an adoption story book that we made that tells how the kids became part of our family. We also have a pre-adoption story book which tells about their lives before they became a part of our family. They’re cute books with names, dates, places, and pictures full of happy things and some hard things that are told in short, very matter of fact ways This is what we tell my 3 year old… “Your mom and dad loved you so much and you made them happy. Your mom and dad tried hard but they needed some help so they could make their bodies healthy again. Your parents wanted what was best for you and so with the judge’s help we were asked if we take care of you the way every child needed and love you forever.” This is just an example of how you can explain something which may not be the happiest situation to a 3 year old without going into great detail simply because of their age. We’ve started to talk to my 4 year old about drugs and what they do to your body. When he’s 5 we’ll talk about how his bparents struggle with drug abuse and how those drugs make it very hard to make good choices.
My situation doesn’t sound like it applies to you but I’m just trying to show how we are slowly telling truths to our kids about their adoption and life story. There are so many good things we can tell our kids about their bparents even with all their struggles.
I have (mostly) made a lifebook scrapbook of his story from his pov, as much as that’s possible when he was a baby. He likes looking at himself as a baby. I point out that he was in M’s tummy (his birthmom), and talk about pictures of her and his Auntie K holding him in the hospital. He’s now nearly 5, btw. We talk about it occasionally, rather than being one bit important conversation. So if we read an adoption story, I relate it to his life, or we look at pictures of him as a baby etc. His favorite adoption story is ‘Motherbridge of Love’, though, which is about a girl adopted from China, whereas he is a boy who was adopted domestically, so obviously not a perfect parallel, to say the least!
I made a story book for my son for his second birthday. It’s his adoption story, and starts with his birthmom being pregnant and not being able to take care of another baby and tells how/why she chose us to be his parents, then goes through his birth, and finally, his adoption day.
I’ve always called my son’s siblings his brothers and sister.
As a first(birthmom) myself, I think the best thing that my placed son’s adoptive parent did was include me as part of their conversations when I was not there.
I know they talk to him about me when I am not there in an easy-going kind of way.
As in, “This is a picture of Cindy, you came from her belly”
It is my opinion that children just usually assume that people love them if they are nice to them.
I personally don’t like the over-explaining things to kids, or saying things in a more complicated way that necessary.
Not until they are about 8+ can they handle details.
From my POV, I hate it when people talk for me as in “Your birthmom loves you so much that she decided not to parent you”
I mean, I love my placed son, but my love was not the motivating factor in making my adoption plan, my lack of present and future support was, and I find this is so for many first moms/families.
So don’t say that kind of thing. Just state the facts. For example “Your birthmom is *insert name* she lives *insert place*. Or, “You were born in to your birthmom, and then we adopted you”
Keep it simple at this stage, then wait and listen closely for questions.
I don’t know if your son is talking very much yet but when he does, he will be asking lots of questions about his world.
I think the best thing is to keep a pictures of his first family around the house so that other people can ask about the pictures, and when he sees other people that you invite in your home ask about the pictures and hears you talk openly about them to others, he will feel comfortable asking you questions, and then all you have to do is simply answer.
Often adopted people just want to know simple things like “why are my eyes blue?’ or ‘Does my birth mom like *insert favorite thing* too?’
I hope this helps.
I personally think that comprehension of adoption details is a bit tough for a 3 year old. You are having visits / contact with his birthfamily, so he does know that they are ‘family’ and the understanding of ‘adoption’ will come just like understanding any other family relationship. My kids (2 and 4) still don’t understand that their grandparents are my parents. They just laugh and say ‘no their not! they’re grandma & grandpa!’. Just like they don’t understand that their uncle is my brother. So how can they be expected to understand adoption details? You will know your son well enough to know how much he can handle.
I feel like I say this a lot lately, but adoption became clear for my son when he finally understood that a baby grows in a mommy’s tummy. He certainly knew that he is adopted and would say that we are an adopted family (so many great kids books to chose from!), but he didn’t truly undertstand what that meant. But once he understood that the baby grew in the mommy’s tummy, then I could explain that he didn’t grow in my tummy but in his birthmom’s. After which came tons of questions and an awesome discussion about it. At this point he still doesn’t understand that his birthdad is his ‘dad’ also, because he doesn’t understand the part that a man plays in making a baby. So that will come in time. From what I’ve read, that’s very much norm, that a child will understand what it means to have a birthmom long before they understand their birthfather simply due to the comprehension of ‘the birds & the bees’. At 3 years old, that’s a little bit more than your son can comprehend right now. I believe the fact that he sees his bioligical family and knows that they are ‘family’ is the #1 imprtant detail. He will grow to understand the different relationships/titles in time.
I personally feel that in adoption, there’s a lot of stress about titles that children don’t need. People seem to care more about being titled than care about what the child is capable of comprehending. I personally believe we all become one family through adoption. I see my kids birthparents & their familes as being related just as much as I feel that we are now related to them. It’s important to me that my son’s birthfamily know my daugheters birthfamily. Because we are ONE family. I believe that children should be allowed to grow to understand the relationships within the family in their own time when their brains can handle it.
As for titles, everyone is different. For us, we have all agreed that any children our birthparents have will be called ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ to both of my kids (my kids are adopted with no biological relation). My kids will not have a sibling that the other does not. For example, my son’s biological brother is my daughters brother too. But with the adults, we actually use first names for all biological family, including birthparents. We agreed that while the kids are still this young and just learning to understand adoption, they would have one ‘mom’ and one ‘dad’ because we define those roles as being the people who live with & care for the kids on a daily basis. But that’s what works for us. You should probably talk to your birthfamilies about titles if that’s a question that you have. They will be wearing the title, they might want to be included in how that’s going to be handled!
i know about being adopted when i was 5 months old i was adopted and when i was 8 years old my adopted mom told me that i was adopted. i am now 16 years old and i hardly ever see my real mom we dont get alone with each other. and i dont know who my real dad is cause my real mom slept with so many people and none of the guys wanted to pay child support so the adoption agent said that we wont have anymore DNA tests that 8 guys was enough. the only thing i have to say is that i hope your son understands that he is very special. i am glad that i was chosen.my adopted mom calles my siblings my half- brother or half sister. i call them a person who i just know. some time i wish i never knew who my real mom is she harly ever around. the last time i seen her was when i was 8th grade and she came to one of my softball games. i still am on facebook trying to find out who my real dad is. my mom says that she wish i would quiet looking cause its just going to bother me even more if i do find out who he is. you should just tell your son when hes a little older cause he wont understand. wait until about 6 or 7 years old. i hope my life story helped you and your son.